#1
I was in a crazy-ass weird mood, came up with this OTS, I don't like it at all, but I'd like to see what you guys think. c4c if you leave a link.

[CENTER]beyond the whiskey stains and
          stench of cheap perfume
behind the ugly           
     innocent
smile and dark         
soft
        eyes lies a soul

stolen over decades by the             
dreamcatcher
              we all remember well
surrounded by              
cold
          bare walls
hanging just above the                
old
piano we all          
             remember
well some of            

us don't
        really make sense
does it we all           
remember
well how            
             he used to ask question
after
question what's              
               go[size="1"](o)[/SIZE]d and honest[size="1"](l)[/SIZE]y
         why should we
but we cut him off and       
now he can't
speak i         
feel

Yes, go on, what do you feel?[/CENTER]
Last edited by michal23 at Mar 22, 2009,
#2
its intriguing in a stream-of-conscious way
but the voice its written in makes it hard to make comments
the first two lines dont really have the same dreamy vibe as the rest of the piece, and come off more as an homage to Bukowski than the Thom York-esque feeling i get from the rest
the rest of it is a fun read, but the odd line breaks and word placement just as often distracts from the reading as it does add to it. with some editing, it will flow better.
the 'g (o) od and honesty' line is gold, and so is the final line.
overall, well done mate

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1089380

~b
#4
Thanks for the crits guys, I really do appreciate it; I'll get back to yours soon.

ChordMonger, the distracting and difficult-to-read style is very intentional.
#5
Personally, I liked it, but like ChordMonger said, it's pretty distracting reading it...I keep looking at the lines above it, hehe!

Parts of it don't mix well with the trippy feel of it, like the first couple lines...or rather, the first stanza. But overall, it's good. I just can't figure out what it's about.

I've got a song in my link.
#6
I enjoyed this piece.

This part:
does it we all
remember
well how
he used to ask question
after
question what's
go(o)d and honestly

threw me for a toss, im not sure if you intended it to go along with "some of us dont really make sense"

Other than that, it was pretty good
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#7
I like this a lot. It seems to get more broken as you pass through the stanzas, and I think that goes well with the "drunken regular at the bar" type of feel that's going on. Only one line didn't sit well with me: "we all remember well" in the second section. It seems like filler compared to everything else. Like the others suggest, the go(o)d and honest(l)y line is killer. Good stuff!
#8
Quote by michal23
I was in a crazy-ass weird mood, came up with this OTS, I don't like it at all, but I'd like to see what you guys think. c4c if you leave a link.
Alright, I'm sorry this took so long to return, but here we go.
beyond the whiskey stains and
stench of cheap perfume
behind the ugly
innocent
I don't understand why you put this on a separate line. It's really just confusing. Makes it look contradictory when it's not
smile and dark
soft
eyes lies a soul
This whole stanza was good content-wise. Not enigmatic or anything, effective. But the linebreaks were just plain annoying. Made it hard to read. I would suggest getting rid of the extra spaces and lengthening the lines. If you're trying to add texture, then find some way that doesn't look so scattered.
stolen over decades by the
dreamcatcher
we all remember well
surrounded by
cold
bare walls
hanging just above the
old
piano we all
remember
well some of

us don't
really make sense
does it we all
remember
well how
he used to ask question
after
question what's
This section gave me a bit of a headache. The flowing fashion of it was nicely done, but it went too fast. Again, the linebreaks hinder comprehension.
go(o)d and honest(l)y
why should we
but we cut him off and
now he can't
speak i
feel

Yes, go on, what do you feel?
What an interesting way to end things. You do a great job of conveying this sense of ineffable feelings, and the abrupt change in tone at the end adds a whole enw shade of meaning.


Overall, very good. Really. It's just those damned linebreaks, you know? It bothered me. Sorry for taking so long.
PS. Stop putting your things in code! It makes my crit all messed up
Last edited by Hesh at Mar 19, 2009,
#9
Thanks for the crits guys!

I was really puzzled at your post at first Hesh, but I like to have my things in code as I can copy and paste from notepad files without changing the structure.

And, this sounds like a poor excuse, but the way that the linebreaks have confused everyone was entirely intended. Maybe I overdid it though.
#10
Well i liked it , really original.

I can just picture myself doing some weed and listening to this
really trippy song.

The part i liked the most:

we all
remember
well some of

us don't
really make sense
does it

Its like whaaa?
It is beautiful, moronic and idiotic at the same time just love it.

Refreshing
#11
I think I understand what you were trying to hit at with this piece. This just shouts distorted memories. When you try to remember something it always comes out in smaller pieces to fit into the whole picture and it seems you did that by ominous language and stuttering lines. This really gave me one of those darker atmospheric vibes that I crave and I believe this would work good with an avant garde style of music either spoken/whispered or in a rasp if that's your style. Considering your distaste for this piece I doubt you would go through the trials to convert it into a musical arrangement but I'm sure it would be lovely. Anyway this exceptionally original and was able to create emotion - that's good writing in my book. I'd love to see a piece you actually like. Peace. c4c??
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1091571
#12
Thanks for the crits guys. Saboathi, I'll get to yours later today. Oh, and if I've missed anyone, please PM me.