#5
The imagery is generally good, though convoluted by a few things. The main thing that sticks out is the switch between present and past tense at a few points. The past tense conveys a sense of recollection or remembering the event which either doesn't fit with the immediacy of the present tense in poem, or is inconsistent with the idea of recalling the event.
Ex. 'The day came again' is in past
'i search through fallen trees' is in present
'sagged and pale flesh' back to past
So if you want to get the sense of remembering the event at a later date, I'd go from past then to present, then stick there. It boosts the sense of immediacy when you move to the present and the memory seems more vivid and also confuses the reader less than going back and forth. It could be as simple as 'The day comes again' and 'sagging and pale flesh'.
#6
it's good to see a post from you, especially this good.
i'll return bearing the gifts of nitpick.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
yuck. very good
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja