#1
I'm not sure about alot of this... particularly the repetitive 'me's...

~~~

Quiet on the set,
I'm about to read my lines,
Could you turn the lights down low?
To shade my shady eyes,
A chaos weapon I can't stop,
but stopping me to breathe,
Pretending comes so easily,
For celebrities like me.

I don't wanna think about,
authenticity,
And I don't want the facts of
a blank reality.
I don't give a damn about,
reciprocity,
And I don't give a damn about
You and me.

Trouble on the set,
I forgot my lines,
Could you bring the house lights up,
To save my straining eyes.
A deadly weapon I can't stop,
but stopping me to breathe,
make believe, oh make believe,
in fantasies like me.

I don't wanna think about,
authenticity,
And I don't want the facts of,
a blank reality.
I don't give a damn about,
reciprocity,
And I don't give a damn about,
what you seem to see.

Now there's trouble backstage,
the crew forgot the script,
but you say the show goes on,
despite the obvious rift.
A deadly weapon I might not stop,
I'd rather stop to breathe.
Society won't stop to see,
a mastermind in me.
Last edited by LexxyThirteen at Mar 25, 2009,
#2
I can see the moment you're describing; I can feel the actor's unhappiness. But I don't much care about him. Still, with the right music, this could work. I hear a kind of "Life in the Fast Lane" (the Eagles) kind of song.

Some nitpicky stuff: I don't like "chaos weapon." What the heck's a chaos weapon? Are we in some sci-fi actor thing with a song sung by an Idoru, or something... um? I don't get it.

I did like the "I can't stop/stopping me... can't stop/stopping me... might not stop/I'd rather stop..." idea, but the execution didn't quite work for me. Part of it is that "stopping me to breathe" doesn't work grammatically. "Stopping to breathe" means that you're taking a break and taking a breath. What you're going for here is "stopping from breathing," but that clearly doesn't work. How about "the breathing stops in me," as an alternative?

Lastly, I strongly suggest you drop the end-of-line punctuation. That, or learn how to use commas. Here's a quick guideline: only use commas in a list or before a conjunction that joins two independent clauses.

That's not a complete rule, but if you follow it you'll be doing better than you did in that poem. You can also use them to set off initial adverbs, like I did twice in the paragraph above, or parenthetical remarks, like the two in this sentence. But don't worry about that stuff until you master the guideline above.

In the meantime, drop end-of-line punctuation in poetry. You don't need it, and if you're using the punctuation incorrectly, then it's distracting and hard to read.

peace
#3
I really did like this,
however, I feel like it could use a bit of rewording every now and then....

Nothing specific, but it just 'feels' like it's not as good as it could be
#4
Quote by Nilchii
I can see the moment you're describing; I can feel the actor's unhappiness. But I don't much care about him. Still, with the right music, this could work. I hear a kind of "Life in the Fast Lane" (the Eagles) kind of song.

Some nitpicky stuff: I don't like "chaos weapon." What the heck's a chaos weapon? Are we in some sci-fi actor thing with a song sung by an Idoru, or something... um? I don't get it.

I did like the "I can't stop/stopping me... can't stop/stopping me... might not stop/I'd rather stop..." idea, but the execution didn't quite work for me. Part of it is that "stopping me to breathe" doesn't work grammatically. "Stopping to breathe" means that you're taking a break and taking a breath. What you're going for here is "stopping from breathing," but that clearly doesn't work. How about "the breathing stops in me," as an alternative?

Lastly, I strongly suggest you drop the end-of-line punctuation. That, or learn how to use commas. Here's a quick guideline: only use commas in a list or before a conjunction that joins two independent clauses.

That's not a complete rule, but if you follow it you'll be doing better than you did in that poem. You can also use them to set off initial adverbs, like I did twice in the paragraph above, or parenthetical remarks, like the two in this sentence. But don't worry about that stuff until you master the guideline above.

In the meantime, drop end-of-line punctuation in poetry. You don't need it, and if you're using the punctuation incorrectly, then it's distracting and hard to read.

peace


Yeah. I get everything you're saying.
Thank you.
I can get an idea down, but it really comes down to UG/Friends to really help bring it together. Thanks again and ill definately reword those parts. (: