#1
I'm in a hard rock/pop metal band, and I'm beginning to write lyrics for a new song, that happens to be about war, but no so much the gorey, extremely descriptive type of other war songs. I've hit a block in the first part of what probably would be a second verse. Perhaps the first would be about going over, and the second is about being there, maybe the 3rd is coming home or being at home, afterwards. Just thoughts.

Here are some things to consider, should any of you decide to help me with ideas or actual lyrics.

I'm in the Army, on my second deployment to Iraq, both of which I volunteered for. So it can't be about hating it, as I'm willing to go and come back again for a next go round.

I'm not necessarily Pro-War, but I'm very Pro-Peace, in the sense of taking care of business to make it as such.

I'm not sure if there's anything else I should add. I was a big Bush Supporter for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm optimistic that my current Commander-In-Chief will do right by us and the American people.

Here's what I have so far.


Here, I lay under stars
A million miles from home
There, you can't see the scars
Carved into my mind
Where I've been, you'll never know
What I've done, you'll never know



I know it's not much, but it's a start, and that would ideally be half of a verse.

I appreciate any and all serious responses.
Amps
Mesa Dual Recto 3 Ch
Peavey 6505 Combo

Cab
ENGL E212VH Cab

Guitars
Epi Explorer
Schecter Damien 6
Squier Strat (signed by Rob Zombie!)

Pedals
ISP Decimator
Dunlop Crybaby Original
Boss CE-5 Chorus Ensenble
Boss GE-7 Equalizer
Last edited by StillSoundRG at Mar 25, 2009,
#2
Quote by StillSoundRG



Here, I lay under stars
A million miles from home
There, you can't see the scars
Carved into my mind
Where I've been, you'll never know
What I've done, you'll never know



I know it's not much, but it's a start, and that would ideally be half of a verse.

I appreciate any and all serious responses.


Sorry for being blunt, but I HATE the last two lines. It seems like a weak, lazy way to get another line in without thinking hard. They make the same exact point. I think you should continue with the invisible scars idea. Maybe have:

Where I've been, you'll never know
But they've left scars that never show

I don't know, but I really do not like the last two lines. Focus on the invisible scars, that's the meaningful part IMHO.

And again, if this sounded like flaming, I'm genuinely sorry.

EDIT: Somehow fit PTSD into the final verse (if you go with the last verse being home) because that is very deep and personal and fits beautifully with the scars on your mind.
Last edited by mamosa at Mar 25, 2009,
#3
Quote by mamosa


And again, if this sounded like flaming, I'm genuinely sorry.

Not at all. I'd much rather someone to honest and tell me it sucks, then have the lyrics suck and say they're great.

I'll work on the scars idea. Appreciate your feedback.
Amps
Mesa Dual Recto 3 Ch
Peavey 6505 Combo

Cab
ENGL E212VH Cab

Guitars
Epi Explorer
Schecter Damien 6
Squier Strat (signed by Rob Zombie!)

Pedals
ISP Decimator
Dunlop Crybaby Original
Boss CE-5 Chorus Ensenble
Boss GE-7 Equalizer
#4
Quote by StillSoundRG
Not at all. I'd much rather someone to honest and tell me it sucks, then have the lyrics suck and say they're great.

I'll work on the scars idea. Appreciate your feedback.



No problem. But the beginning was good. I just don't like the last line.
ANd will this song be written with you as the main character? In other words, are you the inspiration?
#5
Quote by mamosa

ANd will this song be written with you as the main character? In other words, are you the inspiration?

Yes, all of the lyrics will be actual experiences or thoughts of mine, just needed a little motivation I suppose. Thanks.
Amps
Mesa Dual Recto 3 Ch
Peavey 6505 Combo

Cab
ENGL E212VH Cab

Guitars
Epi Explorer
Schecter Damien 6
Squier Strat (signed by Rob Zombie!)

Pedals
ISP Decimator
Dunlop Crybaby Original
Boss CE-5 Chorus Ensenble
Boss GE-7 Equalizer
#6
I've written a bit more, please critique it.

Verse 1
Pack, my bags

Say goodbye to everything I love

Soon, enough

I'll see steel raining from above

Sand we land in painted red

Fallen Brothers, once by our side

Seed of Freedom's Tree we shed

Shed the tears that we can't hide


Verse 2
Here, I lay under stars

A million miles from home

There, you can't see the scars

Carved into my mind
Amps
Mesa Dual Recto 3 Ch
Peavey 6505 Combo

Cab
ENGL E212VH Cab

Guitars
Epi Explorer
Schecter Damien 6
Squier Strat (signed by Rob Zombie!)

Pedals
ISP Decimator
Dunlop Crybaby Original
Boss CE-5 Chorus Ensenble
Boss GE-7 Equalizer