#1
Here's a song I wrote last week. I haven't got a title yet, so if maybe somebody knows one, please let me know.


Seems all is dark,
No colours anymore.
The night falls down over me.
I wanna run, but I closed the door.

The sky is green
The sun is shining red
What is this place where I am?
Am I outside? Am I still in bed?

When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream
When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream

I go outside
Feeling slightly confused
Am I still asleep?
Can’t tell what’s the truth

Sun, in the sky
Like a circle in square
As always you were,
Red
But were you?

Am I dreaming my life?
Do I wake up sometimes?
Who am I
When I fly
Through the sky?
Of green?
Or blue?
#3
Quote by IvoW

Seems all is dark,
No colours anymore.
The night falls down over me.
I wanna run, but I closed the door.
I don't really like the last line, it's kind of forced.

The sky is green
The sun is shining red
What is this place where I am?
Am I outside? Am I still in bed?
The use of colors for your descriptions is nice, it makes it more visual

When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream
When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream

I go outside
Feeling slightly confused
Am I still asleep?
Can’t tell what’s the truth
Flows alright, nothing special though

Sun, in the sky
Like a circle in square
As always you were,
Red
But were you?
Great stanza

Am I dreaming my life?
Do I wake up sometimes?
Who am I
When I fly
Through the sky?
Of green?
Or blue?
I like the questions, it makes you think

Overall, I like it. It's not one of my favorite pieces or anything, but it's decent. Just work on it a bit, and legthen it.
C4C?
#4
Quote by IvoW


Seems all is dark,
No colours anymore.
The night falls down over me.
I wanna run, but I closed the door.
Rhyming anymore with door makes it flow a bit. Not a bad start

The sky is green
The sun is shining red
What is this place where I am?
Am I outside? Am I still in bed?
I take it youve said the sky is green to emphasise the confused nature of the song? It works quite well. The questions as well add to the sense of confusion.

When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream
When I wake up, it turns out to be a dream

I go outside
Feeling slightly confused
Am I still asleep?
Can’t tell what’s the truth
This is ok. Nothing too special to mention though.

Sun, in the sky
Like a circle in square
As always you were,
Red
But were you?
The shape imagery is good here. I also like how the word 'red' is on its own in the line. By cutting it short it adds a lot of emphasis.

Am I dreaming my life?
Do I wake up sometimes?
Who am I
When I fly
Through the sky?
Of green?
Or blue?
Again the colour imagery is nice



This song is quite good as it stands I think, maybe you might want to explore why this character feels so confused in the first place? I don't see too much reasoning behind why or how this situation has come about?
#5
Yeah I see your point, but I thought I could intensify the feelings of confusion by leaving the reasoning. You see, the character doesn't really know what's going on, he only sees what's described in the song.
#6
I like how this makes you think about what is going on and you can kind of see what the character is thinking. The only real criticism is first you say the sky is the wrong color (sorry no "u" I'm American =P ) but then you say the sun is the correct color. I know the red/bed rhyme is important so maybe you could change the sun to something else such as grass <.< Would you mind critiquing my untitled? It is linked in my sig
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations
Last edited by stealer42 at Mar 29, 2009,
#7
Well, the only place where the sun is red, is in the Japanese flag, I think. And maybe with dawn.. But I think I see the point. Sure, a red sun is closer to the truth than a green sky. And even if the sun is red, it's still confusing, right?
Anyway, I'll take it into account.