#1
Last Lights


Sand is Evil and floods the works,
wrapping itself through spool and cog.


Grinding to a hault the hands float above thirty.

Pink walls open and death follows...
...or not.

Ripe for the harvest, waiting to step in to line
the fields of unwanted sway with dead pan faces.

The last lights as it were.

Screams flood every square inch of this house.

Is this working?

I think not.
#2
This song was...interesting, to say the least. I'm just having a bit of difficulty understanding the meaning behind it. It could be about quicksand maybe, or just death as a whole, but it definitely has an odd feel to it.

"Ripe for the harvest, waiting to step in to line
the fields of unwanted sway with dead pan faces."


I felt like this was definitely your best line; either this or the sand one, at least. This poem has a decent amount of depth to it, and the imagery is really good. Probably a 6 out of 10 for me, though, since I just don't understand it too well...would you care to elaborate on it at all?

Btw, I've got a song in my link, if you could check it out.
#3
Quote by decolletagerest
Last Lights


Sand is Evil and floods the works,
wrapping itself through spool and cog.
The intro was very good, I really liked it. The only thing I'd change is the word "evil". "Sand is evil" just really doesn't do it for me, didn't like it much at all.


Grinding to a hault the hands float above thirty.
This is good, I have no idea what it means though haha

Pink walls open and death follows...
...or not.
This was again, also good, but I didn't like "...or not", I'd rephrase it into something that means the same, but is said in a more original/intriguing way.

Ripe for the harvest, waiting to step in to line
the fields of unwanted sway with dead pan faces.
Perhaps change "unwanted" to a different word, or at least to "the unwanted". Other than that, I liked it.

The last lights as it were.

Screams flood every square inch of this house.

Is this working?

I think not.
No complaints at all with any of the rest. I really liked this, it was very ambiguous and puzzling (which is great, don't get me wrong). I'm still unsure as to what it means, but it read pretty damn good!


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654
#4
I just don't understand it too well...would you care to elaborate on it at all?

Its actually about three things.The main theme is the body clock and how its cruel that women have only a relatively short period to conceive.

The second thing is the fact that some couples have children just because they are running out of time.

And the final thing is its often a regretted decision to have a child.

Thanks all for your comments
#5
I really enjoyed this, especially after understanding it. I like this line:
"the fields of unwanted sway with dead pan faces."
Since michal23 mentioned everything else that I would've, I'll just say that you could still add lines to a song/poem this short without diluting the power of the lines you have, and with them explain slightly more the meanings behind it all. Overall, good work.

If you're up for it, I could use a crit on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1088632
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox