#1
Do you call this life
When you aspire to expire
The sun is something you
Heard of in class once
And the moon is just a face
That you forgot

Do you call this honor
Wrapped up in your TV dreams
Agreeable to keep your
Ego floating
But close-vest secrets
Shared behind locked doors

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies

Is this a family
You're plugged in but not connected
Youngest daughter's got a reputation
Ex-wife's got half of your stuff

Is this society
The Corporations run black ops
To keep us fearing our neighbors
We need a source of saviors here

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies


Tell me what you think....I felt like I was channeling Ani DiFranco and Alanis Morrissette (did I just admit that?) for some odd reason and couldn't turn it off.

C4C, of course. Thanks in advance.
#2
Quote by Fivexfive
Do you call this life
When you aspire to expire
The sun is something you
Heard of in class once
And the moon is just a face
That you forgot
**** man, I won't lie, I loved this intro. The first two lines were a bit average, but the rest of it was awesome.

Do you call this honor
Wrapped up in your TV dreams
Agreeable to keep your
Ego floating
But close-vest secrets
Shared behind locked doors
I liked this too. Perhaps change "shared behind locked doors" to something else, as that just seems to whisper a tiny bit of cliche, but other than that I don't think I have any problems with this either.

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
Meh, these four lines were pretty boring and unoriginal compared to what came before it.
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies
This was better, but still not as good. I'm getting hte impression that oyu had a great idea with the first two stanzas, then didn't quite know where to go from there.

Is this a family
You're plugged in but not connected
Youngest daughter's got a reputation
Ex-wife's got half of your stuff
No complaints. This was really good too!

Is this society
The Corporations run black ops
To keep us fearing our neighbors
We need a source of saviors here
Hmm. This was half-decent, but I think you should be a little less explicit. Although I agree whole-heartedly with the content, the way you say it makes it sound like yet another cliche punk song "**** the corporations, and the government, maaaan", know what I mean? So I'd try rephrasing this.

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies


Overall, I actually really liked this. It has very few bad points, and though you can still improve it, it's pretty solid as it is already.

c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1092576
#4
Do you call this life
When you aspire to expire
The sun is something you
Heard of in class once
And the moon is just a face
That you forgot
Like he said, I love the last 4 lines, the first 2 were good, but left room for improvement (Not much, though)

Do you call this honor
Wrapped up in your TV dreams
Agreeable to keep your
Ego floating
But close-vest secrets
Shared behind locked doors
I'm not really into this stanza. It's an overplayed idea, and the wording wasn't anything I haven't heard

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies
I like the last line here, but the rest of this stanza suffers the same flaw as the previous one

Is this a family
You're plugged in but not connected
Youngest daughter's got a reputation
Ex-wife's got half of your stuff
The first line was boring and the second seemed out of place, but the last two lines were GREAT !!

Is this society
The Corporations run black ops
To keep us fearing our neighbors
We need a source of saviors here
Kinda shifted ideas here, but again, both had that "this sounds familiar" feeling to it that I would suggest you try and stay away from

It's all a blur
Then you wind up with empty hands
Looking up to see
The future's been stained with red
There was a time
Full of integrity, sincerity
We're all derailed
And it only took a billion pennies


All in all, I liked this quite a bit,
I was more or less nitpicking about every negative comment, which is always a good thing,
keep it up
#5
Thanks Taylor. You guys are both correct about the chorus bit. I was dabbling in the weeds around then. I didn't even think about the last stanza being punkish, that is a bit at odds with the rest of it.