#1
I haven't written lyrics for a while, but this came to me very suddenly, and I had to write it down. Enjoy!

The Diary of Jim Jones

Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen

It's so far from home but where the heart is, lost so long you forget where the start is
This panic is delicious, as you turn from your predispositions
Slick submission reconditioned, redefine your definitions
You stars aren't set in stone, but they're falling just as surely

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry

The days fly by as fast as the grass grows, if you try and leave they'll all know
And we can't let that happen, I'm not delirious, but best keep this mysterious
Our goings-on aren't quite as well regarded as you might have thought before
Wait now, is that someone in the distance? I'll send someone to render assistance

Take your aim before they leave
They cannot leave this place alive
Kill them all, wade in their blood
Protect your perfection in my version of irony

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry

Our time has come, my followers, the white nights are now alive
You'll join me in a place far greater than the one you've come to know

Take a drink, and spread the word, wash it down with bittersweet
You know you like the taste, how we look the same in perverse equality
Breathe no longer, the world has grown too crowded
A silent round to my head and I'll take my rightful throne

Bloated face down as the sky falls swift with cyanide
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 19, 2009,
#2
What? Do you think you're jesus or something, come to save my soul? That's how it reads man. Too preachy as if you have all the answers. I couldn't get through it all.

Maybe I just don't get it.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#3
Quote by 20Tigers
What? Do you think you're jesus or something, come to save my soul? That's how it reads man. Too preachy as if you have all the answers. I couldn't get through it all.

Maybe I just don't get it.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)


I critiqued yours, although you might not be happy about what I said. Anyways, thanks for your crit, even though you were really far off, ehehe! It's about Jim Jones, if you couldn't guess from the title...just type his name into Google, it might ring a bell.
#4
Quote by punkforlife93
I haven't written lyrics for a while, but this came to me very suddenly, and I had to write it down. Enjoy!

The Diary of Jim Jones

Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen
The content was good, the phrasing was good, the structure was good, and the flow was good. But goddayuum the rhyming is so horribly annoying. It really ruined what is otherwise, a fantastic start.

It's so far from home but where the heart is, lost so long you forget where the start is
This panic is delicious, as you turn from your predispositions
Slick submission reconditioned, redefine your definitions
Having said that about the rhyming in the previous stanza, the rhyming here was ****ing awesome!
You stars aren't set in stone, but they're falling just as surely

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry
This was okay, but didn't really do much for me. There was nothing in it that made me think "oh, that's interesting, I wonder what that could mean..."

The days fly by as fast as the grass grows, if you try and leave they'll all know
And we can't let that happen, I'm not delirious, but best keep this mysterious
"delirious" and "mysterious" was horrible, otherwise this was good.
Our goings-on aren't quite as well regarded as you might have thought before
Wait now, is that someone in the distance? I'll send someone to render assistance
Ditto for "distance" and "assistance".

Take your aim before they leave
They cannot leave this place alive
Kill them all, wade in their blood
Protect your perfection in my version of irony

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry
I take it this stanza is the chorus. If so, that's a shame, because the chorus is supposed to be the important, interesting, clever part. This really isn't :/

Our time has come, my followers, the white nights are now alive
You'll join me in a place far greater than the one you've come to know

Take a drink, and spread the word, wash it down with bittersweet
You know you like the taste, how we look the same in perverse equality
This was pretty good, I liked it.
Breathe no longer, the world has grown too crowded
A silent round to my head and I'll take my rightful throne
In fact, the whole stanza was quite solid.

Bloated face down as the sky falls swift with cyanide


You're main problem is that the rhyming is, for the most part, very irritating, and spoils an otherwise awesome song. Also, you're choice of stanza for the chorus is pretty poor.

But other than these criticisms, this song really is pretty damn good, man!

Thanks for the crit on mine
Last edited by michal23 at Mar 19, 2009,
#5
Like Michal said, the rhyming is kind of annoying at some parts, and it sounded kind of, for lack of a better word, child-moleslty, until i reread the title. As for describing cult leader Jim Jones, dead on. Overall a good job.
Quote by JeanMi36
The little toe is one fragile motherfuc*er.
#6
Good subject matter mate. Its funny i was thinking about this very same subject the other day, i just couldn't remember his name.

I thought it was good overall, maybe a little repetitive.
I think some of the lines could have been congealed in to short, more forceful statements.

Overall though pretty good.
#7
Thanks for all of the criticism, guys. I'm probably going to revise this and actually set this to music - think The Fall of Troy mixed with Gorillaz - and we'll see how it goes.

