#1
Rejection
___________________________________

Well every day I try to make my feelings be known
A rookie move again and the ****'s been blown
Blood is rushing to my cheeks like a lion let loose
Because of your preceeding lie and excuse.

Like getting higher hanging from a thinning thread
A repetitious mistake invites the feeling of dread
The word of mouth will sure spit this all right out
And embarassment will ensue from it without a doubt.

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me insane.

Sick of fiction giving me pretext for a false future
Sick of listening to advice being disguised in lectures
I'm always consistent at being at the back of the line,
My self-esteem is never-ending in flawless decline.

This predicament cannot be misunderstood,
It's just comprehension of the daunted
Well I'm taking the path of feeling sorry
And I'm taking the lead of hopelessness to...

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.

My words only ever write bad ****ing luck
An identical script from my never-ending book
I'm being complacent and she's taking control
This time I won't hide away or play my role
Not gonna be your laughable reject.

All optimism just disappears in time.
Loneliness is starting to call herself mine.
Signed our wedding vows on the dotted line
Surely my misery is a sure bad sign?
Of this rejection, further rejection.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.
Last edited by Adam_Harrison9 at Mar 25, 2009,
#3
Quote by Adam_Harrison9

Well every day I try to make my feelings be known
A rookie move again and the ****'s been blown
A roll of your eyes and and a tilt of your head cues<--The flow seems to go off here
The preceeding cocktail of excuses and lies.
Overall a pretty good start

Like getting higher hanging from a thin thread
A dangerous game the wrong move and it's dead
Right about here I'm starting to feel like you're trying too hard to make it rhyme
Same old stories and the same old cover ups
About how it's everything but my fault.

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me insane.
I get that it's purposeful here, but the repetition seems like it's not really working here

Sick of fiction giving me pretext for a future
Sick of having to listen to another lecture
Always consistent in being back of the line,
My self-esteem is flawless in decline.
This whole stanze feels like you wrote it at gunpoint, too forced, in other words

This predicament cannot be misunderstood,
It's just comprehension of the daunted
Well I'm taking the path of feeling sorry
And I'm taking the lead of hopelessness to...
This whole stanza lacks originality, but at least it doesn't feel forced, so it's a step up

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.

My words only ever write bad ****ing luck
An identical script from my never-ending book
I'm being complacent and she's taking control
This time I won't hide away or play my role
Not gonna be your laughable reject.
Again, generic and forced

All optimism just disappears in time.
Loneliness is starting to call herself mine.
Signed our wedding vows on the dotted line
Surely my misery is a sure bad sign?
Of this rejection, further rejection.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.
This was the best part here


It's not bad, but you gotta clean this up a bit,
it feels like something you wrote for a High School talent show
It may impress a bunch of 15 year olds, but you gotta take apart and put some of yourself into this if you really want to make it good
#4
Yeah my writing's not usually as simple as this, but lately I've been turning to one of the records that I listened to a lot when I was younger (which was Insomniac by Green Day), so I suppose I took a lot of inspiration off that. That being said, I will take your crit into mind. So thanks!

I changed some, dunno what you'll think of the newer version.
Last edited by Adam_Harrison9 at Mar 25, 2009,
#5
Quote by Adam_Harrison9
Rejection
___________________________________

Well every day I try to make my feelings be unnecessary word known
A rookie move again and the ****'s been blown
Blood is rushing to my cheeks like a lion let loose not sure about this simile...seems like you were trying to build a metaphor around the next line. Bad move. ALways go for content over rhymes.
Because of your preceeding misspelled lie and excuse.

Like getting higher hanging from a thinning thread I don't like this at all. Sorry.
A repetitious maybe repeated would be better? mistake invites the feeling of dread
The word of mouth will sure spit this all right out
And embarassment will ensue from it without a doubt.

VERY good

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me insane.

I don't really like the chorus... but at least you get your point across.
Sick of fiction giving me pretext for a false future I think hope would be better
Sick of listening to advice being disguised in lectures Get rid of the "s" and "being"
I'm always consistent at being at the back of the line,
My self-esteem is never-ending in flawless decline.
VERY good finish

This predicament cannot be misunderstood,
It's just comprehension of the daunted
Well I'm taking the path of feeling sorry
And I'm taking the lead of hopelessness to...
Good

This rejection from everything I know.
This rejection from everyone I ever want.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.
???

My words only ever write bad ****ing luck
An identical script from my never-ending book
I'm being complacent and she's taking control
This time I won't hide away or play my role
Not gonna be your laughable reject.

All optimism just disappears in time.
Loneliness is starting to call herself mine.
Signed our wedding vows on the dotted line
Surely my misery is a sure bad sign?
Of this rejection, further rejection.
Rejection and it's driving me to insanity,
And back again.



I like the end a lot, just fix a few things.
A-/B+