#1
c4c, if you leave a link

[CENTER][font="Palatino Linotype"]pale clouds haunt
troubled skies.
no sound but the
click - click - clicking
of weathered stones,
left at mercy to the
sighing wind.

time's stood still
since '86.
spent prayers hang off
rust ridden metal frames,
freezing still the
stares of pebbled eyes.

colour spills into the
Styx, leaves crimson trees
greyer than the sullen ash.
we don't get snow anymore.[/FONT][/CENTER]
#2
I liked this. I thought you did a nice job making a light quick breezy piece with meaning. My only complaint was that I didn't like the way the ending was laid out.
theending like too much of an afterthough. Some simple rewording might make it more impactful and less forced sounding?

I'm unsure about it on the whole right now but I did enjoy this. If you want to read something, I have one in my sig but I realize this is a ****ty comment that doesn't deserve much.

I'm having some interest in your potential
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
FInally, something showing promise. Going on how much better you are getting, I can't wait to read your stuff. This made me forget you were fifteen, there was a hint of maturity here that really helped this a lot
#4
Quote by michal23

[CENTER][font="Palatino Linotype"]pale clouds haunt
troubled skies.
no sound but the
click - click - clicking
of weathered stones,
left at mercy to the
sighing wind.

time's stood still
since '86.
spent prayers hang off
rust ridden metal frames,
freezing still the
stares of pebbled eyes.

colour spills into the
Styx, leaves crimson trees
greyer than the sullen ash.
we don't get snow anymore.[/FONT][/CENTER]


I'll admit, I wasn't familiar with the Pripyat name, but as soon as I realized it was Chernobyl, this all worked gloriously. I adore the singular use of anthropomorphism in each line, giving a touch of humanity to an otherwise object-laden stanza. It works particularly well in the last line, to make it seem like there is still life there, waiting to resurface.

Excellent work, sir.
#5
Quote by michal23
c4c, if you leave a link

[CENTER][font="Palatino Linotype"][U]pale[/U] clouds haunt
[U]troubled[/U] skies.
no sound but the
click - click - clicking
[B]I think repeating the "click" thing is unnecessary. I know what you mean from just one word. [/B]
of [U]weathered[/U] stones,
left at mercy to the
[U]sighing[/U] wind.

time's stood still
since '86.
[B](/quick look at profile) You weren't alive in 1986. I would set this date to at least after 1993. Just adds more of a genuine feel.[/B]
[U]spent[/U] prayers hang off
[U]rust ridden metal [/U] frames,
freezing [U]still[/U] the
stares of [U]pebbled[/U] eyes.

colour spills into the
Styx, leaves [U]crimson[/U] trees
greyer than the [U]sullen[/U] ash.
we don't get snow anymore.
[B]This was a graceful ending. I like the Styx reference especially[/B]
[/FONT][/CENTER]


This was not bad, but not one of my favorite pieces by you either. IMO, you used way too many adjectives (I underlined every one that I saw, but I may have missed some). I don't need all that. Contrary to what English teachers say, you don't have to cram adjectives and descriptions in front of every noun. This leads to a repetitive feel, and makes your writing seem somewhat immature (which is especially frustrating when I know you can do better). Content-wise, it's nice. It creates a very strong image, but doesn't go anywhere with it. Nor does it come from anywhere. But it is very strong
Link's the top one in signature if you care to return. I wasn't trying to be harsh, just honest.
#6
I'm just bookmarking this for now. I've been very busy sorting out too many things, mate. I can't remember your name, either. I've been crap for that here, so don't take offence.
#7
This shows that you really do have serious talent. Being able to lay back and entirely rely on your abilities, to write something quick and accomplished, is something that takes either years of practise - gradually progressing in confidence - or is just a natural gift that you have. Seeing as you are so young, I'm more in favour of this being the latter.

Like Jimmi said, some of the lines did seem a little forced, but with a topic like this, it's hard to avoid that, and I think you did a valiant job of it, overall.
#8
You ignored me with the adverbs
I think they're the only thing holding this back from being very enjoyable indeed.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I really really liked this once I realized it was about Chernobyl. I knew the name Pripyat from somewhere, and then I remembered. He said '86 because the meltdown happened in 1986, not his birthdate. Was the click-click-clicking supposed to be like a Geiger counter? If so, very clever. If not, I don't get it... "Rust ridden metal" seemed a little too wordy, possibly the repetition of the r sounds sorta makes this a bit awkward to say aloud. I dunno. "Pebbled eyes" was a strange image for me, it didn't seem to communicate anything to me. I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be. I absolutely loved the last stanza. Nothing to say about that one except "... wow" Good stuff. Could you crit Doppelganger Rose in my sig? Keep up the great work!