#1
My guitar skills have progressed to the point where I feel comfortable with working on a different aspect of music: singing and lyrics.

I've been listening to a lot of Final Cut and Animals, both late Roger Waters-dominated Floyd. I just completed a huge project on military recruiting, and just got back from a recital (I'm also a violinist). I've been rather cynical the past few days, so I decided to write what I felt.

My musical style is based heavily on atmosphere and texture, and the instruments are what provide the melody and structure, the angry lyrics just drive the whole thing further.

I'd like anyone's input.


Caps signify a dynamic change and overall change from brooding to explosive.

Why, why did I join the fight?
I should have listened, my friends were right.

why did I assume?
That I could dodge the impending doom

To think is to imagine
But to see is to know

And why did I think
and who would have thought,
that I could finish this song.
the days really seem too long.

IS IT CLOCKWORK?
OR SOMETHING MORE SINISTER

DON'T YOU JOIN,
YOU MIGHT NEED A MINISTER
The simpleton's rig:
Fender Roadhouse Stratocaster
Homemade Fuzz pedal "the chainsaw"
Peavey Valveking 212.
#2
Just a couple of suggestions, your third stanza doesn't have a pair like the first two.

And the "you might need a minister" part doesn't flow well.
Not only is the rhythm off, but you don't sound so sure, like I might need something doesn't make it sound so bad. I dunno if that makes sense at all.
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#3
Why, why did I join the fight?
I should have listened, my friends were right.

Good point, It would be even stronger if you expanded this. perhaps explain what the fight is, and why your friends say no?

why did I assume?
That I could dodge the impending doom

Ok, so now doom is coming but I have no idea why or in what form. again, explain more. Also you need more syllables in the first line to make it even out. its a bit akward on flow as of right now.

To think is to imagine
But to see is to know

I like it. and for many people it is true.

And why did I think
and who would have thought,
that I could finish this song.
the days really seem too long.

I didn't care for this at all. forced rhyme at the end = boooo. also flow again is ehh.
perhaps you could keep the first two lines and use them to expand your previous stanza? along with more material of course.


IS IT CLOCKWORK?
OR SOMETHING MORE SINISTER

I don't necessarily understand how this fits, but I like the way it sounds.

DON'T YOU JOIN,
YOU MIGHT NEED A MINISTER

No. no rhyme, no rhythm, no nothing. perhaps you could include the ideas elswhere throughout the song, but like this its just . . . not the best.
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Overall, its a good idea, it just isn't implemented the best. for a first work however, it's not bad at all. don't give this up by anymeans.
If I was going to tell you one thing it would be to expand your ideas.
If I was going to tell you two things, I would also say, don't force rhyme.

Take it easy man,
-Ryan