#1
This sucks. This is what happens when you don't write for 2 years. You get this.

Crit the hell out of it, as always I'll return them....

Don't ever stop writing.

Burn out slow

Late last night my brother Davie heading out to see some girl
Got caught up in the blizzard, got tossed outta the world
I found carved into a bible by the bed where Davie lay:
It’s better to burn out than to fade away

You gotta burn so bright right when the lights die low
You gotta hold on tight, Dave
Gotta burn out slow

Back in school I had a girl, sweetest girl in all the land
But she left a book of empty promises burning in my hands
And that goddamn bumper sticker haunts my head this very day
"It's better to burn out than to fade away"

Tryin' to catch a firefly a second too slow
Don't run it too hot babe,
You gotta burn out slow

Tonight I felt her like ice feels the fresh falling rain
What happened to the promises the two of us made
A cigarette mocks me from an ashtray where she lay
The smoke rises up, slowly fades away
#3
reminded me of my my hey hey by neil young because of the its better to burn out than fade away
#5
This is pretty good for a 2 year hiatus. I haven't even been attempting to write for that long.

Late last night my brother Davie heading out to see some girl
Got caught up in the blizzard, got tossed outta the world
I found carved into a bible by the bed where Davie lay:
It’s better to burn out than to fade away

I loved the opening. I thought it was really strong.

sweetest girl in all the land

I didn't like sweetest girl in all the land unfortunately. I thought it was a little forced, but that's just my opinion.

That's pretty much it. I liked it, though. It has great flow and i can see it easily being put to music.
#6
^^ it was forced. lol. you ever have something worth hearing but the more you try to say it, the worse it comes out? that's this piece. it just sucks, because i could write so well once. it'll come back.
#7
I'm sure it will. i've never had that 'so well once,' but hopefully i will. just a matter of time. :-D
#8
At first, I wanted consistency from the chorus (it looked like you had two different bridges at first glance), but once I thought about it, I decided I didn't care that much. Variant choruses that follow the same pattern are fine - it just looked weird.

More than that, though, I was a little unclear about the timeline, motivation, and the action. So, last night, your brother Dave dies in a wreck (condolences), and tonight, you're lying in bed, smoking, with an ashtray where this old girlfriend of yours used to sleep. I'm not going to crit any further, 'cause I know how it is to knock the rust off. That was my main issue with this, and I'm sure you see it as well as I do.

peace
#9
it's not so much a cohesive story...i was trying to go more along the line of things not lasting the way they should, things that hold promise but burn out before their time....i'm just having a hard time getting it all together. obviously.
#10
Quote by Phoebus
This sucks. This is what happens when you don't write for 2 years. You get this.

Crit the hell out of it, as always I'll return them....

Don't ever stop writing.

Burn out slow

Late last night my brother Davie heading out to see some girl
Got caught up in the blizzard, got tossed outta the world
I found carved into a bible by the bed where Davie lay:
It’s better to burn out than to fade away
Okay, I didn't like this at all. The rhyming of girl with world was horrible, I hated it. The story telling style isn't really mt thing at all, and the almost flawless flow just felt really unnatural and fake. I'm being harsh, I know, but I honestly didn't like this. Although the last line was decent.

You gotta burn so bright right when the lights die low
You gotta hold on tight, Dave
Gotta burn out slow
I didn't like it either. Dave being mentioned for what seemed like the 100th time (it's only the third, I know) was quite irritating, and the chorus didn't really say anything. It sounds like cheesy pop.

Back in school I had a girl, sweetest girl in all the land
But she left a book of empty promises burning in my hands
And that goddamn bumper sticker haunts my head this very day
"It's better to burn out than to fade away"
The first line was forced like a fat girl in some skinny jeans. The second line was fantastic, I really liked it. The last two lines were also decent, they weren't as irritating as the previous stanzas and were actually quite good.

Tryin' to catch a firefly a second too slow
Don't run it too hot babe,
You gotta burn out slow
First line was good, the second two were a catastrophe. "Babe" made me cringe. I'm still being harsh, I know, but I think you'll understand.

Tonight I felt her like ice feels the fresh falling rain
What happened to the promises the two of us made
A cigarette mocks me from an ashtray where she lay
The smoke rises up, slowly fades away
Okay, this was awesome. I really liked this, with only one flaw: the constant rhyming of "-ay" got quite annoying. Get rid of some of them, and this stanza is fantastic.

Okay, you yourself had said this sucks, and you don't need me to tell you that it does. But I will, because it does. Badly. My advice is, save the good lines that I've pointed out and get rid of the rest. If this is what two years of now riting does to you then I sure as hell am never going to stop. Sorry.



c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654

Be as harsh as you like, I deserve it.
#11
This song would work really well over a country rhythm if you ask me, or maybe southern metal, similar to Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. Unlike most songs/poems that I read, instead of getting more boring towards the end, it got better, so bravo on that bit. However, I've got to lay out that, as a whole, it really isn't good. The last stanza is rather nice though, and personally, I feel like the line about trying to catch a firefly was the highlight of the entire song. The rest just feels...out of place. Very cliche and forced.

Crit mine in my sig, if you want.
#12
This was good stuff. The haziness and variety was well shown, particularly later on in the piece.
On the other hand, I personally noticed that the first two verses were a little poor in comparison. They felt like they were setting something up that didn't really happen. You let the story take control a little too much. In some cases, doing that is very admirable and makes for really good reading, but in this case, it just made it haphazard and lazy. And the lack of proper punctuation reinforces my opinion of that; that that area in discussion wasn't flowing from you, or as important seeming as anything else.
There is very little I can add otherwise.

edit: I used "that" three times in a row... wtf?

good work