#1
I wrote this after a fight with my best friend and my gf. Tell me what you think

Would you mind if I died?
Do you care that I live?
Would you mind if I cries?
Do you care that I did?
Would you cry if I died?
'Cuz I can't take this ****
Would you mind If I lied?
'Cuz I said I was fine

My mind is a wreck
My body's a mess
You can see in my face
That I hate this place

I want to go home
Oh, I just want to go

still working just looking for criticism/advice
#3
"Would you mind if i cries?"

Might wanna fix that. think you might mean "cried"...
#4
Would you care if I wrote a song to this?
Quote by Punk_Ninja

Also caught her playing fallout boy on my guitar, changed my strings and cleaned it the next day. A week later it was greenday.
If she does anythign like that again I'm going to snap her drumsticks, kick her bass drum in and frisbee her cymbals.
#7
Would you mind if I died?
Do you care that I live?
Would you mind if I cried?
Do you care that I did?
Would you cry if I died?
'Cuz I can't take this ****
Would you mind If I lied?
'Cuz I said I was fine
I reckon the last four lines might work better and avoid repeated words if it was something along the lines of:
"Can you not tell me why?
I have to take all this ****
Do you want me to lie?
And say that I'm fine"
Something like that.

My mind is a wreck
My body's a mess
You can see in my face
That I hate this place

I want to go home
Oh, I just want to go

That's all I can think of for the above as it's a bit sparse at the moment. Hope that helped and let me know if you add more cause I'd like to see where it's going.

Shroom.
Lyrics Crit 4 Crit
More Graves To Fill (14-05-2009)
Jus Ad Bellum (10-05-2009)

Quote by ragebass89
That is ****in awesome! I mean not that he died, but the fact that monkeys killed him.