#1
Please crit this. C4C as always.
Okay, this is a song, if you see something weird with the flow, please bring it to my attention, but in a few places, the flow changes. Also, if you can help me with structure, if this needs help lol, please bring it to my attention. Because I could not for the life of me structure this differently. Thanks!

I have lived my life through all the years
Yet all the memories just bring me tears
Cos all I’ve touched has turned to ash
The reddest blood seeping from the deepest gash
I don’t know how I can cause this pain
But I know I can't see them again
To avoid destruction, to avoid death
I must stick to my cause, until the very end
I don’t do this for me,
But every time I try
To live my life completely
My past returns and once again
Proceeds to defeat me
Every time I’ve tried
To pick up the pieces
I’ve failed in the greatest sense
And lost all that I had

So, have I defeated destiny
Or has it defeated me
Am I a messenger of death
Or just a messenger of me
Have I released my inner self
Am I not who I’ve strived to be
Must I always follow destiny
And never be free

Every place I go
I must hide who I really am
Cos no matter how much they ask
They’d never understand
Nobody really knows me
But I don’t see how they could
I hide myself, not for me
But for society’s good
If I had a way to end this
I most surely would
Cos no-one understands the burden
That I know I have
I hide myself from everyone
With whom I’ve crossed paths
But sooner or later
This beast is going to win
Cos I’m not sure what to believe
Is it worth it to be me
So is it worth it for me to be myself
Alienate myself from everyone else
Is staying true to me my final chance
To escape from Fate’s unforeseeable dance

So, can I defeat destiny
Or will it defeat me
Am I just a messenger of death
Or just a messenger of me
Have I released my inner self
Am I not who I’ve strived to be
Must I always follow destiny
And never be free

And now I face my inner demon
And see what I’ve become
I’m infinitely worse
Than who I thought I was
I have made a grave mistake
I have played into Fate’s hands
I’ve become my own enemy
And wasted my final chance
Once seen the knowledge will not leave
I have fallen victim to my beliefs
Staying true to myself
Was not the proper move
So now I try to convince myself
This is not what I’ve become
Cos now I see that it and me
Have metamorphosed into one
Victory is impossible; my future is now dead
Or did I never have one, was it all in my head

So, I have not defeated destiny
It has defeated me
I am just a messenger of death
And a messenger of me
I have released my inner self
I’m not who I’ve strived to be
I have always followed destiny
And have never been free

It and I are one
I was just fooling myself
It has been released
It strives to destroy everyone else
there is one last thing that I can do
To prevent myself from bursting through the façade I thought I knew
I must end this sorrow I’ve caused; I must end this pain
Or those I love will never see me the same way
I must protect my image, I already knew I had to stay away
And I need their love to light my way
Darkness chases me and blurs my vision
But I know what must be my final decision
I do it and all I see
Is never ending eternity
Peace and happiness ensue
The one thing that I never knew

So, in the end I’ve defeated destiny
It has not defeated me
I am not messenger of death
Just a messenger of me
I released my inner self
I am who I’ve strived to be
I revolted from destiny
And now I am free
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 26, 2009,
#2
Hey dude,
read the rules so you know why this was reported


i'm not a dick.
#4
I can actually relate to this one. The whole idea of internal struggle is really familiar. Are you making this into a song or a poem?

I can't really see anything wrong with it, save for maybe these lines:
To prevent myself from bursting through the façade I thought I knew

That seems a bit long; it doesn't really fit with the rest

I must protect my image, I already knew I must stay away

That also seems a bit long, and the last part seems kinda odd. Since you already said already knew, you should switch must with had to or something like that.
#5
Quote by GrungeJunkie
I can actually relate to this one. The whole idea of internal struggle is really familiar. Are you making this into a song or a poem?

I can't really see anything wrong with it, save for maybe these lines:

That seems a bit long; it doesn't really fit with the rest


That also seems a bit long, and the last part seems kinda odd. Since you already said already knew, you should switch must with had to or something like that.


Thanks a lot. And yeah, it's a song and those two lines wouldn't seem to fit but the flow changes for those two lines.
And I've been working on an album of lyrics. This is the foil for my other guy, who I will post tonight. And the messenger of death is definitely meant to be relatable, but it isn't just a metaphor, the album is also telling a story. But yeah, I definitely intend this to relate to people in a dark way, y'know?
Thanks for the crit

EDIT: And thanks for the must. I changed it. Thanks. PM me your next song/poem and I'll crit it.
And do you think a changing chorus helps or hurts a song. I liked it, but other people might not.
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 26, 2009,
#6
i definatly get this inner struggle thing man. that is something that everyone faces at some point in their life and you related that well. agreeing with a previous poster however make sure the lines flow together if it becomes a song.
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#7
Quote by mamosa
Thanks a lot. And yeah, it's a song and those two lines wouldn't seem to fit but the flow changes for those two lines.
And I've been working on an album of lyrics. This is the foil for my other guy, who I will post tonight. And the messenger of death is definitely meant to be relatable, but it isn't just a metaphor, the album is also telling a story. But yeah, I definitely intend this to relate to people in a dark way, y'know?
Thanks for the crit

EDIT: And thanks for the must. I changed it. Thanks. PM me your next song/poem and I'll crit it.
And do you think a changing chorus helps or hurts a song. I liked it, but other people might not.

I actually like the changing chorus on this one. It all depends on the song, though.
#8
I change chorus in a lot of my work. As long as it has the same feel, I think it's cool. Especially if it relates to the content of the story you are telling in your music.

Strange, I didn't see this piece before I posted mine. You and I think a lot alike in terms of writing as we have both posted some similar works. I dig that.

One suggestion I have is to split the verses up a bit. Add some stops to those long lyrical strings, because with a song that is this long (unless it is FAST), the listener may lose interest.

I suggest finding a good place to make a few measures of vocal rests in the verse to allow for the instrumental feel to help convey the message.

Great song though! It definitely shows the inner struggle, as well as the outside effect.
#9
Good idea! It's a bit longer than I originally planned, but maybe that isn't so bad if I allow some instrumental stuff to shine...