#1
Last "love song" for awhile


Do you have somone?
Are they good to you?
I can't say much
Or try and convince you
The way you left my world
I'm getting sick of it
Your feeling strewn
Let me un-wind you

And can I say?
How much I missed your laugh?
How many day's
Did we try and make something new?
Show me how
I can lift you off your feet
And call me your's
All over again

My heart passes by
I think you know it too
The only heat
Is the one we used to use
So can I hold on?
To the little moments?
Let me bring you down
So i can pick you up

And can I say?
How much I missed your laugh?
How many day's
Did we try and make something new?
Show me how
I can lift you off your feet
And call me your's
All over again

And how did I lose you?
And do you always wonder too?
The day you took off again
So we can see
How this can become
Seeing me without you

And can I say?
How much I missed your laugh?
How many day's
Did we try and make something new?
Show me how
I can lift you off your feet
And call me your's
All over again
#2
And can i say, i didn't really enjoy it. It's good for a radio hit, but i was never really drawn in by it. Maybe because i'm not a fan of love songs and straightforward lyrics, but the use of rhetorical question seems too overbearing on the piece. Everything was just plain. No real techniques like metaphors or similes used.
However, there are a couple of lines i liked, 'You feeling strewn, let me un-wind you'.

Overall, a bit too cliché and straightforward for me.
It's gonna be a blue day
#3
It all seems a bit repetitive to me. There really isn't any prevalent changes in direction from verse to verse, making it appear static as a whole.

The grammar and usage mistakes throw me off, but that isn't a hard fix.

I would suggest using a thesaurus to beef up the vocabulary. More vibrant word choices go a long way in improving the overall appeal of a piece, in my opinion.

Overall, nothing really stood out to me and to be honest I got bored of it after the first 3 stanzas.
Last edited by killsPEACHES at Mar 25, 2009,