#1
c4c


stretch out the god-complex.

grandma once brought me to the
grand canyon.
held my hand as i gazed upon
peace and quiet.
i thought about a game of risk;
flip the table and purge the world of war.

if i create world peace,
and god created the grand canyon...
we should belong together.

i needed to feel the view,
so i threw myself into the gorge
like a dove that cannot fly,
my bones breaking against
gods architecture.
#2
God, I love this idea. I saw it in the freepost thread and I loved it. I didn't like the line-break between world and war, I thought it really broke up the flow. But really, that's my only thing right now. This is awesome.
#3
The line break before grand canyon felt a little weird at first, but it grew on me
Though I feel like grand canyon should be capitalized
Not because of grammar rules, but because it feels like too important a theme to the writing to just be left normal

Also, a few other line breaks felt awkward at first, but most of them have meaning if you go back in look at it, so they're good,
But the one Hesh pointed out, between "world" and "of war" doesn't really seem to fit no matter which way you look at it

Once again, maybe it's just my weird taste, but I feel like god and world peace should both be capitalized as well....
Again, not for grammar but for emphasis
"Belong" doesn't really fit there, I'm feeling like "be" or "go" could work more,
but that's just me

I feel like the word "breaking" in the last stanza could be replaced with a more 'powerful' word....
I'm thinking like "crushing" or something.... Not particularly sure of some examples to give you, but I think you can get the idea of what I mean here....

That last mid-sentence line break there is the only one that fits in perfectly on the first read

Anyways, I was as hard as I could be there,
that really is fantastic stuff
Of all your posts that I have read, this is definitely my favorite,
Hopefully it's only my favorite so far
#4
this is certianly pretty good as it is, but i do have the sense that it be better if added to, revised, or expanded upon, cause for some reason if feel it is missing something, and could be even more grand than it already is. I do like it as it is though.
#5
stretch out the god-complex.

grandma once brought me to the
grand canyon.
held my hand as i gazed upon
peace and quiet.
i thought about a game of risk;
flip the table and purge the world
of war.


I thought that this was interesting. The first line followed by the break seems awkward, but thinking about it in song format, it could definitely work. The line about Risk was seriously nice though.

if i could create world peace,
and god created the grand canyon...
we should belong together.


This bit was a bit meh, to be honest. It could imply that God is dead, which is interesting, but the line about world peace seems a bit out of place.

i needed to feel the view,
so i threw myself into the gorge
like a dove that cannot fly,
my bones breaking against
gods architecture.


Now THIS was better. Definitely a good way to end it. Very good flow, and very eerie and vivid as well. You could really invision a kid jumping and the bones breaking, a sickening sort of crunch...you made it work, definitely.

For some reason, after reading it, I thought of a kid paralyzed from the waist down wheeling himself in a wheelchair off of the cliff, just to feel the miracle of not being attached to it. I don't know exactly why, but if you inspire that imagery, then you're doing something right.

Overall, I liked your other piece way more, but this one was still pretty great.
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


stretch out the god-complex.

grandma once brought me to the
grand canyon.
Adds a personal touch. Are you a little kid in this poem?
held my hand as i gazed upon
peace and quiet.
i thought about a game of risk;
flip the table and purge the world
of war.
Very nice.
if i could create world peace,
and god created the grand canyon...
we should belong together.
This seems like childish naivete... supporting the innocent view of the world and the black and white, good versus evil, face value approach that children have to the world.
i needed to feel the view,
so i threw myself into the gorge
like a dove that cannot fly,
my bones breaking against
gods architecture.
This kind of refutes the child's previous thesis. Good


Love it. It's deep. Keep on writing.
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 25, 2009,
#7
This has got to be one of your most brutal pieces - both in recent times and since I've been here - It hacks into your brain-waves and tinkers with them annoyingly, like a 3 year old in a sweet shop. Everything is questioned and illegibly frustrating. I can't find myself anywhere in it, but I can find you bashing everything I say/think/do/imagine/dream with a big hammer... I really, really like it.
Its not a common attribute I find with your work where I have a strong desire to return another day to re-read it - to see what branch of thought my mind has been subconsciously forced down - but this certainly proves that your writing has developed and is continuing to do so very nicely.

You're work plays on the subconscious

which makes you, in my opinion, one of the top writers on UG.
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish


You're work plays on the subconscious

which makes you, in my opinion, one of the top writers on UG.


