#1
She's a water-walking fire
An umbrella in the rain
My shoes all holes and duct tape
The sunshine in my heart's a stain
Cathedral windows on my soul
Illuminate the altar's every grain
This place is wholly lit up
The stained glass sanctified by pain

Two's a magic number
Like seven, nine, or twenty-three
It's just like shooting fishes
The barrel's fine, so come join me
Love's topography
Is written on the faces in our dreams
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have seen

I look up and the sky is gray
With patterns by the light engraved
The puddles do not write her name
I'm searching but I cannot see her face

One's a magic number, too
It's the root of all we see
I look around and see it's you
My hand is spread in easy reach
Love's topography
Is written on the faces of our dreams
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have been
#2
This could really work as a song.
As a piece of writing, it weakens somewhat. The generic rhymes get annoying. I might be back
#5
This is cool. I didn't quite get the "sunshine in my heart's a stain" What is that like the sunshine is a stain. Your heart is so bright and full of love that sunshine is a stain? The sunshine faded your heart and it's a stain? Or the light is out of place and a stain on your dark heart? i'm not quite sure to be honest.
I like that 23 is a magic number - Go Michael Jordan!!

"One's a magic number too It's the root of all we see" sorry to say but the root of all we see is 0. The sum of all we see is 0. It's just the way it is man.

All good though minor pionts aside appreciation here.

EDIT: it sounds like you sing the sunshine in my hearts a stRain. That I like a whole lot more than stain.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#6
The stain thing is meant to mean (something like) the sunshine left a permanent mark when it entered The Voice's heart that one time when he walked in the rain with The Girl. Strain's good, too, and performances being what they are, I'm sure I'll sing it stain sometimes and strain others, and one of them will win

Actually, as far as 0 and 1 go, I think that current cosmological theory is that the root was 1 (the Big Bang), and that we're tending towards 0 (Entropy), but there are a wide number of fractions between those two extremes. I'm partial to nine twenty-thirds, myself.

peace
#7
I think there's a lot more to your writing than you're letting on. It's beautifully written in a quick, rhymey phrase, and you're as quick to dismiss it to two not-very-thoughtful comments as you would any other - so either you don't care much what people think about it, or you write so much that negativity doesn't matter, because your confidence keeps you afloat.

Either way, I love it, and I look forward to more.
#8
Quote by Nilchii
She's a water-walking fire
An umbrella in the rain
My shoes all holes and duct tape
The sunshine in my heart's a stain
Flow here is slightly off.
Cathedral windows on my soul
Illuminate the altar's every grain
Here too
This place is wholly lit up
The stained glass sanctified by pain
Stuffed full of metaphors and images, which can be a good or bad thing depending on the listener. Personally, it confuses me. It is rather beautiful, but like I mentioned, I'm not quite sure what you're on about. I like "sanctified" when it's used there
Two's a magic number
Like seven, nine, or twenty-three
It's just like shooting fishes
The barrel's fine, so come join me
Love's topography
Is written on the faces in our dreams
A bit long
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have seen
The last line is too long as well. This is truly an awesome quasi-chorus. I'm not sure about the significance of the numbers, but whatever.

I look up and the sky is gray
This felt cliche.
With patterns by the light engraved
I don't like the inverted sentence structure, even though I understand why you used it.
The puddles do not write her name
I'm searching but I cannot see her face
My least favorite bit in the whole piece. Felt like a bridge that could be in any old song, instead of a Nilchii (trademark) Song. Know what I mean?
One's a magic number, too
It's the root of all we see
Oh math. Although I suspect math wasn't the point here.
I look around and see it's you
My hand is spread in easy reach
Love's topography
Is written on the faces of our dreams
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have been
A hopeful end?

