#1

A sea side restaurant to taunt
your hungry eyes with sliced
up pies and piled up chocolate lies
under a neon lit buffet.
The menu read, “Disappointment –
a shared plate for two”, and you
have always been a sap for lady
and the tramp style cuisine.
And so we sat down and across,
while you awkwardly picked me apart;
sucking the sauce, pulling the strings,
from kidney to heart,
gracefully wrinkling your nose
when all you could taste was tart.
Then with puppy eyes you looked past
what was us; licked the plate,
sucked the bones –
you smiled.
It was all you wanted,
all along.



This is not a pipe
#2
Quote by Carmel

A sea side restaurant to taunt
your hungry eyes with sliced
up pies and piled up chocolate lies
under a neon lit buffet.
You're one of the few people on this forum who I feel have completely mastered rhyming. This was amazing.
The menu read, “Disappointment –
a shared plate for two”, and you
have always been a sap for lady
and the tramp style cuisine.
And so we sat down and across,
while you awkwardly picked me apart;
sucking the sauce, pulling the strings,
from kidney to heart,
This line was just...
gracefully wrinkling your nose
when all you could taste was tart.
Then with puppy eyes you looked past
what was us; licked the plate,
sucked the bones –
you smiled.
It was all you wanted,
All along.




I really want to give this a proper critique, but there's nothing to say... this was just flawless. And I mean that sincerely.

#4
Quote by Carmel

A sea side restaurant to taunt
your hungry eyes with sliced
up pies and piled up chocolate lies
under a neon lit buffet.
The menu read, “Disappointment –
a shared plate for two”, and you
have always been a sap for lady
and the tramp style cuisine.





i really like this part.
the rest is ...much to raw, bones and stuff, not my type
oh and you could try replacing that "awkwardly" there, it not really fits
#5
if i've ever said anything bad about your work, I take it all back



This was

beyond words
#6
Very nice imagery,
this paints a beautiful picture in my head and I love it
I'm looking back through right now to find anything I can say to crit it, but believe me,
I'm nitpicking at everything

It gets a little confusing around the middle
From "The menu...." on to the end, it gets a little hard to follow the story, although the idea still gets through just fine,
and that's all that really matters

I'd say the imagery, though beautiful, is just a wee bit.... uh... "tricky" i guess would be the word I'm looking for,
I just get the feeling there's a story behind this,
but I just can't hear the story here

Anyways, like I said, it's great,
I'd be honored to ever write something half as good as this
#7
Perhaps your (canine?) friend should ask for his money back. He was not disappointed. He paid for it, darnit.

Seriously, that was very enjoyable. Nice work.
#8
You have such an admirable sense of flow in just about everything you write. This is no exception.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
Quote by Carmel

A sea side restaurant to taunt
your hungry eyes with sliced
up pies and piled up chocolate lies
The flow on this line was a tad off. I think even adding a comma after "and" would fix it though. That would give me a pause.
under a neon lit buffet.
The menu read, “Disappointment –
a shared plate for two”, and you
have always been a sap for lady
and the tramp style cuisine.
And so we sat down and across,
while you awkwardly picked me apart;
sucking the sauce, pulling the strings,
from kidney to heart,
gracefully wrinkling your nose
when all you could taste was tart.
Then with puppy eyes you looked past
what was us; licked the plate,
sucked the bones –
you smiled.
It was all you wanted,
All along.
Didn't think the last line should have been capitalized.




Very very minor technical things. That's not my complaint about this however. Whenever I read something you've written, it's always like it's coming across to me in a whisper. All the emotion gets muted. This is lovely at first- it's very classy, in a sense. But I'm starting to need some feeling from what you write. It's like a Coldplay song, if you will- it's well crafted in the extreme, the feel of it is there in the words, but I don't feel it. I just think "Oh, she feels betrayed" or what-have-you.
... I hope that all makes sense. The internet is such an inefficient way of communicating.
If I get flamed for this by the regulars or you simply disagree with me, fair enough. Simply my thoughts on how you write.
#10
This was beautiful. I imagined you on the plate, with your flesh being pulled off, your organs exposed and your eyes blankly staring in the air. It was almost hard to read.

I know we say this kind of stuff a lot, but god dammit, this truly was the best I've read from you.

EDIT:
And so we sat down and across,

Something about the word "across" I didn't like. Still, it's minute.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Mar 24, 2009,
#11
i like the compression of time here, really dives into a thin slice of life with great detail. i think i uderstand the ending, but that probably isn't that important, cause i liked the general feel it gave me, as most of your stuff usually does.
#12
This seemed a little different from normal. I mean this in the most complimentary way...
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 25, 2009,
#13
lady and the tramp lovely touching on the story there without over doing it. I'd say it worked. The puppy dog comparison was well played all the way through the tone of the ending.

for some reason I loved this
"And so we sat down and across,
while you awkwardly picked me apart"

very good, efficient writing here. and for good measure
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#14
You can always tell a good piece by how many replies it has I thought this was brilliant and the most honest, perfectly worded piece ive read today. I wont pretend to know all the meanings of the piece but the reader gets a quick grip of your character from line one. I just cant stop reading it, fabulous.
#18
Lovely, Miss Carmel.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#20
congratulations, Mel.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.