#1
out where nobody goes
where rust and gold flood the drains of an overflowing planet
that can't hold itself together
might as well be
as colorblind as the fish in the sea
we are
adjusting our eyes the same way to everything
dinosaurs used to walk this land
and Midas snapped his hands
the sands lifted into the sky
just like today with a glow that blinds
as it envelopes you just right
blonde hair falling to you're shoulders
as you push it back from you're face
us
floating on driftwood
stolen from a past
of fate and open gates to kingdoms and riches. And yet we become
statues as one, sinking below the surface
drifting underwater towards an edge of glistening florescence
the sun sifting through the current
glancing off of castles and spires
the static standings of a metropolis
drowned below the fireflies and meteorites
glancing off the clouds like dynamite
helios running off towards the night
the two of us still wondering
if over that fall
we'll ever see light again.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Mar 22, 2009,
#3
I really liked the beginning, but the piece lost steam as it went on. It was one of those "never ending sentence" kinda things, where there was no ebb and flow from one thought to another. It was just one big thought.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to throw in some puncuation. It would split things up better, such as at the end of line seven, and maybe a couple other spots.

And the hidden message was good. I enjoyed quoting you to find out what it was .
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Mar 24, 2009,
#4
I liked this. I liked the content, I liked what you were trying to say, and I liked the hidden message too.

But the way the whole thing was written seemed a bit... all over the place. The way it was structured just felt really disorganised; perhaps everyone else will disagree, that's just what I thought.
Lines like:

"dinosaurs used to walk this land
and Midas snapped his hands
the sands lifted into the sky"

just felt like you had a great idea and wanted to get it all down really quickly, without putting much thought into how you wanted spaced out, how you want it to sound, you know what I mean?

But I enjoyed it, I really did.

Thanks for taking a look at mine!
#6
thanks everyone. thanks for reading. I feel you guys on the erraticness of it. I'll look into cleaning up and punctuating when I get some time. I appreciate yours
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you. Thanks for the crit. I agree that it isn't my best work and was a bit cliche, I will try to take your great advice into account. Now onto this shining piece of work here...
I was in a bit of a down mood when I read this, so this seemed to hit a special chord in me. Nicely done. Um... I noticed a few typos, but those are by far the most useless possible comments, and I see that others mentioned it already I believe. I agree with the others it seemed a bit scattered, but I felt like it almost fit, conveying a feeling of turmoil and being lost. The trick is to convey that feeling without actually losing us. The middle part felt a bit like it didn't fit. Perhaps a different connection between the beginning and the end would help the piece (because the beginning was decent and the end was GREAT). That's really all I have to say. Thanks again for the crit. Peace
#8
I think any meaningful message you're trying to convey in this piece is overshadowed by how many metaphors you attempt to use.

c4c?