#1
Here's a short thing I wrote that reminds me of some song with a good idea, but it's sung out of key.


Doubtful I am.

I'm paranoid, delusional, and without confidence.
In a place of hell where I'm unable to tell
the difference between right from wrong
from friends and wondering if they exist
Is it horrible for me to think you don't exist?
would that bring me to a hell that I'd finally understand?
I'm not sure, doubtful I am.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#2
You made me doubtful. Should I post an honest critique?? With all the self deprecation I'm afraid of what might happen if I do.

Cheer up man. Or as a great song once said...
Don't worry. Be Happy.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#3
Quote by HellBent1337
Here's a short thing I wrote that reminds me of some song with a good idea, but it's sung out of key.


Doubtful I am.
I really didn't like this. I'd just keep it to "Doubtful".

I'm paranoid, delusional, and without confidence.
Good start, but I'd break this up into two or three lines.
In a place of hell where I'm unable to tell
Rhyming was a bit mehhh...
the difference between right from wrong
from friends and wondering if they exist
Is it horrible for me to think you don't exist?
These last two lines were fantastic, my favourite part!
would that bring me to a hell that I'd finally understand?
This line was also decent.
I'm not sure, doubtful I am.
Hated the ending. This piece was okay, I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't too fantastic at all. I think what you're problem is that for such a short piece, this is really lacking in metaphor and ambiguity. Because you're stating exactly what's happening and what to think throughout the shrot duration of the piece, I get little from it, I don't go away wondering about anything; and it literally just goes into one ear, and out the other. Which is a shame, as I think this really does have potential. Keep it, and work on it man, as it's promising!


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654
#4
For some reason, I couldn't help reading it in the voice of Yoda. Sorry, bro.

Not much else to say...it was very meh. But if you worked with it a bit, like maybe give it a better arrangement, it could definitely be better.
#5
Quote by punkforlife93
For some reason, I couldn't help reading it in the voice of Yoda.


bahaha, nice.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#6
Quote by HellBent1337
Here's a short thing I wrote that reminds me of some song with a good idea, but it's sung out of key.


Doubtful I am.

I'm paranoid, delusional, and without confidence.
In a place of hell where I'm unable to tell
the difference between right from wrong
from friends and wondering if they exist
Is it horrible for me to think you don't exist?
would that bring me to a hell that I'd finally understand?
I'm not sure, doubtful I am.


in a place OF hell sounds bad. bad rhyme between hell-tell. from friends and wondering if they exist could be made better. you used exist in two consecutive lines.

rest is fine, thats what stood out as bad

c4c please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1089713
#7
Quote by HellBent1337


Doubtful I am.

I'm paranoid, delusional, and without confidence.

The "without confidence" phrase is irritating to me. I also think that paranoid and delusional are close enough in meaning that one of them should be removed, or split up into another line as previously suggested.

In a place of hell where I'm unable to tell

This instantly reminded me of Blues Traveler's "Runaround"

the difference between right from wrong

I thought this was too cliche.

from friends and wondering if they exist

I liked this.

Is it horrible for me to think you don't exist?

I genuinely enjoyed this line.

would that bring me to a hell that I'd finally understand?

Good line.

I'm not sure, doubtful I am.

This seemed like a cop-out ending.



This had some nice lines that made me go, "hmmm, nice!" but flesh it out further. I also had the thought that when you're doubtful, or confused about something, there is a flip side of the coin, something that makes you think that it is all in your head (tie into your delusional/paranoid thoughts?). This seemed to be unexplored in your writing.