#1
Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far

In the end
What's in a friend
Someone to break
Or someone to bend
I don't know
If I'm coming back
But if I am
I'm not gonna crack

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

[Repeat Chorus]

I hope you
Understand that
I am not
****ing around
I feel a change
Coming to me
My heart's burning at
A million degrees

What's the word
On your old friend
Last I heard
He was trying to mend
Sometimes
We come undone
It does us no good but
We don't run

[Chorus 2x]

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far
#3
Quote by Macintoshmaster
Not bad apart from the diry mouthed word in that lot (it kinda put me off though )


Fair enough.
#4
I think that swearing is foul and scum.
What's the point in it???
It doesn't look cool (even though you think it does).
Makes people dislike you.
See, look at this thread, no one replyed only me.

Ya lean somthing everyday don't you!
Apple Macintosh




Fender Stratocaster Highway one HSS USA

Marshall DSL50 British green
#5
Hmm...well I can see where you're coming from, but I'm certainly not using it to "look cool". I mean I wrote the song while it came to me while strumming some chords. It was spontaneous, and such a strong word is unexpected to the listener and powerful. Regardless, I didn't mean to offend you but what, you've never seen a song with a swear word in it? I certainly don't think it's the reason no one else has responded.
#7
I like it, minus the bad word. It seems like it would make a nice softer song with acoustic guitars and/or clean guitars and piano. Keep up the good work!
Gibson Les Paul Traditional Pro
Fender Blues Jr.
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Ibanez Tubescreamer TS9

THE WHO
#8
Cool thanks. I'm thinking of a way to replace the bad word since it seems that the consensus is that it's, for lack of a better word, bad. With the chord progression and melody it does sound nice if I don't say so myself. :p
#9
Okay, I made some updates to this song. Let me know what you think...

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far

In the end
What's in a friend
Someone to break
Or someone to bend
I don't know
If I'm on track
I hope to God
That I bounce back

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there
This road
Will take us there

I think you
Should lose that grin
You need to look
Again and again
I feel a change
Coming to me
My heart's burning at
A million degrees

What's the word
On your old friend
Last I heard
He was trying to mend
Sometimes
We come undone
It does us no good but
We don't run

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there
This road
Will take us there

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far
#10
Honestly dude, I think it was better with the f-bomb in there....

Don't take this the wrong way, but this was fairly boring
A few strong words would definitely help to pick it up,
though to be fair, it'll take more than a few words to make this good

It's not horrible, and it's fixable, but really, this is the kinda thing that needs to be expanded on, but shortened at the same time
I read this earlier today in S&L n I liked it n thought it was pretty good advice,
Tell me less and show me more

In other words, take out all the constant repetition and filler lines
Take out all the stuff that you can find an some over played pop rock song on the radio and put in stuff that's meaningful to you

Remember, if you're writing, try not to write something that you would listen to,
then fix it up how you like, and it will come out a whole lot better
#12
I agree with greyeyedfire...
to be specific, you pretty much called the song Cars, said the word once, then ignored it.... I don't know much, but I think you should stress the theme of running away more
#13
Quote by ttreat31
Okay, I made some updates to this song. Let me know what you think...

Would someone please
Listen to me

??? Doesn't relate to next lines.

I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far
pretty good

In the end
What's in a friend
Someone to break
Or someone to bend
I think you should delete the or, but pretty good
I don't know
If I'm on track
I hope to God
NEVER explicitly refer to god. EVER
That I bounce back

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

weak. mention cars again. And take us where??

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there
This road
Will take us there

I think you
Should lose that grin

How is this connected to the rest of the stanza?
You need to look
Again and again
I feel a change
Coming to me
My heart's burning at
A million degrees

What's the word
On your old friend
Last I heard
He was trying to mend
Sometimes
We come undone
It does us no good but
We don't run
Meh

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

Same issue here

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there
This road
Will take us there

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far


So far, I see a very rough draft...
#15
I'm reviewing the first one because i think it's better...

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far

The first three lines don't flow as well as the rest in this verse. The connection between the first four lines and the rest of the verse isn't very strong. Some good ideas, just pick the best and expand on them instead of having tow separate ideas in a verse.

In the end
What's in a friend
Someone to break
Or someone to bend
I don't know
If I'm coming back
But if I am
I'm not gonna crack

Once again, the connection isn't very strong between the first four lines and the rest of the verse. The fact of leaving just comes out of nowhere, I would re-arrange the song to put that part somewhere after one of the choruses.

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take us there

Moving from first person singular to first person plural, pick one and stick with it.

I hope you
Understand that
I am not
****ing around
I feel a change
Coming to me
My heart's burning at
A million degrees
This verse has serious issues with flowing. I"m not against the cursing, but it just doesn't flow with the rest of the song. I'm not too sure how the change fits in their either.

What's the word
On your old friend
Last I heard
He was trying to mend
Sometimes
We come undone
It does us no good but
We don't run

The we can't run also doesn't flow well with the rest of the song, and with the verse.

Good ideas, just single out the strongest ones that inspire the most feeling within you and run with them, also re-arrange some things. Good ideas though.

C4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1093450
It's quite similar really...
Bitch Stole My Taco!
#16
a bit repetitive but pretty good neither the less, I liked the f*** in the original to be honest.


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.
#18
I've made some revisions. Whether or not it's better, it's difficult for me to say. Regardless, it has more focus now. Once again, let me know what you think...

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far

In the end
What's in a friend
Someone to break
Someone to bend
You turned away
And left me here
It's got me wondering
Were you sincere

Just let me
Let me be
Just leave this place
And we'll be free

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take you there

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take you there

I wish you
Wouldn't look so pleased
It makes my heart burn
A million degrees
But I suppose
This is what's best
Now that I've got
This off my chest

What's the word
On you old friend
Last I heard
You were trying to mend
I understand
That time has passed
And some things
Just can't outlast

Just let me
Let me be
Just leave this place
And we'll be free

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take you there

This road
Goes on and on and on and on and
This road
Will take you there

Would someone please
Listen to me
I'm so sick of
Hearing you speak
I don't know
Much about cars
But I can tell you
This one goes far
#19
I was going to crit this, but decided against it. Everything has pretty much been said. Not to mention, quit double-posting when you revise it. Just edit your first post and keep c4cing others work.
#20
Yeah sorry for the double posts, but I wanted to let people see the other versions so they can say what they prefer. :p
#22
Quote by punkforlife93
I was going to crit this, but decided against it. Everything has pretty much been said. Not to mention, quit double-posting when you revise it. Just edit your first post and keep c4cing others work.

He's right. Don't double post. If you revise your piece then just edit the revisions into your first post.

This is getting closed. Go read the rules please and when you're done post this again as your revised version and follow the rules from now on.



EDIT: And keep in mind that the right way to get your thread bumped is to comment on other's pieces and their return comments will bump your thread for you.