#1
Please excuse my absent punctuation, i just couldnt find it in me to punctuate, might fix it later. Enjoy, as always C4C

If you wanna tell a lie
You better be prepared to die
You go into the depths of darkness
God will try to bless

The unknown serves you damn well right
But security hangs on tight
While you’re desperate to escape
You better smash the tape

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

Fight like there is no tomorrow
You may also bow your head in sorrow
When you are caught red handed
You might as well look where you landed

They do not care much for your love
Even if you fly like a dove
You can try to live and let die
But you won’t be there to say good bye

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

If you ever get out
Will you ever get out?
Your head is your prison
And your brain is the guard

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead
Last edited by RodeoBrunslid at Mar 24, 2009,
#3
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
Please excuse my absent punctuation, i just couldnt find it in me to punctuate, might fix it later. Enjoy, as always C4C

If you wanna tell a lie
You better be prepared to die
You go into the depths of darkness
God will try to bless

hmm, sets the scene pretty good, maybe invert every other line, so it doesnt seem so forced rymes, they flow though

The unknown serves you damn well right
But security hangs on tight
While you’re desperate to escape
You better smash the tape
i dont like the tape there...maybe another word...

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead
im really thinking these rymes are a little too forced, i'd change them

Fight like there is no tomorrow
You may also bow your head in sorrow
When you are caught red handed
You might as well look where you landed

They do not care much for your love
Even if you fly like a dove
You can try to live and let die
But you won’t be there to say good bye
im finding these rymes not that great, poetry doesn thave to ryme every line you know

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

If you ever get out
Will you ever get out?
Your head is your prison
And your brain is the on guard
maybe?

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

all in all, its pretty good, maybe it'll work if it was sung in a song.. i give ya a 7.5/10
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#4
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
Please excuse my absent punctuation, i just couldnt find it in me to punctuate, might fix it later. Enjoy, as always C4C

If you wanna tell a lie
You better be prepared to die
You go into the depths of darkness
God will try to bless

At first I really didn't want to like the last line, but it grew on me.

The unknown serves you damn well right
But security hangs on tight
While you’re desperate to escape
You better smash the tape

AABB is starting to get annoying.

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

And now it really is annoying. Also, the second line here is just crap filler. It's a good chorus, but every line here really needs to count.

Fight like there is no tomorrow
You may also bow your head in sorrow
When you are caught red handed
You might as well look where you landed

They do not care much for your love
Even if you fly like a dove
You can try to live and let die
But you won’t be there to say good bye

This all feels forced.

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead

If you ever get out
Will you ever get out?
Your head is your prison
And your brain is the guard

After all the rhyming, this is a pleasant change.

In the shoes of the hated
It can only be debated
That if you sleep in your bed
You might wake up dead


My main gripe with this is the topic seems torn. Some parts allude to your mind being a trap, and others lead me to believe that other people are what will be your undoing. If that's the intent to have two separate concepts, then I think you should replace the second line of the chorus with something more unifying. If not, then rewrite accordingly.
#5
First off, lose the rhyming,
It's not working here

Second, there are a few lines in there that are just filler, particularly:
"It can only be debated"
and
"
Fight like there is no tomorrow
You may also bow your head in sorrow
When you are caught red handed
You might as well look where you landed

They do not care much for your love
Even if you fly like a dove
You can try to live and let die
But you won’t be there to say good bye"

really, they just slow down the pace of the whole thing

Really, this isn't bad,
you just need to go through and tidy some stuff up,

Try to get a clearer picture of what is going on with the whole piece
#6
As others said, the rhyming does seem a little forced, And imho, the best stanza to use as a chorus would be this one :

If you ever get out
Will you ever get out?
Your head is your prison
And your brain is the guard

It doesn't seem forced, and its definitely the least boring out of all of them. Remember, C4C
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#7
Cheers for all the feedback. Sorry I havent gotten back before now, just been a bit preoccupied. Will start on the crits now guys! Again thanks for all the good advise!