#1
I'd like to go away
to a place that can't be found
take all my things and bury them
and lay down on the ground.

I'd walk the streets of grass and sand
pushing away hand after hand
They're handing me fork after knife
shovels and sins
life after life
but I walk past, just walk right on
the rules all fail and orpheus wins.

Stepping over foot after foot
I leave the streets, start leaving tracks
their shoes stomp the soil but I don't care
I won't lay here and won't look back.

Guess I will run away soon
take nothing but my head
the sky will be my only friend
and grass and sand my bed.

Yes, I will run away some day
when all my hopes have drowned
I'll take my soul and bury it
and hope not to be found.
#2
Quote by InaneInfinity
I'd like to go away
to a place that can't be found
take all my things and bury them
and lay down on the ground.
i like this for an opening verse, it grabs your attention and alot of people will be able to identify with it.
I'd walk the streets of grass and sand
pushing away hand after hand
They're handing me fork after knife
shovels and sins
life after life
but I walk past, just walk right on
the rules all fail and orpheus wins.
i dont like how this opens, in the last verse you were laying on the ground and now your walking around, however i do like the imagery in this verse so maybe instead of changing this verse change the last line of the first verse
Stepping over foot after foot
I leave the streets, start leaving tracks
their shoes stomp the soil but I don't care
I won't lay here and won't look back.
i like the repeating words in this it gives it a nice flow its a strong follow up to the last verse
Guess I will run away soon
take nothing but my head
the sky will be my only friend
and grass and sand my bed.
this should start with "i guess" but other than that i like it
Yes, I will run away some day
when all my hopes have drowned
I'll take my soul and bury it
and hope not to be found.
this is a great ending, lots of poetic images. dont change this


overall this is a pretty strong piece, just needs a few minor alterations. i really liked the imagery in this, keep em comming
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#3
I believe the word to describe this would be Awesome....
#5
hi. love this. Feel like this most days and particulary of late. My favourite bit was where you said the elements would become your friends as i often thought that the natural world is our greatest friend and it never lets you down. Ime definetly going to look at the rest of your worK. My brother said you were good.