#1


jesus! jesus!
fine light beer of the night
i am of the night
and just before the curtain call
all hearts in mouths
fall
as we watch
nails and
hands and
feet.
they crucified you but i didn't really care.
my heart never came out of my mouth.
it was there for days
'til i spat it past my lover's lips
and she put me up on that cross and
crucified me too.

i hung up there and thought about it all.
i thought that if i did it again if i
had another chance,
i'd buy a fast car
as soon as i could afford it
and when i picked a girl up
i would love her
and when i showed her sex
i wouldn't rush,
i'd let her enjoy it,
make her feel like she'd never be scared again
and my hands were starting to feel
a little numb
so i thought of all the bodies they'd touched
and i loved them all and i cried
because i loved them so much -
remembering heartbreak
as my heart broke,
and my feet were getting a little cold
so i thought of all the steps they'd walked -
i only realised just then
at that exact moment
how each step had led to the next
and how everything i'd done since birth
was a beautiful jigsaw.
my baby kissed me
we were building that jigsaw
and she told me it wouldn't be long now
i told her that i loved her
and that i was sorry all of this
had to happen
just because we went out for the night
she said she was sorry too
and she cried a little -
i thanked her for
helping me to put the pieces together
for showing me the path
that had led this way
the path that i'd been ignorant of
for such a long time
and we both cried a little more
but i was strong
i thought to myself
how beautiful she looked
how sad it all was
and then i laughed,
and never thought another thing again.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
Quote by we have sound

jesus! jesus!
fine light beer of the night
i am of the night
I just loved these opening lines.
and just before the curtain call
all hearts in mouths
fall
as we watch
nails and
hands and
feet.
they crucified you but i didn't really care.
my heart never came out of my mouth.
it was there for days
'til i spat it past my lover's lips
and she put me up on that cross and
crucified me too.
This opening as a whole is very interesting, especially after reading the entire piece and coming back to this. Saying that, I think that it was an attempt to put the piece entirely in a different context, and because of the length of the second stanza, and the fact you didn't come back to this later on, I felt that the piece lacked something. Mostly because it doesn't do this part justice at a first read, and sometimes that's all we get.

i hung up there and thought about it all.
i thought that if i did it again if i
had another chance,
i'd buy a fast car
as soon as i could afford it
and when i picked a girl up
i would love her
and when i showed her sex
i wouldn't rush,
i'd let her enjoy it,
make her feel like she'd never be scared again
I know that the tense change indicates the change of scene, but I think maybe a different stanza would do this better service.
and my hands were starting to feel
a little numb
so i thought of all the bodies they'd touched
and i loved them all and i cried
because i loved them so much -
remembering heartbreak
as my heart broke,
and my feet were getting a little cold
so i thought of all the steps they'd walked -
i only realised just then
at that exact moment
how each step had led to the next
and how everything i'd done since birth
was a beautiful jigsaw.
my baby kissed me
we were building that jigsaw
and she told me it wouldn't be long now
i told her that i loved her
and that i was sorry all of this
had to happen
just because we went out for the night
she said she was sorry too
and she cried a little -
i thanked her for
helping me to put the pieces together
for showing me the path
that had led this way
the path that i'd been ignorant of
for such a long time
and we both cried a little more
but i was strong
i thought to myself
how beautiful she looked
how sad it all was
and then i laughed,
and never thought another thing again.


I couldn't really critique this, apart from what I said about the first part, this was very honest and simple and not as dark as the feelings you used to put in pieces. I thought you found a new stride in your writing that wasn't just about the rough side of things. To be honest I wasn't sure you could do it well. But you did. This was love.
This is not a pipe
#3
good grief i'm completely surprised at the lack of comments here.
it's things like this that make you realize there's still beauty in people, beit in man or woman.

like Mel said, "this was love," and love is beautiful.
sorry i couldn't rape yours the same way you raped mine lol.
maybe on the next? or if you post something that sucks?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.