#1
--
force the quilt to the centre and
steady the pillar.
it's Samson's strength that
pushes the fists against our circus tent.
the loving hand just guides him there.

what's the point in painting smiles for upside down children?
I'm a junky clown, not an artist.
and I know poisoning myself to sleep each night
is not what God would want;
he wants me to wake up; he wants me to do something with my life:

cut my hair, commit suicide,
fall in love with a she-devil...
anything besides sleeping in for
a final time.


Digitally Clean



On the spot. I feel like I enjoy my stuff more that way. It's not an excuses for crap material.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 23, 2009,
#2
I liked this, moreso than most of your stuff. I like the Samson idea in the first verse in particular. I don't like the title, though. "Dramatical" is a fugly word.

and I know poisoning myself to sleep each night
is not what God would want;
he wants me to wake up; he wants me to do something with my life:

That's too easy for you, Dan. And it doesn't bring your typical tone across. It's just there to keep the story moving along.

what's the point in painting smiles for upside children?

Upside children? As in, higher class? That didn't come off very well.

Sorry that I haven't much to say. Hope I helped some.
#3
Good. I didn't really like the way the second stanza was introduced, though. The first line was upfront and long which, combined with all of the pauses made it feel weird. Those first too lines are just a bit meh, but the flow comes back again after.

It didn't make me have an epiphanien moment about God, but it was good to read.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
--
force the quilt to the centre and
steady the pillar.
it's Samson's strength that
pushes the fists against our circus tent.
the loving hand just guides him there.
This was quite an interesting intro. From this alone, I couldn't really tell what this was about, but I liked it nonetheless. Particularly the last two lines, it was good.

what's the point in painting smiles for upside children?
I'm a junky clown, not an artist.
This was good, I liked it.
and I know poisoning myself to sleep each night
is not what God would want;
he wants me to wake up; he wants me to do something with my life:
This was also quite good, but I felt that it needs more imagery, and not just the straightforward explanation that it is. Just my opinion, I prefer it when pieces use a lot of imagery and colourful language.

cut my hair, commit suicide,
fall in love with a she-devil...
anything besides sleeping in for
a final time.
I loved the ending. It made the piece feel very complete and very full, even though it was quite short. I really like this, man, I really do, I just think it's lacking some colourful metaphors here and there. But it's undeniably good already.


Digitally Clean



On the spot. I feel like I enjoy my stuff more that way. It's not an excuses for crap material.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19088654

#6
It's interesting that people are on the fence about this - even the author. The theme of the poem, by my reading, is the purposelessness of a wasted life. Sampson certainly didn't make all the right decisions in life.. a lot of what he did bit him in the ass later. At the same time he did have the strength to get out of bed and attempt to make something of his life. 'Anything besides sleeping in' kind of gives that sense of "anything is better than nothing". Which is why it's funny that the author is undecided. You've gotten yourself out of bed (presumably) to write a poem, and now you're trying to really determine whether it was better than nothing or not? Uncertainty of purpose in life itself seems to speak to the theme of this poem.
#7
i haven't commented in a long time, Dan.
but this was more than adequate enough to provoke such an action.
when i have more time, i'll find my way back here.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
is "upside children" supposed to be "upside down children"?|

I enjoyed this Dan. It had the right mix of personality and connectability (i don't even think that's a word). But anyway, I did enjoy this quite a lot. I really like where you're at with your writings atm
#9
'Dramatical' is icky. I will come back to this.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
Back. This has a lot of content kind of.. compressed. I want to feel you but you're snuggling too hard with your words. This took me a few reads. It's still very good, and you shouldn't change it. Just keep in mind for later.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
hi dan. utter nonscence, just kidding. In truth that was fantastic and the best thing ive read of yours allthough i have not read alot of your stuff yet. Me and jon laughed alot but it had an appealing honesty mixed with sadness too.
#13
I liked the first stanza, but I think it had no place in this,
just didn't fit

The rest is good, but not great,
I can see what you're saying, but not really getting into it
The last stanza had nothing for me, just a jumble of lines,
honestly, I think you can do better than this
#14
This was both much more pungent and refreshing than most of your stuff... but at the same time it feels unloved and uncared for.

The first stanza was the refreshing part; and I felt it really hit home without requiring me to dig deep into your tone and presentation to find enjoyment. Your content really resonated there; which has sort of been lacking to me in your pieces of late (and why I haven't commented on them).

From there, it went down hill. You became clumsy and lose with your content; requiring effort beyond most readers to draw a connection, because you simply have a content to word ratio that is so high, we can't unpack it. I felt stifled by the sheer number of different ways this was pulling me; and at the same time smothered by the sheer volume of what you were throwing at me. I needed space. Not filler; but actual space. Present the ideas less compact (I can't believe I'm suggesting that); but I just feel like you have it all wound so tight, that only your mind can really juggle it all. I'm on my 5th read and still feel liek I'm missing something.

I'd love to read a version of this where you revise it; and give it some breathing room. I think it could be phenomenal.

"story" in my sig if you want. I owe you a lot though, so don't worry if you don't feel like it.