Btw, a shout out to michal23 - your advice was great, really useful in particular.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 19, 2009,
#8
Quote by punkforlife93
I critiqued yours, although you might not be happy about what I said. Anyways, thanks for your crit, even though you were really far off, ehehe! It's about Jim Jones, if you couldn't guess from the title...just type his name into Google, it might ring a bell.
Lol I welcome any form of crit. I'm brutally honest about what I think I wouldn't expect anything less from anyone else.

I googled Jim Jones. Born in Indiana started a cult or "temple" and it ended in bloodshed.
He was the original Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

I guess my biggest problem is that I didn't know Jim Jones. But if your song is telling me about him it shouldn't matter, should it?

Think Hurricane by Bob Dylan. Even if you don't know who Hurricane Carter is to begin with, after listening to the song you feel like you do and you have a good understanding of his story of injustice.

I get that this isn't Jim Jones' ballad. The title doesn't promise to tell the story. It is a suggestion that we might get inside his head. It looks preachy though. This looks like something Jim Jones would be saying to his followers, his last sermon maybe.

As a diary entry I'd like to see what he is really thinking - his true confessions. I want to get inside his mind and learn the thoughts he doesn't share with anyone else. Is his inner dialogue really exactly the same as what he might show and say outwardly for all to see? Is he honest in his insanity or is he twisted with some deeper malicious duality?
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#9
FWIW, I take issue with Michal23's assertion that the chorus is supposed to be "the interesting part." Not true, the chorus is supposed to be the catchy part that gets stuck in people's head and makes them want to hear the single again. It needs to be addictive, or it isn't doing its job.

I can't write a decent chorus to save my life. They're really hard, or everybody'd be a rock star...

peace
#10
problem?

Great poem

wayyy too long of a song


actually reading again....as a diary this may not be suitable because a diary is one day and you seem to write about the entire story of him...and as a speech it wouldnt be that good either...i suggest changing the title simply to Jim Jones
Last edited by 21wickwing at Mar 19, 2009,
#11
The Diary of Jim Jones

Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen
I actually like these rhymes...but I'm a freak about rhymes, they make a song feel glued together better, to me. The content is also right on - it hooks the reader/listener into it just like Jim Jones hooked his followers...if that's not a bad analogy for you :P

It's so far from home but where the heart is, lost so long you forget where the start is
This panic is delicious, as you turn from your predispositions
Slick submission reconditioned, redefine your definitions
Your stars aren't set in stone, but they're falling just as surely
I like the first line, and love the middle two. The last one feels weaker. I like the verse as a whole because it begins to reveal insight into Jones' mind. Only problem overall is that this verse doesn't feel tied together.

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry
The last line really makes this chorus kick ass.

The days fly by as fast as the grass grows, if you try and leave they'll all know
And we can't let that happen, I'm not delirious, but best keep this mysterious
Our goings-on aren't quite as well regarded as you might have thought before
Wait now, is that someone in the distance? I'll send someone to render assistance
Great transitioning verse. In the first line, we know stuff is starting to happen in this verse. I love the use of assistance here - when we really know that his intent was darker.

Take your aim before they leave
They cannot leave this place alive
Kill them all, wade in their blood
Protect your perfection in my version of irony
I feel as though this should replace the chorus rather than precede it, although if you intend it as an interlude it's perfect. The first two lines are necessary for storytelling, the third line seems out of place, and the fourth line is great.

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry

Our time has come, my followers, the white nights are now alive
You'll join me in a place far greater than the one you've come to know
Only thing that bothers me was Nights vs. Knights, I don't know which you mean to use. Second line seems like tell-not-show. Try describing the utopia mentioned earlier a little, if you want.

Take a drink, and spread the word, wash it down with bittersweet
You know you like the taste, how we look the same in perverse equality
Breathe no longer, the world has grown too crowded
A silent round to my head and I'll take my rightful throne
Great wrap-up to the story. Very solid verse.

Bloated face down as the sky falls swift with cyanide
Great image.
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
#12
This definintely feels like you did it all in one shot at some points.
I feel like in order to complete your thoughts you used a lot of needless words to make it clunky and rather verbose in some areas. Also, I agree whole-heartedly with 20Tigers in the possibly title change as this does not come off as diary entry at all, or possibly the story of his journal entries. You're on to a neat a idea here, I just think your phrases should be more concise.