Well, Mssr. Nilchii,
This would be a good song. I certainly respect it more now that I've read it through, but my thing against the rhymes still stands. The big problem for me was that I simply didn't understand it. My fault, not yours. I want to see you try your hand at poetry sometime. I know you said that you're not good, but I want to see it anyways.
Oh, and do you have a name? Seeing as I friended you, I thought I should know.

cya later
#9
Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Spike_8bkp, you're pretty quick to pick up on how prolific I am

Hesh, my name's Matt, and I'm sure I've seen yours around someplace, but I don't recall it. You're right about the flow on those two lines. It's hard to sing, and they're in flux, but I haven't settled on a change for them yet.

As for poetry, you could check out the cat/orange thing, although that's really prose disguised as poetry. Oh, you did

You could check out the pseudo-Skaldic heroic saga thing, if you wanted to. It's actual poetry, but it's a more-or-less ancient and formal style that don't get much play 'round these parts. Oh, you did

Or you could check out this haiku:

Haiku written with
No inspiration are not
Very good, are they?


peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 19, 2009,
#10
Andrew, by the way
But you're right! I had forgotten about the cat thing (which was great). I guess this forum sees mainly one type of poetry, and so if I see other types I don't recognize them immediately (referring to the saga).
#11
Quote by Nilchii
She's a water-walking fire
An umbrella in the rain
My shoes all holes and duct tape
The sunshine in my heart's a stain
As someone already pointed out, the flow is slightly off here. But I like the intro, it's peaceful and relaxing. I don't generally like rhymeschemes such as this, but you pull it off.
Cathedral windows on my soul
Illuminate the altar's every grain
This place is wholly lit up
The stained glass sanctified by pain
The first two lines after my previous comment were great; the second two, I didn't like. I wouldn't rephrase them, but completely replace them with something else.

Two's a magic number
Like seven, nine, or twenty-three
It's just like shooting fishes
The barrel's fine, so come join me
"fishes" isn't a word, I'm pretty sure but this works, the flow is nice, the content is good, and the rhyming is consistent. The only thing I'd get rid of is "come" in the line before this.
Love's topography
Is written on the faces in our dreams
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have seen
The last line is what hte title is based around, so I guess you're keeping it, but it's actually hte only line of this chorus that I didn't like

I look up and the sky is gray
With patterns by the light engraved
The puddles do not write her name
I'm searching but I cannot see her face
This flows wonderfully, except for the last line. Which is the shame, 'cause the last line is good. I'd mess around with the phrasing a little maybe, just to see if you can condense the last line into the same amount of syllables as the others are.

One's a magic number, too
It's the root of all we see
I look around and see it's you
My hand is spread in easy reach
This was good, except for "I look around and see it's you". That line just didn't sound as good as the others, it felt a bit weaker, in a sense.
Love's topography
Is written on the faces of our dreams
And every line and wrinkle
A tattoo of the places I have been
This is actually really good, I'm seeing this as a nice upbeat folky song. I think what you have is a solid song, and you should just change/modify two or three lines or so to make it 100% good, and not 90%. But it's good man, it really is.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654

#12
Yeah, I went with "fishes" for flow, rather than grammatical correctness. I appreciate the comments, and I think I'm done with this one, flaws and all. I'll probably replace "illuminate" with "reveal," but that's about it.

Thanks for the crits, y'all. Andrew, pleased to meet you

Michal23, I'll check out your piece in the morning. My lady's making yawny noises

Peace
#13
This is very good work, Nilchii. And, the first I've properly read from you that I have been entirely impressed with.

The first verse felt a little jittery, and overall, helped start a feeling of insecurity, but also added depth right from the beginning – which was an excellent route to take. Although, it's difficult to fully enjoy it in that respect, particularly as it fails to flow as well as the latter part of the song/poem, if you ignore that, or more focus on it's amended side, it's easy to notice a real volume to the piece. The depth, as I mentioned, was vital to this and really did make for great reading.
I thought the rhymes weren't that noticeable - which is the way they should be - but instead, helped create an overall feeling of desperation and honesty. It didn't turn out to be pretentious, but more blunt and straight to the point. You messed around because you didn't know what to do, and that edge to the writing was really enjoyable and inspiring.