#1
"When i put into my viens the medicine i cant explain
it takes away the pain I feel
it makes me become so real

chorus:
Im a manequien, not a man again
Im alive to tears, I have no fears
Im a manequien, not a man again
Im alive to tears I feel no fears

My life flows by as i kiss the sky
i have become the all seeing eye
I dont care how, i dont care why
when im there ill never cry

(chorus)

I can see into the light
ill split the dark of my minds night
i wont die without a fight
I see the world, a beautiful sight.

the end
Opinions? suggestions? any feedback is appreciated. thanks
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
#3
When i put into my viens
the medicine i cant explain
it takes away the pain I feel
it makes me become so real


The first two lines are alright, although simple. The flow is off on the last line, which bugs me, not to mention, I just dislike the line in general. I seems way too forced.

Im a manequien, not a man again
Im alive to tears, I have no fears
Im a manequien, not a man again
Im alive to tears I feel no fears


The pun on mannequin (that's the real spelling ) seems far too forced, which takes away some of its meaning. And "alive to tears" is a bit inexplicable to me.

My life flows by as i kiss the sky
i have become the all seeing eye
I dont care how, i dont care why
when im there ill never cry


I think the eye of Sauron when I see that second line. I actually liked the first line quite a bit, the second line is decent, the third line is absolutely awful though, as is the last.

I can see into the light
ill split the dark of my minds night
i wont die without a fight
I see the world, a beautiful sight.


Probably the best stanza that you have, to be honest. All of the lines are good except for the third one, which is such a forced cliche that it caused me physical pain to read it.

Overall, this was alright, although it doesn't do much to distinguish itself with most songs about drug use, which in this case seems to be heroin. Many of the rhymes seem forced, and some of the spelling is very off. I won't give you the spellcheck spiel, but that's my two cents.

If you feel like it, I've got a couple of pieces in my sig you could check out - "Respawn" is my most recent.
#4
thanks for the critic man. in the part where i said" alive to tears" what i was trying to convy was a moment when you are so happy you feel so alive that you think you are going to die, that or become one with the universe, it sounds alot more emo now when i say it out loud. But anyone who has expirenced this sensation will know what im talking about.
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Last edited by Mace Mchullah at Mar 23, 2009,