#1
I cant write anymore.

Do not smile and be content,
happiness bores me.
A smile is candid,
sincere and susceptible
yet melancholy, a homonym.
Rather, stare blankly,
be mysterious.
Tell me we're leaving,
but not where we're going,
just that were on the way.
I'll probably smile back
and you won't know why
and neither will I.


ill try and give critiques back.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Mar 18, 2009,
#2
I'm about there.

"we're" four lines to the end.

A few too many pronouns, but who gives a hoot, hey? I can't believe you still have that journal piece in your sig lol. Sick, man.

Hope you're keepin' wellm Mikey.
#3
This is a very good piece simply because it states what we all want to, but not how we all want to. It accomplishes what you want it to, nothing more, and it does it without phrasing it in a way that makes us all cringe, a challenging goal with the chosen subject and style. Normally, I feel pieces this short need more length, but expanding on this would only ruin the original. One thing you could consider is the pace of the song's storytelling: it starts slow, ends slow, and tells all the details in the middle. Nothing is wrong with that, but it doesn't necessarily hook immediately.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1088632 if you're up for it.
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm about there.

"we're" four lines to the end.

A few too many pronouns, but who gives a hoot, hey? I can't believe you still have that journal piece in your sig lol. Sick, man.

Hope you're keepin' wellm Mikey.


where are you?

and yes lots of pronouns. but its a cry for excitement. im asking for someone. hard not to have the pronouns.

still have the journal piece because im never on ug anymore. first poem ive written in probably 8 months.
#5
Quote by TrigFunction

yet melancholy, a homonym.
Rather, stare blankly,
be mysterious.


This is the only part I didn't really like, just because the way it was worded (or maybe I just couldn't hit the rhythm in my head, and you have it in yours?) The rest of the poem/song was great.
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#7
Do not smile and be content,
happiness bores me.


This was a slightly boring line, although that might just be me. Not much else to say - it's just average.

A smile is candid,
sincere and susceptible
yet melancholy, a homonym.


Ah, this is better. I like the different language you use, and the flow is definitely nice here.

Rather, stare blankly,
be mysterious.


This line is just as boring as the first, in my opinion.

Tell me we're leaving,
but not where we're going,
just that were on the way.


This line is also nice. It's like you're rotating on the line of average lyrics, going from slightly better to slightly worse and back again.

I'll probably smile back
and you won't know why
and neither will I.


This end was alright, probably not my favorite ending, but it gives it an air of finality. However, if she/he was simply staring blankly, why would you smile back? I suggest replacing back with something else that follows the song better.

Overall, this was fairly enjoyable for me. Not extremely memorable, but it was a decent read.

If you want, you can crit one of the two pieces in my sig - the top one is the newest.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 23, 2009,