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#1
The below is a monologue I had to do for English. If anyone could just read it over quickly, that would be great.

Thanks

I went to school, got a job. Now I'm waiting for death. Money comes in, I buy food and rent. I live to function. I'm walking along paved roads, endless highways tainted with jail-like condos and endless concrete, the fruit of a greedy nation. I see people with smiles, and I am jealous. I see the sun, bleeding onto a patch of ivy, pushing it up the wall. I relate to the Ivy; I miss the purpose of life, I just keep climbing because I can, only to rot, to feed the dirt so many spit on. I guess I'm a narcotic. I do my doctor rounds, each telling me I have depression, then they hand me the max they can legally do. Sleeping pills.

I prefer my dreams to my reality. Lucid imagery to the monotonous life. I see myself picking bits of black rose from me teeth. Images of me walking

Those pills kill me everyday, but at least I live. Waking up and allowing my lethargic mind to drag me around society's route. That's dieing.

The small talk. Meaningless sound to fill up the silence. I just see the fancy suits. I go to the bar, see everyone playing fancy dress. Like me, doing the jobs they hate to fill their void with nice clothes, a nice car, and to drink away their pain. All the meaningless ****s. I suppose part of me is afraid to get close to people, because I'm afraid they'll leave. Being numb is better then the pain.

I try to see purpose, I try to see a meaning, but I can't. I feel the absence, and I try to believe, but I can't just change my mind. I read newspapers, watch the news. See the evil of the human spirit. Of course it's all irrelevant in the long run, but nothing could have designed such a world.

Tl.DR: BAWWWWWWW
Last edited by Tom-sawyer at Mar 24, 2009,
#4
Could you post a Tl;DR, plz?
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#5
Quote by titsmcgee852
Could you post a Tl;DR, plz?


Life sucks, there's no point


But that makes it sound emo.
#9
Quote by Oroborous
Life sucks, there's no point

Life only sucks if you make it suck.
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#10
Quote by titsmcgee852
Life only sucks if you make it suck.


I think it's more Life only sucks if you let it suck
#11
Enjoyed it.
Quote by Ez0ph
That was a different Feb08er that threatened to suck you off
I remember that


Sadly, I was the threatened.
Quote by Firenze


Let it be known that I concur with everything this gentleman says, ever.



www.myspace.com/tarsusmusic
#12
Quote by Oroborous
I think it's more Life only sucks if you let it suck

Yeah, that. God-dammit I'm slow today.
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#13
agreed.
So, the point of this thread was for us to read your speech?
"I see myself picking bits of black rose from me teeth"
I think you mean "my " teeth.
Using "me" is just bogan-ish.
#15
Quote by kingaussie
agreed.
So, the point of this thread was for us to read your speech?
"I see myself picking bits of black rose from me teeth"
I think you mean "my " teeth.
Using "me" is just bogan-ish.


The character is retarded.

Thank you very much. The point is for you guys to critique/insult it so I can better it for my silly grade thing.
#17
Quote by whalepudding
I loved the bit with the ivy.

Me too. Pretty brilliant.
Quote by Ez0ph
That was a different Feb08er that threatened to suck you off
I remember that


Sadly, I was the threatened.
Quote by Firenze


Let it be known that I concur with everything this gentleman says, ever.



www.myspace.com/tarsusmusic
#18
Trite and uninspiring.

Although, I do enjoy cynicism and pessimism writing... the problem is everyone wants to write the next fight club rant or be the next Vonnegut. Only, without the poignancy.

And, as much as I like a good "the world sucks rant" ... It's easy to go with that crap. "no point" "everyone is worthless" "playing the game"


well then **** you... you lose imo lol.


School, got a job, waiting for death? whose fault is that? yours... plenty of others are going to chool, getting a job and then looking forward to a bright future.

If Mandela can spend a life time in prison and then come out and change the world with a smile on his face, then the rest of us should be ashamed when a bill collector calls or some other unfortunate first world problem encroaches our sheltered little lives.

taking too many pills? then man up and stop... if you needed them you wouldn't be crying about doctors giving them to you. Can't recall ever hearing about "diabetic... doctors prescribing insulin as much as they're allowed."

I could go on to dissect each sentence but you get the idea...

The writing isn't bad imo, the subject and abrupt jagged style is... well, it's just tired.

Cas-
#21
Quote by casualty01
Trite and overplayed.

Although, I do enjoy cynicism and pessimism writing... the problem is everyone wants to write the next fight club rant or be the next Vonnegut. Only, without the poignancy.

And, as much as I like a good "the world sucks rant" ... It's easy to go with that crap. "no point" "everyone is worthless" "playing the game"


well then **** you... you lose imo lol.


