#1
1/internal rhyme + alliteration^2 = flow. enjoi. c4c. ots. etc.

vitruvian man
my hands bloomed,
each finger burst with well-meaning
petals soon laid around a bloodless bedroom.
and i placed the last rose in a glass case,
and she scoffed and said,
"don't go all beauty and the beast on me."
and i laughed and shuffled my feet,
"just to be clear, you're the beast."
oh and i was a planet then,
and she was my orbit,
spinning dizzily around my heart.
blistering white and georgia stars,
hung like glistening night in the middle of the afternoon.
"don't propose yet, it's too soon."
she smoked from a crumpled pack of cigarettes
on the first day, and i watched each branch of smoke
carry the the good times away.
"i'll be adam, and you eve, and we'll cover our shameful
bodies with perfect leaves, and the fruit we taste
will be sweeter than sweet and rot out my guts
and i will be a coward for your love,
and i will shiver and shake, each night
that i don't know whose hands punctuate
the gaps in yours, but you'll be mine completely
even though i may never really know it."
and that was before my black teeth
withered hands and dirty feet,
before my dead spit and swollen tongue,
before my body ached with all i'd done.
and i'm swirling in traffic tailwinds
pulled like a cyclone in judy garland's kansas,
and i'm so sick of sucking on tailpipes,
i'm exhausted. i'm exhausted.

hand carved vitruvian arcs and scars,
eve was an improvement on poor adam's parts
but, i will be your perfect man. i will be your perfect man.
#3
Please WotW this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
This feels so pretentious to me. Idk. The whole 'oh and i was a planet then' thing...
I just felt it was to self-absorbed. The language is quite stunning, it just didn't feel real to me though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
I'll be back.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I agree with Snowblind. The language is fantastic, I don't question that at all, but it just felt a tad self-important and "look how big I am" kind of thing. Which is peculiar, because towards the end the tone seems to completely contradict this.
#7
of course its self-absorbed, no one has ever wallowed in a rational and objective manner.
seriously though, the planet lines are supposed to describe a state of mind, he's giant when he's in love and feels needed, and he shrinks to a coward in the middle of the street when he realizes he's not. if you don't like it, i won't argue, but i just want to try and make sure the right message is conveyed. thanks for all comments, good or bad, i'm just glad to be getting any at all. although i must say, i'm kind of disappointed that there has not been a single har at what i must say is my most favorite pun i've ever come up with. anyway, thanks everyone, drop a link if you'd like a return comment or something.
#8
Could you leave a comment on "love" in my sig? Really interested in hearing your thoughts
#9
I didn't get that the guy 'shrunk to a coward' at all. He still seemed like a bit of a twat at the end of it to be honest, that's just the tone, the images were incredible.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Oh gosh this is delicious. Flow is fucking right.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
Quote by NGD1313
of course its self-absorbed, no one has ever wallowed in a rational and objective manner.
seriously though, the planet lines are supposed to describe a state of mind, he's giant when he's in love and feels needed, and he shrinks to a coward in the middle of the street when he realizes he's not. if you don't like it, i won't argue, but i just want to try and make sure the right message is conveyed. thanks for all comments, good or bad, i'm just glad to be getting any at all. although i must say, i'm kind of disappointed that there has not been a single har at what i must say is my most favorite pun i've ever come up with. anyway, thanks everyone, drop a link if you'd like a return comment or something.


lol, was the pun the exhausted thing? I chuckled in my head at that (I assume that was the pun O_O).
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
I chuckled at it, though i missed it the first read through. It's so lame that it's funny.
#13
I think this is fantastically written


I keep reading it (much like the Rodgers and Hammerstein piece) and I keep getting more and more out of it. I love the desperation by the end and how it holds on. Great great work.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Mar 23, 2009,