You can crit however you want to my new set of lyrics I just put up. "I Long For the Ocean".
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#13
Thanks again to all those who gave advice about my song - as suggested, I did write the whole thing in one go, and I'm thinking of maybe changing the title to The Ballad of Jim Jones or something, except that Ballad seems to be used a lot in the names of songs. I'll crit yours in just a sec GuitarSymphony.
#16
Quote by punkforlife93
...I'm sorry...why would you say that?


It's probably the big words like "proposal" and "distance"

#17
Quote by decolletagerest
Good subject matter mate. Its funny i was thinking about this very same subject the other day, i just couldn't remember his name.

I thought it was good overall, maybe a little repetitive.
I think some of the lines could have been congealed in to short, more forceful statements.

Overall though pretty good.

This +1

One thing, though, I do feel like I want/need to add: this whole, superfluously long thing just seems overly perfect. Perfection is boring, and the whole way through this, all I wanted to see were a few honest 'mistakes' or more character to the wording. Something that would make me comprehend you and how you feel about this matter. There's not a single line here that has edge to it - apart from maybe "Protect your perfection in my version of irony" - Yeah, the subject matter is conversational and questionable enough as it is, but I just don't care. You didn't make me feel like I want to know about the character in discussion. I know nothing of Jim and that doesn't bother me.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 21, 2009,
#18
The Diary of Jim Jones

Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen
awesome flow. the verbiage is direct and lacking in any great pretense, but it reads straight through. perfect verse

It's so far from home but where the heart is, lost so long you forget where the start is
This panic is delicious, as you turn from your predispositions
Slick submission reconditioned, redefine your definitions
You stars aren't set in stone, but they're falling just as surely
I like the overall impression this part gives me, but the first two lines flow somewhat awkwardly.....breaks appear where they shouldn't

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry
last line feels awkward. good otherwise

The days fly by as fast as the grass grows, if you try and leave they'll all know
And we can't let that happen, I'm not delirious, but best keep this mysterious
Our goings-on aren't quite as well regarded as you might have thought before
Wait now, is that someone in the distance? I'll send someone to render assistance
flow gets off here. none of these lines flow from one into the other (although, I can't hear the music here.)

Take your aim before they leave
They cannot leave this place alive
Kill them all, wade in their blood
Protect your perfection in my version of irony
a little cliche, but nice!

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry
same as above

Our time has come, my followers, the white nights are now alive
You'll join me in a place far greater than the one you've come to know

Take a drink, and spread the word, wash it down with bittersweet
You know you like the taste, how we look the same in perverse equality
Breathe no longer, the world has grown too crowded
A silent round to my head and I'll take my rightful throne
still cliche'ed. a lot weaker than the beginning, imo

Bloated face down as the sky falls swift with cyanide
not sure why this was set apart by itself. not the best ending line, but not the worst.


all in all, a strong start gets washed away by the mediocrity and been-there-done-that-edness of the second half.

not a bad start though.

--jay.
#19
wow....just out of curiosity what inspired you to write this?? It's well put together don't get me wrong i especially felt this part:

"Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen"
#20
Quote by punkforlife93
I haven't written lyrics for a while, but this came to me very suddenly, and I had to write it down. Enjoy!

The Diary of Jim Jones

Come to me my children, utopia's but a day away
So follow if you wish to, I'll make sure that these sheep don't stray
Bring to me your huddled masses, bring to me your failing dreams
I'll show you what you want to see, I'll show you things you've never seen

It's so far from home but where the heart is, lost so long you forget where the start is
This panic is delicious, as you turn from your predispositions
Slick submission reconditioned, redefine your definitions
You stars aren't set in stone, but they're falling just as surely


So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry

The days fly by as fast as the grass grows, if you try and leave they'll all know
And we can't let that happen, I'm not delirious, but best keep this mysterious
Our goings-on aren't quite as well regarded as you might have thought before
Wait now, is that someone in the distance? I'll send someone to render assistance

Take your aim before they leave
They cannot leave this place alive
Kill them all, wade in their blood
Protect your perfection in my version of irony

So stop for a second, consider my proposal
You'll love this life however short
Just don't forget your purpose is for the
Greater good of deity in cold idolatry

Our time has come, my followers, the white nights are now alive
You'll join me in a place far greater than the one you've come to know

Take a drink, and spread the word, wash it down with bittersweet
You know you like the taste, how we look the same in perverse equality
Breathe no longer, the world has grown too crowded
A silent round to my head and I'll take my rightful throne

Bloated face down as the sky falls swift with cyanide


I absolutely love that line