#1
A silhouette sun in the southern sky
You bled me till my veins ran dry

I don't need you. No

I don't want you. No

I don't love you girl just walk away

from me.

Your words they spoke of what I want in life
Your soul showed all that I despise

I don't trust you.

I don't hear you

I don't want you I don't want your lies.
Just walk away, just walk away
I don't love you girl just walk away

from me.

It's gettin hot in here
I don't love you girl
It's gettin hot
I don't want you girl
So fuckin hot

MMmMMh I can't stand anymore cause I need you girl and I'll bleed you girl YES I want you now like you've
never
wanted
me.

I'll shake you girl and I'll hate you girl then I'll break you girl and I'll leave you
lying
on the
floor.

Oh girl.

You shoulda just walked away from me.
Now you're lyin on the floor

You shoulda just walked away
MOTHERFUCKER JUST WALK AWAAAY!!!!


A sinking sun in the southern sky
I bled you till your veins ran dry.

You shoulda just
walked away

You coulda just
walked away

from me.
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Mar 19, 2009,
#2
The first couple lines gave me a glimmer of hope...and then...

I'm sorry, but the rest is so utterly crap that I can't stand to say anything good about it. It's every other generic song, full of cliches, with a few f-bombs thrown in...it sucks.
#3
You've pointed out yourself in another thread that this is billed as a songwriting forum on a guitar-oriented website. The poets also hang out here and critique each other, which has its uses. Sometimes, the metrics of poetry get applied to a song, which can be annoying. But that can also be a good thing.

As a song, this might work for a punk band where the content isn't held to a very high standard. If you want to get drunk and pogo, why not do that to this?

However, there isn't much content to this song. The ideas can be boiled down to "I'm mad, so I'm going to hurt a girl, who should have walked away." The one idea in the song (repeated twice, which is good) that stands out at all is the idea of the sun setting in the southern sky, with someone silhoutted there. Technically, the sun sets in the west, but I'm willing to buy it setting in the southern sky if you're going for a southern gothic murder ballad, or something along those lines.

So, my advice is to work on that image. Why is the sun setting in the southern sky? Whose silhouette is it in that first line. I would suggest that you focus more on the characters and less on the raw emotion (it's the "show, don't tell" thing). Nick Cave would be a good artist to listen to, or Leonard Cohen. Mark Sandman, maybe, of Morphine.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Mar 19, 2009,
#4
The song is pretty one-dimensional/generic. But I've heard pop songs with worse lyrics, so not all hope is lost.
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#5
Like everyone else has said, this is pretty generic and horribly cliche. It seems to me like you've tried to mask that with the form and the line breaks, but the cliche-ness still seeps through.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth, and it's the only way you'll get better at writing.
#6
It seems like you were watching tv and thought of the first two lines and thought they'd go great in a song. Then you realized that you can't make a song with two lines, so you threw in a bunch of crap to make it long enough...Then you separated some lines to make it look not so generic. That's my two cents.
Quote by JeanMi36
The little toe is one fragile motherfuc*er.
#7
Quote by HellBent1337
The song is pretty one-dimensional/generic. But I've heard pop songs with worse lyrics, so not all hope is lost.


This is what came through for me, as well. The song seems to have a confused identity; does it want to be a pop song or something deeper? Pick one, and run with it. (put the scissors down, first.)
#8
There are three things I look at when critting a song.
1) Is the content good?
2) Is it presented well/interestingly/originally?
3) Does reading this make me want to hear it?

Ok, so lets look at numero uno. Is the content good? No. This is pretty generic post-harcore/screamo drivel. I'm mad, wha wha, someone should've left me, blah blah blah, etc etc.

Is this presented in an interesting or original way? No. The lines are bland and lifeless with no imager present whatsoever in the whole piece apart from the one about the setting sun, which is pretty cliched anyway. Also, dropping the f-bomb is a hinderance not a help.

Finally, does this make me want to hear it? No.

So unfortunately that's No 3/3. This really reads like what a previous poster said, you got the first couple of lines in your head and then decided to try and make a song out of it, only to run out of any ideas/inspiration/whatever.


Oh, and on a different subject. This forum might be called "Songwriting and Lyrics" but there is a heck of a lot of poets here. All four mods are poets, and the majority of the regulars (and quite a few noobs) are poets to. A few of us, myself included, still songwrite a lot, but i keep my songs to myself and use this to help expand my poetic side. So yes, don't let the name mislead you, this is as much, if not more, a poetry than a lyrics forum. However, feel free to post lyrics, we could do with more songwriters, as Nilchii has said before. Anywho, end wall of text etc.
#9
Lol. Genuine thanks for the crits. - I can see a pretty general theme running though them.

Quote by Nilchii
As a song, this might work for a punk band where the content isn't held to a very high standard. If you want to get drunk and pogo, why not do that to this?
Awesome!! I was drunk on a pogo when I wrote it.
Quote by Nilchii
Why is the sun setting in the southern sky? Whose silhouette is it in that first line. I would suggest that you focus more on the characters and less on the raw emotion (it's the "show, don't tell" thing). Nick Cave would be a good artist to listen to, or Leonard Cohen. Mark Sandman, maybe, of Morphine.

peace

Excellent advice.

Quote by Masmal
...thought of the first two lines and thought they'd go great in a song. Then you realized that you can't make a song with two lines, so you threw in a bunch of crap to make it long enough...Then you separated some lines to make it look not so generic. That's my two cents.

Quote by Michal23
...generic ...cliche. It seems to me like you've tried to mask that with the form and the line breaks, but the cliche-ness still seeps through.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth, and it's the only way you'll get better at writing.
I always want the truth. If I didn't I'd show my lyrics to my blind grandmother that never says anything bad about anyone and not post them in a public forum looking for feedback.

I would like to point out the form and line breaks aren't there to mask anything I write like that as a way of outlining for myself the underlying rhythmic and musical structure that I hear when I write so that I can put the music to it later. I have nothing to hide.

I've often wondered though when I write like that can anyone else sense a rhythm in the structure?
Si
#10
I very rarely sense a rhythm in the structure, so often people will just post simple renditions of their songs on youtube and link to them in their post as well as posting hte lyrics, just to give people an idea of what it sounds like.
#11
FWIW, I do sense the rhythmic structure of the song (or at least the mood) from the structure of your poetry. I use the same sort of device when I'm writing out a lyric by hand, sometimes - especially if I can't record it or play it for some reason, like I'm at a restaurant and inspiration strikes.

However, it's generally easier for other people to parse, I think, in a standardized form. I personally have no preference, though, and I didn't find your spatial arrangement of words objectionable.

peace
#12
Quote by punkforlife93
The first couple lines gave me a glimmer of hope...and then...

I'm sorry, but the rest is so utterly crap that I can't stand to say anything good about it. It's every other generic song, full of cliches, with a few f-bombs thrown in...it sucks.


Yeah i have to agree... And to the addition... It sounds like a Fookin sex song... (sucks, can't use the, "U"...)

Like your copying..

"It's getting hot in here
so take off all your clothes.."

Thats what the song made me think about... And thats not great...

Anyways, feel free to critque my latest... -smiles-
Last edited by Kom23 at Mar 21, 2009,
#13
it's all been said man... just take your time when writing.... remember that the same concepts have been written about for centuries so if you take a little time to think of how you can word something differently, or take some time to work on metaphors and/or being a little more discreet in your meaning you'll find yourself writing much more interesting things. best of luck