School, got a job, waiting for death? whose fault is that? yours... plenty of others are going to chool, getting a job and then looking forward to a bright future.

If Mandela can spend a life time in prison and then come out and change the world with a smile on his face, then the rest of us should be ashamed when a bill collector calls or some other unfortunate first world problem encroaches our sheltered little lives.

taking too many pills? then man up and stop... if you needed them you wouldn't be crying about doctors giving them to you. Can't recall ever hearing about "diabetic... doctors prescribing insulin as much as they're allowed."

I could go on to dissect each sentence but you get the idea...

The writing isn't bad imo, the subject and abrupt jagged style is... well, it's just tired.

Cas-

I know I did

TS, is this true or made up?
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#22
Quote by titsmcgee852
I know I did

TS, is this true or made up?


Made up. Just exaggerated my bad days.

If you guys have any critique that would really help, this is due tomorrow:P
#23
Quote by Tom-sawyer
Made up. Just exaggerated my bad days.

If you guys have any critique that would really help, this is due tomorrow:P


oh ok, well if it's just made up by exaggerating the bad days and simply tapping into that feeling that we all get while not actually being that dude that thrives on this sort of existence, than I'd venture to say it's quite good.

Really.

As I was reading I was thinking to myself, this is kind of good actually... and if it led to a further story centering around such a depressing asshole, I think I'd be compelled to read.

Admittedly enough, I was torn by my own appreciation for the cynical penning of those that excel at it and my dire dislike for anyone that actually lives by it as a whole. If you know what I mean.

But either way... I'm not a writer so I won't be so bold as to critique your actual style as far as form/construct/prose/blah blah bull****.... but as a reader, I did generally like the way you wrote as well as got angry at it.

And hey... aren't those two good things as far as a writer is concerned? lol

Cas-
#24
how in the hell are you going to motivate a character to justify that kind of a monologue...

no seriously, how? im curious how you did it.

but overall, you change subjects way too quickly imo. the monologue moves too quickly and covers too much material. monologues need to be precise and have a focus.

monologues arent about about fleshing out the plot, its about fleshing out character.
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
-Modest Mouse, "Novocaine Stain"
#25
Quote by NoLaurelTree000
how in the hell are you going to motivate a character to justify that kind of a monologue...

no seriously, how? im curious how you did it.

but overall, you change subjects way too quickly imo. the monologue moves too quickly and covers too much material. monologues need to be precise and have a focus.

monologues arent about about fleshing out the plot, its about fleshing out character.



motivate a character to justify that monologue? what I got from it was that he wasn't exactly motivated. Just going through the paces and hating it.


as far as changing subjects too quickly... does your mind work in a cohesive train of thought that effortlessly moves from one subject to the next with a complete and resolving chain of events?

This monologue is exactly that as far as I see it (A chain of thoughts he might be expressing to someone in a bar that asks ... "so... what do you do? how's your life?" and then he just opens up.)

I know I don't exactly bring each train to a conclusion before I jump to the next in my own sequence of personal thoughts about *subject*


and that bit about fleshing out the plot... well, there is none. It's a monologue. He didn't say "I need to write a monologue that tells the entire history AND direction that the character is headed" he just said monologue. And, tbh, if this were a book wherein the character was going to bring us some place, I would be interested seeing as how he seems to be on such a dark path of existence and the final line, since it's a question, leaves me to believe that the story I'm about to explore may very well answer that question... at least for the author anyways.

Cas-
#26
Quote by casualty01
motivate a character to justify that monologue? what I got from it was that he wasn't exactly motivated. Just going through the paces and hating it.

as far as changing subjects too quickly... does your mind work in a cohesive train of thought that effortlessly moves from one subject to the next with a complete and resolving chain of events?

This monologue is exactly that as far as I see it (A chain of thoughts he might be expressing to someone in a bar that asks ... "so... what do you do? how's your life?" and then he just opens up.)

I know I don't exactly bring each train to a conclusion before I jump to the next in my own sequence of personal thoughts about *subject*


and that bit about fleshing out the plot... well, there is none. It's a monologue. He didn't say "I need to write a monologue that tells the entire history AND direction that the character is headed" he just said monologue. And, tbh, if this were a book wherein the character was going to bring us some place, I would be interested seeing as how he seems to be on such a dark path of existence and the final line, since it's a question, leaves me to believe that the story I'm about to explore may very well answer that question... at least for the author anyways.

