#1
Coffee shops make me apprehensive.
Haute-couture high rises surrounding the Starbucks
Haughty high-minded types, sipping latees
Talking about the latest poetic stylings
Personally, were I a starving artist
I'd certainly reconsider five dollars for coffee
Or selling my soul to berets and beatnicks
Being a part of the culture cult is just
Too damn expensive.

But there's an Angel on Wickenden St
Light surrounds her crazy gaze
And though she speaks, and no one listens
She somehow makes ends meet

There's a devil out on the East Side
Under the Angell St. Bridge
Waiting for wanderers on the evening breeze
With white teeth hiding a rock-hard heart

I'm a sinner on the streets of Providence
Praying for a penance, from the things that i've done
The pipers outside the coffeeshop stop
Look
Listen on the wind for the sound of the bells
Stop
Look at me
They see me for what I am, and I am real to them
A crowd of people
Sinners
Beggars
Liars
whores
Posing as saints
Bankers
Lawyers
Lovers..
We're all looking to be more
We're all looking to be

We're all apprehensive in the daylight
There's nothing to hide, then
Nowhere to store pieces of ourselves
Everyone loves the good night.
Last edited by Phoebus at Mar 21, 2009,
#2
Having just critted (and greatly criticised) your other piece, I was completely blown away by this. Good work!
#3
I agree. I've sorta been reading your stuff and liking it, but I always wondered if there was more. And it turns out, there is. This was brilliant. Only one thing I'm curious about. Is this a song or poem? Because it really could be either.
#4
Wow, I really wasn't expecting something this good when I clicked on the link. This song blows your other one away, and the brilliant thing is, this would make a great song, and yet it still has a large aspect of poetry in it.

Seriously though, good work on this.
#5
thanks. as i said, i'm getting back into writing after a long time away from it...and the only way to get the rust off is to throw a few back and blast away.

thanks, all of you..... all crits are getting returned as we speak.

--jay
#7
I like it because it's very open. Very clear and honest. You're not afraid of being cheesy or "not serious" and that makes it not cheesy at all, but excellent.

...ugh. If you can understand what I just said, your're doing better than I am right now.
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is ten times better than your other one...

I hate saying that, but wth!?


I have different motives when i write different pieces. the last one i had a set structure in my head, a set feel for the piece as a song. this one, much less. this was an amalgamation of experiences, more of a stream of consciousness write than the last.

just proving my point that you have to write the rust off. lol.

--jay
#10
This is one amazing song. It lacks a "normal" structure, but because of the way it's written, It doesnt need one. You should really put it to some music and record it.
Cheers.
#11
Great song man i especially liked the part at the end where you said " Sinners beggars liars *****s" and than gave the reciprical(*sp) "Saints bankers lawyers lovers" good use of opposites. if you have a chance please critic mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1088952&highlight=needle
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
#12
Quote by Hesh
I like it because it's very open. Very clear and honest. You're not afraid of being cheesy or "not serious" and that makes it not cheesy at all, but excellent.

...ugh. If you can understand what I just said, your're doing better than I am right now.


That. It's refreshing, really. Everyone likes to dance around words and assonance, but you're straight to the point and conversational. Also, I thought the first stanza was fantastic.