#1
Okay, so I generally get nervous when recieving criticism, but that's something I have to get over, especially if I'm gonna go where I'm going in life.

Here's part of a song I'm working on, it's not yet titled or finished. It's acoustic and sounds pretty awesome played, I'm proud of it, simple as it is. Well, have at it =]


Spending all this time on the tracks
Which one is right and which one leads back
To when everything made perfect sense

Time has passed, but I don't change
Am I the only one that stays the same?
I stay the same

This isn't what I wanted
This isn't what I thought
Leaving for a while
And finding I was lost
Growing so far from home
The place that I knew most
This isn't what I wanted
I didn't mean to let you go
"It's called a lance...hello..."

Songs
----------------------
[highlight][thread="1093413"]Now, I'm not naming names here...(Rachel)[/thread]

[thread="1093413"]-Currently Untitled-[/thread][/highlight]

Crit? Comment? Suggestion? Yeaaaah =]
Last edited by tikifish at Mar 24, 2009,
#2
I think this is awesome, the rhyming doesn't feel forced, and what I think is probably the chorus is awesome too. Although in the first two lines It would probably be better to use isn't instead of wasn't, seeing as wasn't is in past tense and isn't is present, just like the rest of the chorus. I also think becoming seems a little out of place, maybe you could change it to something else?

C4C : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1092463
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#3
Quote by tikifish

Spending all this time on the tracks
Which one is right and which one leads back
To when everything made perfect sense

Time has passed, but I don't change
Am I the only one that stays the same?
I stay the same

Simple is right, but that's okay if it's your intent. I like the sound of these lines, especially with the three line setup and a pause to follow.

This wasn't what I wanted
This wasn't what I thought
Leaving for a while
And finding I was lost
Becoming so far from home
The place that I knew most
This wasn't what I wanted
I didn't mean to let you go

I'll agree with Twili here, "Becoming" is a bit awkward here. I'd consider changing this to action, such as "running so far" or something similar (but not that, it's cliche).



All in all, a modest start, take it somewhere, water it and grow it.
#4
Simple can be good,
but simple & good is different from simple & generic

Right now I'd say it's about borderline, so it just needs a bit of a push to get over the the good side

Maybe try doing what I do,
just sit down wherever and write and write and write everything you can think of, then scratch out all the crap stuff, and put what you got left all together

I'd say if you could add on a few lines and a little more specificity to the song, it'd be pretty damn good
#5
Quote by King Twili
I think this is awesome, the rhyming doesn't feel forced, and what I think is probably the chorus is awesome too. Although in the first two lines It would probably be better to use isn't instead of wasn't, seeing as wasn't is in past tense and isn't is present, just like the rest of the chorus. I also think becoming seems a little out of place, maybe you could change it to something else?

C4C : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1092463

Haha wow. I'm so glad you mentioned that. I'm embarassed I even made that mistake, but corrections are what I'm here for
"It's called a lance...hello..."

Songs
----------------------
[highlight][thread="1093413"]Now, I'm not naming names here...(Rachel)[/thread]

[thread="1093413"]-Currently Untitled-[/thread][/highlight]

Crit? Comment? Suggestion? Yeaaaah =]