#1
Is it the women
or is it just me;
I can't seem
to find that one, anyone
who is good for me

or maybe the women
dreamed up a man
who no one can be
looking for Mr. perfect
but for got what
Mr. perfect should be.

you know his details
the lines he tells
his bodies curves
but who is he?

or could it be;
its only me
just psyching myself out
talking myself out of it
all the women
I want, I don't get
the women I get
just don't seem
to understand

I know her face
how she tastes
I know nothing
of what she needs

everyone is broken though
and I don't see myself
giving them my all,
when they give me
nothing

So give me the card
I'll give you the line

"Its just not what I'm looking for
At least not at the time"
#2
The rhyming feels a bit forced a veces, and the flow just doesn't seem to be there,
but the biggest problem is that there is nothing here that really stands out to me,
This is the kinda song I'll hear on the radio, and I "won't mind" listening to it, but I'll forget about it as soon as it's over....
Overall though, this is pretty nice
#3
Quote by greyeyedfire
The rhyming feels a bit forced a veces, and the flow just doesn't seem to be there,
but the biggest problem is that there is nothing here that really stands out to me,
This is the kinda song I'll hear on the radio, and I "won't mind" listening to it, but I'll forget about it as soon as it's over....
Overall though, this is pretty nice



I concur. And the this isn't original and it lacks flavor. Add your own stamp of creativity to it.
#4
I'm going to give this a proper critique, I'm just bookmarking it now. If I forget please send me a Personal Message to remind me. Cheers.

Just to say I read this once and quite enjoyed it. Your title struck me, particularly.
#5
Thanks guys for trying to help me out. I would crit but no one has really left me anything haha thanks though.
#6
Quote by average day
Is it the women
or is it just me;
I can't seem
to find that one, anyone
who is good for me
When you say, "that one", you take this awesome beginning and heave it into a bracket, containing smelly cheese. The reader is then confined to that bracket for the remainder of the piece. Maybe this could of been simplified entirely: I can't seem to find anyone who is good for me.

or maybe the women
dreamed up a man
who no one can be
looking for Mr. perfect
but for got what
Mr. perfect should be.
This trips over itself completely and definitely needs re-wording. I'm sure you can notice how stuttered and seemingly illogical it sounds - even though it makes rough sense. It continues the theme well so stick with it. Tamper it, and re-structure it totally, if necessary.

you know his details
the lines he tells
his bodies curves
but who is he?

or could it be;
its only me
just psyching myself out
talking myself out of it
all the women
I want, I don't get
the women I get
just don't seem
to understand
This is where I find a strong character to the song/poem. Where the lack of imagery actually helps create an image of distortion and snake-like attributes - particularly those that wrap around your mind.
It also shows how you have stuck to your guns and repeated the same ideas, and utilized tongue-twisters, but with simplistic words, reallly effectively. That combination is very well done. It's not blurry enough that you can't deciphor what you are saying, neither is it overlty blunt that it becomes characterless. It's a very fine line, though, and it could of been improved on, but altering it now could actually do more harm than good.


I know her face
how she tastes
I know nothing
of what she needs

everyone is broken though
and I don't see myself
giving them my all,
when they give me
nothing
It takes on a new, required edge, here. Good use of pace.

So give me the card
I'll give you the line

"Its just not what I'm looking for
At least not at the time"
Once again, the diction and simple, honest tone is really admirable and quite sweet. There is nothing that needs changing here, especially seeing how the balance, as mentioned, is so delicate. But if you decide to make corrections, then make sure you keep with this on-the-spot, drunk style of writing.


When I first read this, I found a lot of "mistakes", but reading it through more times, has shown that those "mistakes" are actually useful; they're aiding and abetting this little criminal of a piece and taking it into a really solid display of writing and emotion.

Cheese was needed there. I very much enjoyed this.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 27, 2009,