Cas-


those are a whole bunch of deep revelations/thoughts in a very short amount of time. if you dump a bunch of thoughts like that so quick, it will feel very forced and scripted if you dont lead up to it enough/properly. you probably need to limit the amount of directions you go in the beginning to give the monologue a focus.

right now, i dont feel like the monologue overall is saying anything. it def evokes a feeling, but now you just need to get the monologue to say something to complement that feeling. i feel like in this monologue, we start in one place, and end up somewhere completely different. which can be cool and all, but i dont feel like there is much of a connection in between.

to TS: i can tell by your writing that you have some talent as a writer. im just making suggestions to help you make your monologue the best that it can be. dont change your play on the basis of any of my suggestions, write your own play as you see fit.
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
-Modest Mouse, "Novocaine Stain"
#27
Cool, I wouldn't change anything about it really except I want to know what the "****s" is.
MaKing thE possiBlE...
...totaLlY impossible
#28
Quote by NoLaurelTree000
those are a whole bunch of deep revelations/thoughts in a very short amount of time. if you dump a bunch of thoughts like that so quick, it will feel very forced and scripted if you dont lead up to it enough/properly. you probably need to limit the amount of directions you go in the beginning to give the monologue a focus.

right now, i dont feel like the monologue overall is saying anything. it def evokes a feeling, but now you just need to get the monologue to say something to complement that feeling. i feel like in this monologue, we start in one place, and end up somewhere completely different. which can be cool and all, but i dont feel like there is much of a connection in between.

to TS: i can tell by your writing that you have some talent as a writer. im just making suggestions to help you make your monologue the best that it can be. dont change your play on the basis of any of my suggestions, write your own play as you see fit.



Ah ok, now I see... Fair enough .

To me it just seemed as if he were disjointed and might not just be a very linear person. Some people are just prone to bouncing... doesn't mean their train of thought should be negated simply because they don't fall within that literary line of "this is good, this is not"

Hell, Naked Lunch is somehow revered for literary greatness of the Beat gen... yet I still can't get past chapter 4 without going... "omg wtf??"

to me, THAT is disjointed. to others it's a walk in the park and "****ing genius bro!" so... to each their own as it's said.

Either way, thanks for answering my questions .

Cas-
#29
How come I always see you posting in the pit these days, cas?
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#30
Quote by titsmcgee852
How come I always see you posting in the pit these days, cas?



um... because I have more available free time and started looking at the forums again? lol


Why? would you like me to go back to not posting for some reason? lol

Cas-
#31
Quote by casualty01
um... because I have more available free time and started looking at the forums again? lol


Why? would you like me to go back to not posting for some reason? lol

Cas-

Nah, well it's just like you seemed like this rumored mystical character and it's strange
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#35
You misspelt dying. Other than that its not bad, I didn't mind reading it.
#38
Quote by Tom-sawyer
The below is a monologue I had to do for English. If anyone could just read it over quickly, that would be great.

Thanks

I went to school, got a job. Now I'm waiting for death. Money comes in, I buy food and rent. I live to function. I'm walking along paved roads, endless highways tainted with jail-like condos and endless concrete, the fruit of a greedy nation. I see people with smiles, and I am jealous. I see the sun, bleeding onto a patch of ivy, pushing it up the wall. I relate to the Ivy; I miss the purpose of life, I just keep climbing because I can, only to rot, to feed the dirt so many spit on. I guess I'm a narcotic. I do my doctor rounds, each telling me I have depression, then they hand me the max they can legally do. Sleeping pills.

I prefer my dreams to my reality. Lucid imagery to the monotonous life. I see myself picking bits of black rose from me teeth. Images of me walking

Those pills kill me everyday, but at least I live. Waking up and allowing my lethargic mind to drag me around society's route. That's dieing.

The small talk. Meaningless sound to fill up the silence. I just see the fancy suits. I go to the bar, see everyone playing fancy dress. Like me, doing the jobs they hate to fill their void with nice clothes, a nice car, and to drink away their pain. All the meaningless ****s. I suppose part of me is afraid to get close to people, because I'm afraid they'll leave. Being numb is better then the pain.

I try to see purpose, I try to see a meaning, but I can't. I feel the absence, and I try to believe, but I can't just change my mind. I read newspapers, watch the news. See the evil of the human spirit. Of course it's all irrelevant in the long run, but nothing could have designed such a world.

Tl.DR: BAWWWWWWW



Really good. You deserve high marks for that man it's great.
#39
i liked it depressing to read because it sounds like the life is a such a waste but it is inspirational to know its not my life, i like the descriptions you give keep writing
IRON MAIDEN
8th Feb 2008, Melbourne, Australia


Quote by SatanicShredder
One time I shat on the floor on janitor appreciation day.

Wasn't even caught.


Certificate in Music Industry 2, 3 & 4
#40
Thanks a lot for critique all who gave.

Got to catch my bus in a bit, but I managed to polish it slightly more.
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