#1
Chorus
You can not see what they have not seen
You can not hear what they have not heard
You can not feel what they have not felt
You can not think what they have not thought

Verse 1:
I can not think on my own anymore.
These words i speak are not my own.
This world still has slave trading
And our people are faking
Disregard for the human life
We could change it if we try
You know it in your heart
That's why i'm saying

Chorus

Verse 2:
This ominous path we walk
But the code we will unlock
They don't want you to rebel
So we should give our last farewell

(fill)

Chorus

Verse 3/Bridge :

Make a difference in your life
Cut through the lies
Entertain us with your mind
Cause the government is blind

Chorus

Outro

Wake up
To the lies
They feed us
Have a difference

So what'sha think?
This is like my third song that i have written. It sounds good with the rest of the band.
Also looking for some harsh criticism.
, Thanks
#2
Ok, well in a word I say "eh." But I could say worse.
First thing, the chorus is not my thing. I'm not real big on stanzas like that where its the same idea but with two or three words changed. Keep it if you like, but I reccommend some re-arranging.
Next, you need to be a bit clearer on what you're trying to get across with this song. At first I thought it was about slaves (not literally slaves of course but you see what I mean) then I thought it was just a "screwe the government" kind of deal.
Then you introduced this "you" whom I have no idea about. Is the you a person?President?Gov't in general? But that all comes back to get your idea across more effectively.

Overall, it needs some work but can be salvaged. And I'm sorry about tearing it apart...None of my friends let me crit their stories in English class because of it
Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1091320
Pot
Kettle
Black
#3
Thanks dude!

Yeah the chorus is the same idea over and over again. my band actually likes the chorus, but i will probably think it over, or let them decide .

As for clarity, then you're absolutely right. Reading it all through i get a little confused.
English isn't my first language so its a little hard to get the message through.
Probably going to change somethings in the first verse.
Any ideas to change that "you" ?

Anyways, thanks a lot this is really helpful.
#4
Quote by Quidra
Chorus
You can not see what they have not seen
You can not hear what they have not heard
You can not feel what they have not felt
You can not think what they have not thought
Hmm as a chorus, this is supposed to be the catchy part of the song. Although a lot of the catchiness would come fromt he melody, I must say this didn't really strike me as too catchy. However, I think it could work, just perhaps as a different part of the song.

Verse 1:
I can not think on my own anymore.
These words i speak are not my own.
This world still has slave trading
And our people are faking
Disregard for the human life
We could change it if we try
You know it in your heart
That's why i'm saying
Repetition of "my own" wasn't too good, I'd try to rephrase it. The rest of it was decent. I liked the message, I liked the content and I think it's good. But I think that you need to try to figure out a different way of saying it, as at the moment you're just saying it straight, with not much imagery. If you describe the horrors of slave trading, for example, people are far more likely to notice it and react to it, then if you just say that slave trading exists, know what I mean?

Chorus

Verse 2:
This ominous path we walk
But the code we will unlock
They don't want you to rebel
So we should give our last farewell
The half-rhyme of the last two lines felt forced and I didn't like. The first two lines were a little ambiguous, but as a whole this was decent.

(fill)

Chorus

Verse 3/Bridge :

Make a difference in your life
Cut through the lies
Entertain us with your mind
Cause the government is blind
Again, the content was good, but the rhyming felt horribly forced.

Chorus

Outro

Wake up
To the lies
They feed us
Have a difference
I don't quite understand "have a difference", not sure what that means. As a whole, this was quite decent, a good first draft. But I think you need to employ more colofourful, powerful imagery and descriptions, if you want people to really notice and respond to your song. Otherwise, it'll just go in one ear and out the other.

So what'sha think?
This is like my third song that i have written. It sounds good with the rest of the band.
Also looking for some harsh criticism.
, Thanks


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654

if you could just take a quick look.