#1
today i stretched thoroughly for the first time in too long -
my legs were tight from biking and running and other means of escape
not that i go anywhere; i just come back after the endorphin kick, thinking
'when i get the balls to leave, i'll be able to'.
run away, little girl, to the mountains and the trees
where you can climb as you please
and the only sign of age
will be wrinkled laugh lines
and creases on the forehead from
pondering life...

come back, girl
focus.

i reached over into an arc
my side letting out collected dust
from painful nights
forgotten nights
knightless nights
every sedentary night -
i felt the muscle lay out long like
the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown...

come back.

i sat in a broad straddle and reached forward
fingers crawling a little further to pull what needed to be pulled -
what crude memories this brings. no, stop
push those out
this is time to cleanse.
i'll hold the floor and hope it holds me.
security


today i stretched for the first time in a long time and
released my inner demons. i have pulled myself
into willowy vines of ivy
to grow on the floor
and thrive.


ots, c4c. just stretched
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
"the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown..."

It was easily my favorite part, job well done
#3
Quote by vintage x metal
today i stretched thoroughly for the first time in too long -
my legs were tight from biking and running and other means of escape
not that i go anywhere; i just come back after the endorphin kick, thinking
'when i get the balls to leave, i'll be able to'.
run away, little girl, to the mountains and the trees
where you can climb as you please
and the only sign of age
will be wrinkled laugh lines
and creases on the forehead from
pondering life...

come back, girl
focus.

very nice metaphors, extended for slightly too long but works fine. whether the piece is quite ready to develop is debatable - a bit of a fast ride that was over too soon. however, the line breaks helped an assload and even the shape of a descending slope "primed" me to read this easily. good start.

i reached over into an arc
my side letting out collected dust "side" is a bit of a weasel word here
from painful nights
forgotten nights
knightless nights ha, word play, very good.
every sedentary night -
i felt the muscle lay out long like
the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown...

come back.

a bit too loosely connected; had some issues with the "nights" lines - EVERYONE talks about nights nowadays - but still carried off the message well and worked with the feel. the repetition of "come back" was good, but if you don't change it into something good in the next few stanzas i will withdraw the assumption.

i sat in a broad straddle and reached forward
fingers crawling a little further to pull what needed to be pulled -
what crude memories this brings. no, stop
push those out
this is time to cleanse.
i'll hold the floor and hope it holds me.
security

good, an abrupt return to the present. line breaks still going strong and the metaphors coming back at the end solidified this as a decent stanza.

today i stretched for the first time in a long time and
released my inner demons. i have pulled myself
into willowy vines of ivy
to grow on the floor
and thrive.

the catharsis is admirable, but i was hoping for some sort of resolution to the "come back" lines earlier on.


overall feel was fine. no complaints. it was enjoyable to read - perhaps tighten the connections in the second stanza - and i would definitely add some reference to the "come back" lines at the end, as mentioned. you had some good rhyme schemes - if brief - that added extra kicks; something that i forgot to praise.

in conclusion, this was a good read, largely positive. it wasn't anything ridiculously profound or insightful, but it was personal, it was powerful, and i say this while listening to a Nile CD, so you can be sure my praise is not given lightly. x_X

if you'd like to return some stuff, the link in my sig under "Stream" will provide your needs.
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
Last edited by RPExecutor at Mar 17, 2009,
#4
Quote by vintage x metal
today i stretched thoroughly for the first time in too long -
my legs were tight from biking and running and other means of escape
not that i go anywhere; i just come back after the endorphin kick, thinking
'when i get the balls to leave, i'll be able to'.
run away, little girl, to the mountains and the trees
where you can climb as you please
and the only sign of age
will be wrinkled laugh lines
and creases on the forehead from
pondering life...
It meandered, especially in the beginning. However, I like the tone; easy to sympathize with. the trees/please lines didn't flow right. That would have been okay except that it rhymed, so I expected flow. Also, the image of a little girl pondering life didn't click with me, exactly. Didn't fit the image of carefree-ness.
come back, girl
focus.
Well, at least you recognized that it wandered . This is really small, but I would have some sort of punctuation after "girl". Add a pause.
i reached over into an arc
my side letting out collected dust
from painful nights
forgotten nights
knightless nights
This line pushed it a little far in my opinion. It sounded whimsical.
every sedentary night -
i felt the muscle lay out long like
the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown...
The last line was too poetic for my taste, especially the "..."
come back.

i sat in a broad straddle and reached forward
fingers crawling a little further to pull what needed to be pulled -
what crude memories this brings. no, stop
push those out
this is time to cleanse.
i'll hold the floor and hope it holds me.
security
You're not shying away from reality, which I like. The constant mix of flow-of-consciousness and narration threw me a little bit, but I came around to it the second time through.

today i stretched for the first time in a long time and
released my inner demons. i have pulled myself
into willowy vines of ivy
to grow on the floor
and thrive.
You brought this back rather nicely. The "pull" verb after the last stanza seems repetitive.


ots, c4c. just stretched



This has to be one of the favorite pieces I've read from you. It brings all your strengths and the tone really fit well. It just needs organizing, I think, and refining.
#5
This was the most beautiful way I've ever heard stretching described. I've been reading you for quite a while and i don't always leave comments. But I felt this was the first piece that really felt true to yourself, but still accesible and readable. If you know what I mean. I'll elaborate more as things come to me, i feel i'll be back.
#6
First piece of yours that hasn't felt overly obscured by a novice attitude toward writing. This felt mature, well composed, and had a suiting tone.

