#1
Hello, I have never really been good at writing lyrics. Everything I try just sounds bad to me. But I figure I will put something out there just so I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully get better. So I really appreciate any criticism and help that is offered

I guess this is a story of a content man who falls in love on sight with a woman who is somewhat sad and depressed, but he can't bring himself to speak to her and it ends in tragedy. Ok. Here goes nothing. Thanks.


It's eight o' clock; the sky is grey
She grabs her raincoat, just in case
It's eight o' clock and the sky is blue
He grabs his glasses; kicks off his shoes

They meet by chance at a train station
Her purse is void, he pays her ration
The ride is quick, with little conversation
But he can't help but feel a slight relation

It's afternoon, the sky is dreary
She's bagging food and is feeling weary
He's in the market; buying produce
He sees her beauty; his heart breaks loose

He walks the street, it's getting late
She's at the station, but she must wait
She catches his eye; he tries to speak
But his thoughts constrict. He is too weak

It's late at night on his patio
She's walking home, and all alone
He summons his courage and says hello
She pauses for a moment, but then runs home

He hears a loud schreech, next a loud bang
He runs full force towards where it rang
The driver was drunk; he swerved and he hit
She's lying on the ground, motionless and stiff

There's a pool of blood right where she fell
He sees her face, a modest angel
Her expression is calm and lacking fright
Her skin is pale and contrasts the night

A siren beckons aways away
He takes one last look at her empty gaze
Never before has he felt this pain
A cloud rolls in; it begins to rain
#2
I don't think this is really song material, but definitely a decent poem.

They meet by chance at a train station
Her purse is void, he pays her ration
The ride is quick, with little conversation
But he can't help but feel a slight relation

I didn't like this stanza though, it felt forced and the rhyme of Station and ration threw me off big time.
and some of the other stanzas had extra words that took up syllables and made it a mouthful to say; is, but etc. etc.
I'm FAT!
#3
I agree with tatatotfolife. I good poem, but would be difficult for me at least to convert to music. Especially because of the length. I do really like it though. Some of the rhymes do seem forced, to me rhyming is over-rated. There were some rhymes that were great like dreary and weary, pain and rain-- but patio and hello are pretty strained. Thx 4 sharing.
Shag