#1
Short poem, idr if I ever posted it here or not. I might not be able to crit back, so if I don't sorry.


"Inch of Pressure"

Pressure rips off a hummingbirds wings,
tears out it's heart as it tries to sing,
and deepens it's peep until it's a scream.

The same pressure pulls organs to my feet,
with the type of pain...that brings men to their knees,
and i'm sure, that it will kill me.
#2
I like the three line stanzas, and the natural pauses it creates. You also, whether intentionally or not, increased the number of syllables and then decreased them, creating a nice climax and ending it on a very abrupt note. I quite enjoyed it and thought it was kinds catchy.
Quote by JeanMi36
The little toe is one fragile motherfuc*er.
#3
That's cool man. I really like that. I don't quite get what a peep is that is deepining till it's a scream but I don't really care either cause it sounds good.

Cool

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#5
Quote by stratkat
Short poem, idr if I ever posted it here or not. I might not be able to crit back, so if I don't sorry.


"Inch of Pressure"

Pressure rips off a hummingbirds wings,
tears out it's heart as it tries to sing,
and deepens it's peep until it's a scream.

I like the flow of the words, I like what you're trying to say, but it feels like you're saying it wrong. It might be a technicality, but is "pressure" the right word here?

The same pressure pulls organs to my feet,
with the type of pain...that brings men to their knees,
and i'm sure, that it will kill me.

It makes sense here, however. As mentioned previously, look over your grammar (it's, its) and punctuation (ellipsis, why?).



Overall, enjoyable!