I really, really enjoyed this, lady. It has personality, charisma and content.

I don't really feel a need to break this down; it is what it is... and its quite beautiful.

if you would like, just a read and quick comment on "broken" in my sig would be appreciated.
#7
Thank you boys =]
I'll get back to your pieces in a few days, promise. I'm out of town for the rest of the week so I can't get to it immediately.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Quote by vintage x metal
today i stretched thoroughly for the first time in too long -
my legs were tight from biking and running and other means of escape
not that i go anywhere; i just come back after the endorphin kick, thinking
'when i get the balls to leave, i'll be able to'.
run away, little girl, to the mountains and the trees
where you can climb as you please
and the only sign of age
will be wrinkled laugh lines
and creases on the forehead from
pondering life...
beautiful and honest...feels like a thought process

come back, girl
focus.
these little breaks somehow give the piece more focus. it works well

i reached over into an arc
my side letting out collected dust
i love that image
from painful nights
forgotten nights
knightless nights
only line i dont like. 'knightless nights'. doesnt feel necessary
every sedentary night -
i felt the muscle lay out long like
the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown...
someone said it already, but this is the high point. really, really solid

come back.

i sat in a broad straddle and reached forward
fingers crawling a little further to pull what needed to be pulled -
what crude memories this brings. no, stop
push those out
this is time to cleanse.
i'll hold the floor and hope it holds me.
security
this section feels a little weak, and somehow incomplete, but i cannot place why


today i stretched for the first time in a long time and
released my inner demons. i have pulled myself
into willowy vines of ivy
to grow on the floor
and thrive.
this is a wonderful end. the only thing is, ivy can also climb as it grows, but might be a better image (?)


ots, c4c. just stretched


Nice Work

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1089380

~b
#10
Quote by dead_bury_dead
for a song about streching , this is ill , god name too , comment on my songs too

lol

This was very good work. I liked it. It started off with stutters but then gathered momentum as the piece progressed. Which I find is a very honest way of writing. You can't purposefully 'learn it' or go out of your way to 'develop' it, it's just there or it's not.
That said, there was a slight sense of disconnection later on, which was very enviable - particularly from my perspective - It also seemed quite disconcerting and, overall, helped the reader feel uncomfortable. It aided the theme well.
This is certainly something that I will continue to read and enjoy more and more.
It wasn't quite perfect, though. And editing will not help that. It's just going to be this really good piece of disquiet and failure after triumph, and triumph after failure.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 21, 2009,
#11
Fantastic.

This spoke things that I've tried to express for the longest time. I love the way you conversed with yourself here, as it really made the piece flow like butter. It also made the piece more mature, as if you were exploring side avenues but always reverting to home, giving us a character to base it off of.

Love it.
Love it love it love it.
#12
Quote by vintage x metal
today i stretched thoroughly for the first time in too long -
my legs were tight from biking and running and other means of escape
Good. But I think explanation detracts from the awesome:
not that i go anywhere; i just come back after the endorphin kick, thinking
'when i get the balls to leave, i'll be able to'.
run away, little girl, to the mountains and the trees
where you can climb as you please
and the only sign of age
will be wrinkled laugh lines
and creases on the forehead from
pondering life...

come back, girl
focus.

Huh??? Explanation pl0x

i reached over into an arc
my side letting out collected dust
from painful nights
forgotten nights
knightless nights
You mean nights with no savior? lol slightly confusing
every sedentary night -
As in restless, or just sleeping?
i felt the muscle lay out long like
the crackle of fall leaves, trampled upon
but relieved
blown into the wind
as particles to lands unknown...

come back.
I still do not see the necessity/reason for this....

i sat in a broad straddle and reached forward
fingers crawling a little further to pull what needed to be pulled -
what crude memories this brings. no, stop
push those out

I *think* I'm starting to get this "focus, girl" etc. stuff. You are trying to focus on your natural, cleansing means of escape from the world and all its issues?
this is time to cleanse.
i'll hold the floor and hope it holds me.
Antimetabole? I think that's what it's called....
security


today i stretched for the first time in a long time and
released my inner demons. i have pulled myself
into willowy vines of ivy
to grow on the floor
and thrive.
Very good.


ots, c4c. just stretched


I like poems/songs about inner demons
Not as good as your other one, which was more unpredictable and original. This was still original, but it was a bit too confusing for me. Unless my interpretations that I wrote are right. Tell me?

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1093408

EDIT: Oh ****! I did not see the stretching part. I feel like a jackass lmao!
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 26, 2009,