#1
C4C as usual
cheers folks
~b

stood by the window
to see butterflies lose their wings in the breeze.
pressing against the glass of an empty pictureframe
to moisten the smile once trapped here
the long sighs i lost when the garage burnt down-
cardboard boxes full of valentines
my father's old dress shirts and a letter from summercamp
old things, important things
they only come in when the antena's pointed just right


the humid air crackles through the paint on the ceiling
momentary feedback from a traffic accident
going too fast, didn't see it coming
stale coffee while the first-responders arrive
it was tender, misguided kiss
they pull the woman through a broken windshield
oh god, oh god
drunk and sobbing
the happiest night
whole, under the stars
undilated
i could love you forever
she's losing blood

in dreams im still sleeping beside you
upstairs the couples arent fighting, outside the cops are whistling.
the base of my shirt makes a few circles around the glass:
suspicion absorbed into a Ramones T, two sizes too big.
laying back beside you, i hold you in my arms
with the taste of other women on my lips
Last edited by ChordMonger at Oct 20, 2009,
#2
im no lyric expert, so i cant be too critical, but it seems okay to me, although I cant understand some of the imagery

"the humid air broils through the paint on the ceiling"

im curious, how do you fit these kind of lyrics into a melody...seems impossible to me
#4
It's easy to notices how this borders on pretentiousness, but ignoring that is advantageous here, as the way the whole piece seems to develop with intensity and openess, and flows with more humanlike stutters, actually helps the reader avoid most of the pitfalls attributed to what I mentioned briefly.
There is very little I can say that may help in future references as this a very good piece. There is one thing that I have noticed about reading you and your work, you are sometimes very dramatic and fairy-esque. I think it's what makes me feel your stuff is a tiny bit snobby. There is some real beautiful, bristling gold in here, but it is slightly tainted by a sense of a "floating breeze"; nothing seems concrete, or just down-right gritty. You're using light words and analogies for a serious, emotional topic. It feels constrained because of it.
Great work, and thanks for getting to mine - which feels ancient and rubbish now. It had it's place in my memory, though - as with all failures.
#6
i liked it...i just starting writing lyrics so i can't say how to make it better and you've already read mine titled "similar strangers" (it's the very first piece i've put out for people to read actually ) so you have an idea of how i usually write things....

licking the frame??? lol
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#7
Quote by ChordMonger
C4C as usual
cheers folks
~b

stood by the window to watch the earth
to see dead butterflies lose their wings in the breeze.
Interesting beginning, I didn't really like it or dislike it, to be honest.
I'm licking the glass of an empty pictureframe
a taste of the smile once trapped here
Peculiar imagery, but fantastic writing, I really liked this!
its the long sighs i lost when the garage burnt down-
every cardboard box full of ex-girlfriend's valentines
my father's old shirts and a letter from summercamp
If you're referring to several ex-girlfriends, then it should be "ex-girlfriends' ". This is another one of the parts where I didn't really like it or dislike it, though I am quite fond of "long sighs I lost".

the humid air broils through the paint on the ceiling
i can't afford an apartment up to code and AC is broken
youre alseep on our futon. in dreams im still sleeping beside you
upstairs the couples arent fighting, outside the cops are whistling.
Up until the last line before this, it was pretty... I wouldn't say boring, but certainly not interesting. This last line was pretty good though.
the base of my shirt makes a few circles around the glass:
suspicion absorbed into an old Ramones T, two sizes too big.
This was good.
laying back beside you, i hold you in my arms
with the taste of other women on my lips
Ending was fantastic!


Thanks for the crit on mine!

Michal.
#8
Quote by ChordMonger


stood by the window to watch the earth
Loved this.
to see dead butterflies lose their wings in the breeze.
Not so much this.
I'm licking the glass of an empty pictureframe
a taste of the smile once trapped here
This is fantastic!
its the long sighs i lost when the garage burnt down-
every carboard box full of ex-girlfriend's valentines
my father's old shirts and a letter from summercamp
This is great, too.

the humid air broils through the paint on the ceiling
Good.
i can't afford an apartment up to code and AC is broken
You gave me such an excellent mental picture in the last line, I don't feel like I need this line.
youre alseep on our futon. in dreams im still sleeping beside you
This line is confusing to me, and I think it's due to punctuation placement. Is she in dreams, or are you? And if it's you, why are you sleeping next to her in your dreams, when you're thinking of other girls?
upstairs the couples arent fighting, outside the cops are whistling.
I liked these lines, it feels very familiar.
the base of my shirt makes a few circles around the glass:
suspicion absorbed into an old Ramones T, two sizes too big.
To be honest, my brain may not completely firing on all cylinders here, but I don't get what you're going for.
laying back beside you, i hold you in my arms
with the taste of other women on my lips
Solid ending.


I really liked this a ton, ChordMonger. I look forward to reading more of your work. I don't think I saw any of the pretentiousness that AngryGoldfish mentioned, but that may be because this is my first time reading your work and I have no preconceptions about it. I thought it was vivid and very easy to make a cinematic form of this in my head. Kudos!
#9
thanks 5x5
the two lines you had issues on-
she was supposed to be the one sleeping...as in, her and the protagonist had to gone to sleep together and she was unaware that he had woken up

the t-shirt line is that, since the guy is licking the glass on the pictureframe, hes using his shirt to wipe off the saliva, so theres no evidence of it


wow...it sounds much dumber when its spelled out like that

anyhow, thanks for the crit. between you, angrygoldfish, and one of my not UG friends, i think i have a good idea of what i need to do with this
~b
#10
Wow. I really, really like this.

Granted, some of the lines seem a little clumsy. Just the action bits. When the speaker is doing something, the phrasing seems a bit odd compared to the rest of the tone/language. Also, some of the images are whimsical while the others are kind of cliche ('outside the cops are whistling').
Everything else though, is just.. lovely. Very nice. I'll have to remember this one.
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