#1
This one came from a dark and scary place. However, I think it's fantastic. c4c folks. PM me if i still owe you.

people should have sex more


people should have sex more

i mean,
when you're sticking your cock in her vagina
she ain't laying there going, "you know, honey,
I think we should take a break."
while you're squeezing her arse, she isn't
screaming at you that she hates you
screaming that she can't do this, she's suffocating
no, she's lying there moaning and writhing like a good little
barbie doll; bedroom eyes, blowjob mouth.
fuck me with the right side of a gun,
stick it deep inside until the blood
clogs the barrel and until i forget
the look in her eyes when she said "i'm sorry".
Last edited by kdownes at Mar 21, 2009,
#3
it feels like a giant double standard in some odd way. i liked it, especially the end. it feels very true.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
I think this could of been a little less graphic. Just a little. There were instances, such as "blowjob mouth", where you combined both poetical language and vulgar, embarrassing moments into one; which is what you should of utilized more often. It does seem contradictory in it's tone because of that. One minute you're being entirely sleazy and humorous - in connection - and the next minute you're blowing my mind with excellent lines following – and including – the "barbie doll" section. It is some of the best I've read you after that point. But the bit preceding just seemed to set a tone; a tone that you broke half way through.
Really good work. This is a different side to you that is obviously more influenced than usual.
#5
This one came from a dark and scary place. However, I think it's fantastic. c4c folks. PM me if i still owe you.

people should have sex more


people should have sex more

i mean,
when you're sticking your cock in her vagina
she ain't laying there going, "you know, honey,
I think we should take a break."
Hmm. I'm in two minds about this. The idea is decent, but the language is plain, vulgar and very to the point. It's like you're in a discussion, not writing a poem.
while you're squeezing her arse, she isn't
screaming at you that she hates you
screaming that she can't do this, she's suffocating
no, she's lying there moaning and writhing like a good little
barbie doll; bedroom eyes, blowjob mouth.
The two lines before this were fantastic, except for "blowjob mouth", didn't really like that. The ones before them were also decent, but I have a similar problem with them to the one that I've already highlighted.
fuck me with the right side of a gun,
stick it deep inside until the blood
clogs the barrel and until i forget
the look in her eyes when she said "i'm sorry".
Now this is more like it. This is, for me, where it starts to get good, and it's a shame that the whole piece isn't like this, 'cause this is exactly what I'm looking for. Overall, it's a great idea, but I think you should try to rephrase the first 2/3s or so of the piece so that they are similar to the last 1/3, in the sense of metaphor and imagery. So I'm kind of unsure of whether I like it or not, but the last part certainly got me.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654
#7
look, i'm in costa rica, I cant run this down like I would otherwise, but i need you to stop telling and start showing. desperation is in a tree holding itself in the ground much more than you holding a girl and regret is much better received in a lady bug than in an "i'm sorry".

also,I don't know anything about the characters, or the context, or the scenery, or the situation, or the experience or anything but emotion. You are invested in this, I am not. get me invested, give me more than emotion, give me experience.

pura vida mi amigo.
#8
Unexpected from you, je pense.

I get what you're trying to do, and for the most part you do it. The more crude idea of sex blundering into a broken love life, boiling over true emotions for a moment of unclean bliss where you don't have to think about that shit and everything is 'okay' and she's begging for you again. Some of it is a little too graphic without the right tone though. 'Squeezing her arse', 'blowjob mouth', they seem more juvenile than aggressively lustful, the same thing could be said more effectively with different phrasing or different images. I dunno, I feel like it should be more consistent. If you're going to use the word 'cock', dont follow it with 'vagina'. One is vulgar and the other is.. scientific. Little things like that. If you're going to be obscene, then be damn obscene, but do it with a purpose. Show me aggression. Show me dirt. Show me vulnerability and all the sadness attached to this.


Overall though, this is a good step for you. I wouldn't say 'dig yourself deeper into a dark hole', but if you decide to, keep writing about it. This is definitely a very good start.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
Thanks Saadia, and everyone. I'm not sure if i want to work on this but i understand what everyone has said. I have no memory writing this. I just phased out for a few minutes and BAM, there it was in the Freepost Thread. I might work on it, we'll see
#10
you're a ****ing good writer, you know.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
man I'm sort of swaying back and forth here. There's an aspect about it that I love- the way it boils down to the end is fitting. But at the same time, I want it to be more enthralling. It's engaging but not enthralling. I'm agreeing with tico-dylan with what I want to see you try. but I still like this. a lot. I just don't think it's fantastic.

Edit: and yes you are grow grow growing and I think I'm liking you're stuff a little more and more as time goes on.

if you get bored i did end up posting one in me sig
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Mar 23, 2009,
#13
My main thing with this is the length. I feel like you could write a lot more on this, and it would flow better. As soon as I started feeling the emotion you put into it, it ends I feel it's somewhat incomplete. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. It's different from what you usually hear, and that's a good thing. And don't be afraid to use more powerful phrases to get your point across, like "barbie doll; bedroom eyes, blowjob mouth"... that line seemed to stand out, because it had a great sense of imagery.


If you find the time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1083114
#14
Quote by kdownes
I don't know if i'd go that far, love, but thank you.


a ****ing good writer can be one who's growth is exciting, i'd say.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!