#1
This started out as a piece about watching an opportunity with an amazing girl slip away, but slowly transformed into a piece about letting good things in general slip away. Written on the spot, so it's pretty rough. I have a rhythm in my head that works for the song (it's very strange and changes a fair amount throughout), so it may seem really weird in spots, but I've got it figured out for the most part. Of course don't let that stop you from critting unnecessarily strange flow and such. Hope you enjoy it. C4C.

There was time in the beginning
To be leisurely about you, it seemed,
But that illusion disappeared,
Revealed by the tick marks in the wall.

These days are not the long story they pretend.
They are a wisp, vapors on a wavering wind.

At first we had years but they quickly waned to months.
Those months gave way to days, and here we are...
With minutes 'til the window's closed
I've only time for one last breath of fresh air.

My chance has passed, you and the summer breeze
Have moved on, beyond my reach

I cannot see through this frosted glass
December's mist is clouding my view (of you).
At least I can remember, how could I forget
[instrumental break I think?]

Perhaps June might show her face
Sooner than this past year.
I'm running out of space, counting out the days
On the wall. The ceiling's out of reach.

There is time now to ponder, wonder, and squander,
Making a short story long.
Perhaps I'll finish it when summer comes around.
But I'll just close the book for now.
#2
quick thoughts

Quote by theoneandonlyq


There was time in the beginning
To be leisurely about you, it seemed,
eh the "it seemed" felt entirely tacked on. I hear you with the rhythm and all that but I think you might want to change this.
But that illusion disappeared,
Revealed by the tick marks in the wall.
now what was revealed here? that the illusion wasn't real? It's a little unclear.

These days are not the long story they pretend.
They are a wisp, vapors on a wavering wind.
I like this

At first we had years but they quickly waned to months.
Those months gave way to days, and here we are...
With minutes 'til the window's closed
I've only time for one last breath of fresh air.
this was pretty straightforward. Not beautiful or anything but it gets the job done. No major complaints

My chance has passed, you and the summer breeze
Have moved on, beyond my reach

I cannot see through this frosted glass
December's mist is clouding my view (of you).
At least I can remember, how could I forget
In a way I almost like the mixed up sense I got from the last line but the last line seemed kind of clumsy still. and the parenthesis were kind of offputting on paper

Perhaps June might show her face
Sooner than this past year.
I'm running out of space, counting out the days
On the wall. The ceiling's out of reach.
I like this idea but the cielings out of reach sounded forced.

There is time now to ponder, wonder, and squander,
Making a short story long.
Perhaps I'll finish it when summer comes around.
But I'll just close the book for now.
Very solid ending


overall, not bad. I think you brushed on cliche at times and some of you're thoughts seemed forced but with some brushing up, this would be pretty decent lyrics. In the future, utilizing language more to make it more interesting could be a good step beyond just saying things straight up.
hope this helps

if you don't mind a quick thought, at least a bump on this, that would be appreciated

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1092183
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me