#1
This is a pretty huge song, but it also has pretty huge importance to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can relate to this song. If anyone has questions about what this song is about, I will say it, but it's truly up to your own interpretation. Well, I'm not going to make a speech - read, and enjoy.

Respawn At Last Checkpoint

I saw myself reflected in a mirror
And all of my features distorted
Like wax, my skin melted to join
The time infusion, warped and scattered

Recollections flutter past my ear
They whisper of moments long past
Yet the nostalgia is still thick in my throat
I regurgitate the memories into the air

I had wanted to rewrite the past
And in doing so, etch my mark on the future
My one true love was the sole focus
And of chances ignored, left to rot away

Night is when it had begun
My fatal mistake (as always)
The coward glancing off of my eyes (a split second)
I am hesitation at its best (or worst)

Whichever you prefer
Oh, how I wish you might prefer

My meanderments have brought this about
Misplaced emotions, wound tight with misled illusions
But now I believe it has fell into place
Sense to be made, which is harder than it sounds

Risking the stability of my soul
For a chance to be reunited with her
My choice should have been clear, and yet
I rejected mercy at the thought of physical pleasure

In this moment as I am being pulled backwards
There's no time to reflect on this decision
My mind is set, to rectify the wrong I wrecked
The cackles echo in the eerie darkness

The theater is dim, maybe just dim enough
A place of recognition for my failure, iconic and unbeknownst
And as I show you to your seat, I think it'll stay that way
Let it stay that way for now

Perhaps overconfidence is my weakness
I feel that nothing could go wrong this day
And even if it does, I'll turn at quarter past
To respawn at my last checkpoint

But as failure after failure screams past
Impatience overcomes rational thought
I'm full of rot and poetry, rotten poetry
Don't forget lust, I think these are tears

Tears drip down such a smooth and beautiful face
Mingling with sweat and our passive picked poison
A static has settled over my ears
What joy is this?

Shallow breathing and our eyes remain shut
I'll show you just what I am made of
The animal passions, the vicious contractions
I think she wants more, I think she wants it

Once the deed is complete we flee
Our reactions artificially slowed (the blurring headlights too late a warning)
Last thoughts as life flashes before my lies
Lies that break a body (what broken bodies)

What a shame
I've tossed away
What love I had left
All for this unholy lust

And I can't turn back
This watch has broken at last
The gears teeth have ground to dust
Let me crumble with them

I've spent all this time on false hope
Fire burns and courses through my veins
The blood heats, boils, rises
It dissapates through my pores

The reality has hit me head on
Harder than any car ever could

A coma relapse for my thoughts
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 21, 2009,
#2
I don't have it in me at the moment to give this a proper crit, but let me just say this for now: This looks fucking promising man!
#3
I really enjoyed this.

However, i didn't like the use of 'dirty deed'. It just seems overused, but i guess it's hard to find another phrase for it.

Seems like there should be a comma after 'Like wax' in the first stanza. Just flows better.

Plus, the last stanza, flows like 3 lines long instead of the 4 you have laid out. Feels like it should be:
'The reality has hit me head on
Harder than any car ever could
a coma relapse for my thoughts'
Maybe just write it like this or expand. Could be just the way i have read it.

Otherwise, really good piece.
It's gonna be a blue day
#4
To perry589, I agree with what you said, and I made the neccessary changes. I typed it a bit quick, so that might be why I had a few errors punctuation-wise. Thanks!

And Michal, thanks for that boost.
#5
i greatly enjoyed the song. i especially like the line "I regurgitate the memories into the air" what a great metaphor for talking "-''
If i say im lying am i telling the truth?
Shawn Lane Rest In Peace!
Rip Dimbag
and sadly Rip Roger "Syd" Barrett gone but not forgotten
and more so recently Brad Delp
Quote by last_biscuit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
#6
Yay. I was worried after reading your first one, but this is much better. However, I am going to murder this soon.
#7
To be honest, this never pulled me in. By the time I was half-way through, I had no idea what was going on and didn't care enough to go back and figure it out. I did, because I owe you... but the damage was already done. The writing here may be better than your previous one... but it still lacks content or a way to engage the reader. It drones on and on... and your 4 line structure didn't help. This whole thing felt monotonous. You never developed a tone, or a narrational voice beyond just a "word word word word" I needed "WORD word word word" If you get what I mean. This needed up and down, this needed ebb and flow. This needs emotion.

This just didn't feel heartfelt to me, because the way you expressed it was so round about, and seemed so uncomfortable to write in. Do you always talk like this? Do you always use words like "meanderments" or phrases like "to rectify the wrong i wrecked"? If not, why use them here? Sure... they sound more 'poetic' but in the end, they are hindering YOU from expressing YOURSELF and YOUR thoughts. You are bending over backwards to sound poetic... when really poetry is just a style of writing which caters to someone spilling themselves out. Don't write like you think poetry should be... write like you. When you do, your tone will follow... as will a more believable emotion and a much more enjoyable read.



-zC
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
To be honest, this never pulled me in. By the time I was half-way through, I had no idea what was going on and didn't care enough to go back and figure it out. I did, because I owe you... but the damage was already done. The writing here may be better than your previous one... but it still lacks content or a way to engage the reader. It drones on and on... and your 4 line structure didn't help. This whole thing felt monotonous. You never developed a tone, or a narrational voice beyond just a "word word word word" I needed "WORD word word word" If you get what I mean. This needed up and down, this needed ebb and flow. This needs emotion.

