#1
Who said this would bring me shame?
My heart starts to decay it rots away
relapse and replays of that romance diseased and stained
I never wondered
and I never asked
when I loved you
did you love me back?
While I look for someone
to love me too
I find no one
and I'm still plagued by you

Those things you do to me to make it seem that everything has changed and its gone away

but I know that you lie and it will hurt again this time I see it in your eyes but I still might

cause I'm weakened
I'm diseased
I'm tired of thinking
theirs nothing
you just
rot away my heart but I must
love you
even though it will hurt again this time
I'll still give it a try

NOW!
What’s this all about, where's the love now?!
You just ripped it out and, scattered my heart all around!
Where are the feelings now?
It’s gone away
know were to be found!

I'm so infected by your voice
I'm so unpleased with what I see but inside me I still feel the same things
and it won’t walk away
Go away!
Who said this would bring me shame?
Well they were right

and I wait in the garden with my broken limbs that can never be replaced
I'll just wait and pray for another song to tell me what I did wrong and it wont be long
Intel I realize that every time I try
someone try's and wins
another dies
cause we cant get without taken away
that's the rules to this game
enough to drive you insane

Comeback, just comeback
I want more
even though I'm sore I must have this
I Hate to love you but that's all I have
and you love to hate me
so in this sick and twisted world we live in
we both feel the same things
Last edited by KhaNe1313 at May 5, 2009,
#2
Boy, that was a mouthful....
But that's how I like em, so good deal there

The majority of it is kinda cliched angry love type stuff, kinda unoriginal,
Though I did like the more "interrupted" bits, like "NOW!" and "GO AWAY!"
They made me sorta jump out of the trance of reading through, brought my real attention to the piece....
So I would say try working on bringing that attention getting enthusiasm going throughout the rest, and you've got a pretty decent thing going
#3
Quote by KhaNe1313
who said this would bring me shame?
My heart starts to decay it rots away
relapse and replays of that romance diseased and decayed
I never wondered
and I never asked
when I loved you
did you love me back?
when I look for someone
to love me too
I find no one
and I'm still plagued by you

Good start here. Try to replace one of the decay's in the first two lines.


Those things you do to me to make it seem that everything has changed and its gone away

but I know that you lie and it will hurt again this time I see it in your eyes but I still might

Kinda throw away words here. You're not really telling me anything new.

cause I'm weakened
I'm diseased
I'm tired of thinking
there's nothing
you just
rot away my heart but I must
love you
even though it will hurt again this time
I'll still give it a try

I got a little bit of Seether's "Remedy" riff in my head while reading this. Could be pretty rock-tastic.


NOW!
whats this all about, where's the love now?!
you just ripped it out and, scattered my heart all around!
where's the feelings now?
Its gone away
know were to be found!

I'm so infected by your voice
I'm so unpleased with what I see but inside me I still feel the same things
and it wont walk away
Go away!
who said this would bring me shame?
wel they were right

If parts of this were screamed or the section were vastly contrasting to the rest of the song, this would probably be interesting enough to keep.

and I wait in the garden with my broken limbs that can never be replaced
I'll just wait and pray for another song to tell me what I did wrong and it wont be long in tell I realize that every time I try
someone try's and wins
another dies
cause we cant get without taken away
that's the rules to this game
enough to drive you insane

I think this was the best bit you've got here, you actually brought me to a place in the first two lines....but then it's gone.

Comeback, just comeback
I want more
even though I'm sore I must have this
I Hate to love you but that's all I have
and you love to hate me
so in this sick and twisted world we live in
we both feel the same things


I think Greyeyedfire hit it on the money. Angsty, cliche love rock. I think my main thought is show me more, tell me less. Keep working it!
Last edited by Fivexfive at Mar 24, 2009,