Wow, sir. Thank you very much. You've made my night. The reason I write, besides just getting out all my random thoughts and exploring them, is to make other people's brains twitch and view things differently. Sometimes, I feel like I never make people think, or at least see from a different view point. But this was a great pick me up.

Everyone else, thanks. Leave me some links, childrens.
#9
I feel there's something much deeper in this, something which lurks but never breaks free, and that's why I love this. I think I might know what that something hiding is, but then again, maybe not.
#10
This was great, man.

Don't change this anymore than you have, because it's great now.

That last stanza just made my day. It was so clever.

I wish I had something to critique about it, but I don't. Excellent job.
#11
I really love the idea. It's a memorable one, and dives somewhere deep without much warning, but in a clean way.

I never critique, so I should probably do that. Some of the line breaks broke the flow for me, here:
grandma once brought me to the
grand canyon.
held my hand as i gazed upon
peace and quiet.


I wouldn't change a thing content-wise. You leave a lot to be explored, and it's best that way. It's mysterious, worded with such clarity and left concise for an emotion much larger and convoluted. It's a peaceful display of sporadic, hectic thought.
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#12
/little bit spammy, but
this has torn a bloody little hole into my brain. Quite literally the most disturbing thing I've read on this forum, and one of the most disturbing ever. And I can't figure out why.
I think it's the little (or big) part of the human brain that's completely bonkers that responds most strongly to the images created here. Gah wow.
wotw. I don't care if you're on the freakin' council.
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c

time to put my critical brain to work. know that this reading of the piece is being done as the piece is being read, and the poem will be read twice at most before this critique is posted so it is very possible I will not connect some of the portions that are meant to be connected. I am particularly reading for overall enjoyment and stylistic choices but questions of content will also be addressed.


stretch out the god-complex.

grandma once brought me to the
grand canyon.
I want a motive here. why did she bring you to the grand canyon? the line break was pretty abrupt as well.
held my hand as i gazed upon
peace and quiet.
would almost like some personification of peace and quiet but that's not really your style. nice two lines that introduce the theme of totality nicely.
i thought about a game of risk;
flip the table and purge the world of war.
you lose me in this transition. this section decontextualizes and throws me out of the Grand Canyon memory into an undefined scene. mix it into the previous imagery somehow or cut it completely. I almost like the transition between peace and quiet and "if I create..." much more than having this section at all. though then you would have a problem with the repitition of peace. oh well, point is, you not only disrupt your established flow that I would like to see continued (long line/two syllable line) but you also move outside of the scope you had set up, confusing me immensly and taking me out of the piece.

if i create world peace,
and god created the grand canyon...
we should belong together.
use puntuation to your advantage, not your detraction. Stanzas tell us to read things together, elipses hinder that by drawing out the second line and, visually and mentally, strip the grouping (stanza) of any urgency. unless thats what you want I suggest you somehow condense/tidy up the first two lines and replace the ellipses with something like a slash. keep the energy high, especially in the turning point of the poem.

i needed to feel the view,
why not just leave it at 'I needed to feel'. the last two words make it passive and wordy (actually, if it would not compromise your poetic mission with this piece I would suggest you switch it all to present tense). the transition still has me confused. again, what is missing is motivation. you've stripped it down so much I don't understand why the characters are doing what they're doing.
so i threw myself into the gorge
again, it is getting more wordy in the lines where you want the impact to be (pun intended). pare this down. I suggest doing this by showing as oppose to telling as up to this point this stanza is just a recollection of what you did (which I guess is intrisic in a past tense narrative) but still.
like a dove that cannot fly,
why can't the dove fly. it's a beautiful idea, but can't be a beautiful image without actual imagery. don't take the reader's imagination for granted.
my bones breaking against
tense shift here and in the last line that I didnt notice makes this much more engaging (plus there now suddenly is action), again, if you could figure out a way to put the whole thing in present it would help the reader greatly.
gods architecture.
nice last two lines, particularly since you returned to the form that you introduced in the first four lines. I suggest you carry that cadence through the whole piece just to give it more of a semblance of control.


well, liked it, didnt love it, didnt see where the grandmother fit in by the end of it or why any characters would do what they did, needed more where there wasnt much and needed less where there was too much.

the story of revision I suppose.

#17
Hello to everyone in the thread, Im still a newcomer in this part of the intarwebz messaging boards systems. Lol.

I just wanted to hop in and say, I will be cogitating on this image all night. It is sticking with me and I cant shake it. I like this style.
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