#1
I just got an email about an exhibition of a interstate artist - decent work (he's a glass artist), but at the end was something written by a so-called 'art critic'. Here it is:

"While Folland’s practice generally highlights an anxiety for potential failure in everyday activity, the primary work considers this notion through a relationship between the controlled space of domestic dwelling and the unpredictable chaos of the natural environment. By forcing everyday appliances to a point of excess, and by colliding their practical application with their inherent reference to naturally occurring forces, he attempts to highlight a fragile relationship with the world, and to shift our perceived sense of stability and security within the home."

Now, I've been seeing a lot more of these critics blabbering on about how incredible the artists they are reviewing are, and they just seem to be using long words for... for the sake of using long words. Each time I read one of these terrible 'reviews' they get harder and harder to decipher, and while trying to get some kind of coherent sentence from this crap I came up with an idea for a thread. Yay, a game!

The idea is to give a critique of the above user - be it about their guitar skills, amazing forum signature, whatever - but in the style of the above art critique.

GO!
#2
...no
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#3
Haha, hilarious. I suppose the money you saved with writing short posts will be spent on weight loss medication?
#5
I actually went to the Mississippi Museum of Art today because there was a French artist being featured (Didn't see it though because it cost twelve dollars! Who has that kinda money!), and I was reading quite a load of those bull **** critiques also. Me and my buddies decided that art today has gone to the dogs in respect to what you were saying, because it seems the majority of artists are just doing sketches and saying stuff about the "art" reflecting their inner struggles and desires for a better society when in reality they were drawing an apple and spilled coffee on the sketch pad.
Pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the f***ing car.
I love pulp...
Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair...

I will find this girl.

#6
That requires good vocabulary and a fair share of brainwork, so im officially out.
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#7
Quote by rockinsk8r91
I actually went to the Mississippi Museum of Art today because there was a French artist being featured (Didn't see it though because it cost twelve dollars! Who has that kinda money!), and I was reading quite a load of those bull **** critiques also. Me and my buddies decided that art today has gone to the dogs in respect to what you were saying, because it seems the majority of artists are just doing sketches and saying stuff about the "art" reflecting their inner struggles and desires for a better society when in reality they were drawing an apple and spilled coffee on the sketch pad.


Exactly. I've got an older mate in Arts school and he hates it because the only way to get good marks is to write long things about your 'inner struggles,' whereas people that just genuinely like art get bad marks because they're just drawing a portrait or a landscape or whatever, and it doesn't have 'special meaning'.

Anyway, trying to start the game...

Inside Rockinsk8r's posts lies the perpetuating grief of deceit, yet the youthful strength of violence shines through with bright depth and ingenuity. If one is to look deeper and with great insight, it is possible to view the simplicity of life, as wine is inside a casket and as apples lie on a tree. Quick to judge the methods of stratification, Rockinsk8r sympathises without treading on the submissive nature of assessing sociology through an art form.
#8
i tried, oh how i tried, but i couldn't make sense of any of that
Pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the f***ing car.
I love pulp...
Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair...

I will find this girl.

#10
Quote by NearDissent
*doesn't continue the game*

The simple, direct nature of your post evokes a feeling of despair, pain, anger, loneliness and a loss of identity. It relays a feeling of mystery and intrigue as there is no individual growth in this particular post. The artist draws the viewer's eye to the cryptic sentence by making the background dark and plain and making the foreground bright and contrasting.
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#11
So this is the "Honest Assessment of the User Above You" thread for smart people?
XIAOXI
#12
What could be confused by the untrained eye as confirmation of a deep-rooted contempt or otherwise angst-ridden demeanor towards the shortcomings of the poster's dark and misunderstood education, is in full actuality a largely omniscent, stunning take on those previous versings that have come into question, deceptively of course, by the writer himself to show the intellectual and meticulous reader that there is a sharp lack in a set, defined purpose or an elaborate interlocking meaning that connects any one thing to the next to such an extent that even the most minute and trivial readings lose their antecedency amongst the jaded, wall-flowered, and sorrowful world in which we continually pick and pull apart in some vague brash and futile attempt to create a logical sense of belonging.


one sentence.
c-c-c-ombo breaker.
#13
Quote by afortuneinlies
What could be confused by the untrained eye as confirmation of a deep-rooted contempt or otherwise angst-ridden demeanor towards the shortcomings of the poster's dark and misunderstood education, is in full actuality a largely omniscent, stunning take on those previous versings that have come into question, deceptively of course, by the writer himself to show the intellectual and meticulous reader that there is a sharp lack in a set, defined purpose or an elaborate interlocking meaning that connects any one thing to the next to such an extent that even the most minute and trivial readings lose their antecedency amongst the jaded, wall-flowered, and sorrowful world in which we continually pick and pull apart in some vague brash and futile attempt to create a logical sense of belonging.


one sentence.
c-c-c-ombo breaker.


Even you can't possibly understand what the hell you just said.

Still, I applaud your amazing talent at writing enormous sentences.
XIAOXI
#14
I think your profile page is very nice, the text colours and stuff are good (and SURPRISINGLY similar to mine). The background reminds me of christmas, which I so sorely miss.
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#15
Honestly, that critique isn't that bad. He's not using long words for the sake of it, just giving a good description that's above the level of GCSE kids, which is nice for a change. I'm sick of opening the culture section of the paper and seeing morons who can barely string a sentence together trying to give their opinion on art.
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#16
Quote by Kensai
I think your profile page is very nice, the text colours and stuff are good (and SURPRISINGLY similar to mine). The background reminds me of christmas, which I so sorely miss.


Why, thank you! I like yours too. It's very, um, grey. :p But at least it doesn't blind me.

I've become indifferent to Christmas. Every year I get excited about being excited, but then it finally comes, and I feel nothing.

Quote by esther_mouse
Honestly, that critique isn't that bad. He's not using long words for the sake of it, just giving a good description that's above the level of GCSE kids, which is nice for a change. I'm sick of opening the culture section of the paper and seeing morons who can barely string a sentence together trying to give their opinion on art.


The culture section of our paper is pretty dodge, and full of reders complaining about being made to stand on public transport.
XIAOXI
Last edited by Abunai X at Mar 21, 2009,