#1
twisted up a cocktail napkin
turned it into a hopeful rose
white with a blue stencil letter
words blooming out to her nose

soothing sounds of a sunday belle
like the notes ringing in a depression era tennor
hanging over from the night before, we awoke
desire for a bite, hungry together

she spent a year in an attic
withering away but retaining her shame
three children had died following birth
each one was given the same name

i was a wandering carepenter
from west to east, a bar room gardener
trying to speak easy to anyone who would listen

they were all empty except for a free glass of water
i came along and offered a flower for their stomach vase
but all i gave was paper
"chew, 'cause everything beautiful is as bad as it tastes"
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Mar 21, 2009,
#2
This is so gorgeous. Especially the last line. Also, the word play in the second stanza amde me smile. Just a nice mellow piece, really enjoyable to read.

"flowered" - flower? (last stanza, second line)
#3
I love you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
im down, as long as we can smoke cigarettes in bed after.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
I'd join in but I find Dan off putting.

Just re-reading this, is "tennor" supposed to be "tenor"?
#7
Yeah I don't love AG.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
yum
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
this one's a keeper, for sure.

yeah this is the type of stuff you bury in your personal effects before you die to be uncovered one day by a generation that never knew you, only to reflect after reading upon the genius of a very mysterious author/Grandpa/Uncle/somethinglikethis.
God, the rhyme is beautiful.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
twisted up a cocktail napkin
turned it into a hopeful rose
white with a blue stencil letter
words blooming out to her nose


The flow is brilliant here, and I actually enjoyed the rhyming, which is unusual for me. The imagery is great as well. Flawless stanza, although I don't particularly enjoy the word nose. I especially liked the first line, as it caught my attention quickly.

soothing sounds of a sunday belle
like the notes ringing in a depression era tennor
hanging over from the night before, we awoke
desire for a bite, hungry together


This followed with nice imagery and so such, and I'm starting to get more into it. The flow seems a bit off in the second line, but the tenor/together line rhymed well.

she spent a year in an attic
withering away but retaining her shame
three children had died following birth
each one was given the same name


Excellent. Nothing to remark on this except that it's perfect, especially with following the flower sort of motif.

i was a wandering carepenter
from west to east, a bar room gardener
trying to speak easy to anyone who would listen


The fact that you're keeping the flower idea steady with gardener is great. The only problem I have with this is that the third line seems a bit long, and this stanza ended abruptly. Still, nicely done.

they were all empty except for a free glass of water
i came along and offered a flower for their stomach vase
but all i gave was paper
"chew, 'cause everything beautiful is as bad as it tastes"


This is my favorite stanza that you have. The third line seems short, and I dislike it a bit, but the other lines, particularly the last one, make up for it entirely.

All in all, bravo, good sir.

I look forward to your next piece.

If you do crits, I have a couple pieces in my sig. I'd prefer it if you did the first one, as it is my newest.


EDIT: Congratulations, just saw the sticky - you deserve this.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 23, 2009,
#13
i knew it.
fully deserving, though. congrats mane!
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Absolutely deserved.
Congratulations.
What is your name, freshy? Or should I just keep calling you freshy?
#16
thank you, im glad it was enjoyed.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#18
Dig it. Beautifully written. And congrats on the WotW!

Does this have anything to do with that story of the dude who kept his daughter locked in the attic and had I think 3 children with her? I remember hearing something about that on the radio recently and this kinda reminded me of it...