#1
this is my first attempt at writing lyrics..
wood like sum feedback but dont be too brutal...like i sed first time ever!!


im running round aimless,
trying to be famous,
but i cant see.

all the things behind me,
trying hard to find me,
on their knees.

as the sun goes down,
they all start to frown,
as day turns to night.

it goes down so fast,
and it begins to cast,
the darkest shadows from the brightest light.

all of those people that i double-crossed,
will never find me becouse im not lost.

so what are you thinking?
what the hell you drinking?
im at the bar.

you dont have to shout,
but i aint drinking nowt,
cos ive got my car.

im bored out my bains now,
i dont understand how,
you can sleep.

music is still pumping,
people are still jumping,
you must of counted sheep.

shall we go outside cos you look quite hot,
you think your special but your clearly not.
yeah i still love you but not the way i did,
im nearly twenty n your still a kid.


.....any feed back please but again..
its not a master piece its my first time..dont be too cruel!
Last edited by hedphuq at Mar 21, 2009,
#2
keep working on it man.
I'd say that your main problem is that you need to give more description into what you (or the narrator, etc..) are seeing and thinking about. The best way to do this would probably be lengthier stanzas unless this particular song is meant to have sparse vocal accompaniment.
Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1091320
Pot
Kettle
Black
#3
First time writing? I'll take a look.

im running round aimless,
trying to be famous,
but i cant see.


Decent rhyme, but overall, very mediocre as a whole in content.

all the things behind me,
trying hard to find me,
on their knees.


The twin "me" lines killed me.

as the sun goes down,
they all start to frown,
as day turns to night.


Even worse than the "me" lines was the down and frown combo. I'm sorry, but I feel like this is a bit forced.

it goes down so fast,
and it begins to cast,
the darkest shadows from the brightest light.


This was actually a pretty good line, and I liked that the last line was so much longer than the rest.

all of those people that i double-crossed,
will never find me becouse im not lost.


I just didn't like this, because it really...well...didn't make sense. The rhyme was also rather cheezy.

so what are you thinking?
what the hell you drinking?
im at the bar.


What does this have to do with the rest of the song?

you dont have to shout,
but i aint drinking nowt,
cos ive got my car.


Eh...I don't know whether you meant to add the "t" to "now" so that it rhymed with "shout," but please...don't ever do it again. Ever. And the rhyme about the car was just painful.

im bored out my bains now,
i dont understand how,
you can sleep.


The mispelling of brains was a bit of an annoyance, and the rest is just random and doesn't fit at all.

music is still pumping,
people are still jumping,
you must of counted sheep.


Firstly, it's must have counted sheep. Secondly, this entire song is deteriorating into what appears to me as...well...nonsense.

shall we go outside cos you look quite hot,
you think your special but your clearly not.
yeah i still love you but not the way i did,
im nearly twenty n your still a kid.


I'm not going to even bother pointing out all of the grammatical errors, but this was marginally better than the stanzas preceding it. Overall, still rather shabby though.


If I can give you any simple advice, I recommend spell-checking this, because I find it rather hard to read. However, I'm a Grammar Nazi, so it's just old habits brought to the surface. Decent writing overall for your first try, I'd say, although it does seem like you forced most of it. I'd suggest that you looked it over and ask yourself if it made sense next time, because it all felt rather jumbled. But anyways, good effort.

If you do crits, I've got a song in my sig.
#4
I'm not going to give a big critique of this because what's-his-name above already did a good job.
First off, don't post your pieces with a title like that; it's against the rules. If you don't have a title, just call it 'Untitled'.

Actually, all I can say is I thought this was very cute. And I mean that both in a patronizing and complimentary way. It was bluntly honest, with an interesting twist of insanity towards the subject - which actually had plenty of oddness in itself. I effectively saw you in an instance, and that is the crux of writing: helping the reader see the writer.