#1
where are you going for the weekend?
to costa rica? paradise?
heaven? or some way
to reap the fruits of your toil?
Is that why you
curl around your notebook in
search of something
worth passion?

you could disassemble
an old mans logic. break down
common walls around your
common head,
in search for a gods-eye view.
If you could see that,
what would you do?

Laura leaned over and gave me a kiss,
and i felt the neurons in my head
fire off their pistons like morse code.
it was Darwins way of saying
how romantic she was.
i wouldn't know why.
We sat on the porch in the
cool air of the summer night
and listened to the crickets
rub their bows. in a form of
communication that
went deeper than what they knew.

it was gods way of saying
"hello"
#2
This might be my favourite thing from you. I'll be back.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
That was one of the most thought provoking pieces I've read in a while. Truly genius. Every word meant something and I saw no filler what-so-ever. In all seriousness it brought out many emotions which is something I think a piece needs to do to be great, not just fancy words and tricks. I believe this something a lot of writers can relate to and have a deeper connection to as we are always trying to understand everything that is around us to make sure we don't miss anything. Sometimes we realize we are trying to do too much and it overwhelms us when we sit back and realize the simpler things. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and I honestly cannot give you a critique other than maybe try arranging the sentence structures differently and see if it flows better. Peace. c4c??
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1091571
#4
Ooooo. I love you for this idea.

First stanza flows a bit oddly, but it's well-masked by the killer last stanza. Killer.
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I'm still mulling over this. It comes right up to the edge of being over-poetic, but doesn't go over as far as I can see.
"went deeper than what they knew"
I didn't much like this line. I can't exactly explain why, which I know is singularly unhelpful. I think it reminds me too much of my own writing (but, whatever).
... in other words, I'm sorry I don't have much to say. Know that I'll be looking at this a lot over the next couple of days.
#7
I've been reading you for ages and this is the first time i've really been blown away by anything you wrote.
#9
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
where are you going for the weekend?
to costa rica? paradise?
heaven? or some way
to reap the fruits of your toil?
Is that why you
curl around your notebook in
search of something
worth passion?


The part in red there, the line breaks really chopped it down and broke the running ideas you had going. The choppiness made your delivery soft and made this hard to read.

you could disassemble
an old mans logic. break down
common walls around your
common head,
in search for a gods-eye view.
If you could see that,
what would you do?

in search of. It sits better and doesn't add the hard sonics of the word "for" which has a very strong position in the sentence. Let "search of" sit there and soften out the line so when read aloud it doesn't over-power the play on words with "god's eye".

Laura leaned over and gave me a kiss,
and i felt the neurons in my head
fire off their pistons like morse code.
it was Darwins way of saying
how romantic she was.
i wouldn't know why.
We sat on the porch in the
cool air of the summer night
and listened to the crickets
rub their bows. in a form of
communication that
went deeper than what they knew.

This was good. I wish you would have stopped here though; the next part may relate back to god's eye... but it implied here, or could be added above the last line. I love this last line as a last line. And the add on made me wince.

it was gods way of saying
"hello"



Good. I'm not with everyone else though, this didn't hit as hard as some of your others for me. I guess I just like your writing when you are angry, and you really stretch out your feelings. This was subtle, and pretty... but it didn't feel like you were as into it as you are when you are writing about something that is more "Real" to you.
#10
where are you going for the weekend?
to costa rica? paradise?
heaven? or some way
some way?
to reap the fruits of your toil?
Don't like this image, hard to explain why. mabye just because reaping instantly makes you think of grain and takes you away from costa rica and fruit
Is that why you
curl around your notebook in
search of something
worth passion?
don't see the reason for these tight line breaks

you could disassemble
an old mans logic. break down
common walls around your
common head,
in search for a gods-eye view.
If you could see that,
what would you do?

Laura leaned over and gave me a kiss,
and i felt the neurons in my head
fire off their pistons like morse code.
pistons made this a bizarre steam-powered image that i liked, juxtaposed against neurons
it was Darwins way of saying
feels like he's only here because you bring god in later - we're all 21st century people, darwin's not worth mentioning
how romantic she was.
i wouldn't know why.
We sat on the porch in the
cool air of the summer night
and listened to the crickets
rub their bows. in a form of
communication that
went deeper than what they knew.
more dodgy line breaks, if you ask me

it was gods way of saying
"hello"

don't see why this should be in a new stanza, artificial emphasis
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