This just didn't feel heartfelt to me, because the way you expressed it was so round about, and seemed so uncomfortable to write in. Do you always talk like this? Do you always use words like "meanderments" or phrases like "to rectify the wrong i wrecked"? If not, why use them here? Sure... they sound more 'poetic' but in the end, they are hindering YOU from expressing YOURSELF and YOUR thoughts. You are bending over backwards to sound poetic... when really poetry is just a style of writing which caters to someone spilling themselves out. Don't write like you think poetry should be... write like you. When you do, your tone will follow... as will a more believable emotion and a much more enjoyable read.



-zC


Thanks for the crit. To be honest, I don't always talk like this, but I almost always write like this, or at least similar to this.

It really is a bit funny that you mentioned that this seems round about, though, since that's the theme of it. I'm a bit sad that you said that it didn't seem heartfelt, but hey, opinions are opinions. The truth is, it was meant to be heartfelt, but reflective, more or less. To outline it, the first two stanzas are a bit of a prologue, the third is a reflection, the fourth and fifth are deeper, more personal reflection, and the fifth, sixth and seventh are justification. It could even be split into two songs at right about this point, except that the two parts are so closely related that it seemed an injustice not to keep them together.

After that, the main character is restating what has happened already, as if in narrative. That's why it's probably rather different from the first seven stanzas. The next six describe the events that happened - as you probably guessed, about how he went back in time. And the last five are horror at what has happened. Yes, eighteen stanzas is a bit much, but I sort of got lost in the writing of it. I was pouring myself into this, and sort of dazing off simultaneously.

To put it in simple terms, it's about how what you want isn't always best for you...and how it can really bite you in the ass. I gave a crit to your piece about the grand canyon and the kid, but I still think that while it's good, the Irish one was genius.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 25, 2009,
#9
Quote by punkforlife93
This is a pretty huge song, but it also has pretty huge importance to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can relate to this song. If anyone has questions about what this song is about, I will say it, but it's truly up to your own interpretation. Well, I'm not going to make a speech - read, and enjoy.

Respawn At Last Checkpoint

I saw myself reflected in a mirror
And all of my features distorted
Like wax, my skin melted to join
The time infusion, warped and scattered

Recollections flutter past my ear
They whisper of moments long past
Yet the nostalgia is still thick in my throat
I regurgitate the memories into the air

Great stanza. Really. Are you satirizing the modern culture? Or is it just me, reading the slightly sardonic "regurgitate?"

I had wanted to rewrite the past
And in doing so, etch my mark on the future
My one true love was the sole focus
And of chances ignored, left to rot away

Good too.

Night is when it had begun
My fatal mistake (as always)
The coward glancing off of my eyes (a split second)
I am hesitation at its best (or worst)
??? Confusing.

Whichever you prefer
Oh, how I wish you might prefer

LOVE this line a lot.

My meanderments have brought this about
Misplaced emotions, wound tight with misled illusions
But now I believe it has fell into place
Sense to be made, which is harder than it sounds
Meh.

Risking the stability of my soul
For a chance to be reunited with her
My choice should have been clear, and yet
I rejected mercy at the thought of physical pleasure
Pretty good verse, but the last line seems to be contradictory to the other part, where it seems that this love of yours is more than just sex, after all, risking one's soul is some pretty heavy ****. Unless you try to show the indecisiveness and fickle nature of man.

In this moment as I am being pulled backwards
There's no time to reflect on this decision
My mind is set, to rectify the wrong I wrecked
The cackles echo in the eerie darkness

The theater is dim, maybe just dim enough
A place of recognition for my failure, iconic and unbeknownst
And as I show you to your seat, I think it'll stay that way
Let it stay that way for now

Perhaps overconfidence is my weakness
But before you seem not to be confident...
I feel that nothing could go wrong this day
And even if it does, I'll turn at quarter past
To respawn at my last checkpoint
I like it. A lot.

But as failure after failure screams past
Impatience overcomes rational thought
I'm full of rot and poetry, rotten poetry
Don't forget lust, I think these are tears

Tears drip down such a smooth and beautiful face
Mingling with sweat and our passive picked poison
A static has settled over my ears
What joy is this?

Shallow breathing and our eyes remain shut
I'll show you just what I am made of
The animal passions, the vicious contractions
I think she wants more, I think she wants it

Once the deed is complete we flee
Our reactions artificially slowed (the blurring headlights too late a warning)
Last thoughts as life flashes before my lies
Lies that break a body (what broken bodies)

What a shame
I've tossed away
What love I had left
All for this unholy lust
Ahhh! You explain what I asked before. Good for you!

And I can't turn back
This watch has broken at last
The gears teeth have ground to dust
Let me crumble with them

I've spent all this time on false hope
Fire burns and courses through my veins
The blood heats, boils, rises
It dissapates through my pores

The reality has hit me head on
Harder than any car ever could

A coma relapse for my thoughts


Pretty good. The content is great, and with the exception of a few strong and well chosen lines, this song is not that strongly and powerfully worded. It seems more subtle...and if that's your goal, good job. I also think you should mention "respawning at last checkpoint" again at the end. Maybe mentioning how respawning is never the same or whatever....
EDIT: Also, in a song, the words should be normal ones. Those are good words in poetry, but if you are going to make a song-- unless it's personal and just for you-- it should be more conversational.
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 26, 2009,
#10
maybe its the fact that that iwas up till 5 last night, or something,

but this bored me terribly first time through.
it definately has its moments you capture some really thoughts in there.
but your expressive word usage, if you will, got me just a tad bit lost.
really, i blame me, but it wasn't as visual as your words feigned.

i think its rather good though, it definately is that.
but its just a lttile rough. its like chocolate pudding that still has some powder mix in it.

keep stirring man!