#1
C4C. This is a song I just kinda came up with to go with a cool riff I came up with, I only spent about five minutes writing it, but I kinda like it. The vocals have a weird kinda rhythm to it, I'm going to upload a guitarpro thing in riff and recording to show how it's supposed to sound (is it allowed for me to link to that? let me know if you know for sure), but, anyways, tell me what you think.

[Verse 1]
I, saw you standing there,
and I swear, and I swear;
I, felt, my heart tear,
then and there, then and there.

So, what, do I do,
do I do, do I do.
What, do I say to you,
say to you, just for you.

[Chorus]
Bows and arrows! (Flyin' every way)
Robins and sparrows! (Rise to greet the day)
Heartfelt feelings! (Die in this environment)
Don't even know! (What I really meant)

[Verse 2]
So where, do I go from here,
go from here, tell me dear;
My urge, is to run from here,
run from here, far from here.

Please, tell, me to stay,
me to stay, let me stay.
Before, I, run far away,
run far away, so far away.

[Chorus]
Bows and arrows! (Flyin' every way)
Robins and sparrows! (Rise to greet the day)
Heartfelt feelings! (Die in this environment)
Don't even know! (What I really meant)

You'd then do an alt chorus, with the guitar "saying" all the parts in parentheses.
So, whatcha think? Be brutal, I gotta know.
Last edited by herby190 at Mar 25, 2009,
#2
out of all of that,
it'd definately need to rely on good music and rhythm.

EXCEPT
for that beastin chorus.
so original, it was like brushing your teeth after a few days.


ya know how that is right?
#3
Bows and arrows! (Flyin' every way)
Robins and sparrows! (Rise to greet the day)
Heartfelt feelings! (Die in this environment)
Don't even know! (What I really meant)

I don't know what you're trying to say in this song either.

You said to be brutal, so here it is.

It's repetitive, cliche, and generally bland. There's really nothing else that needs said.
#4
Well, I'm glad you were honest with what you thought. The song would, as said in the first reply, rely more on the music than anything. It's just a weird riff that I came up with on guitarpro when I was messing around with phygrian scales, and just kinda went from there. I'll link you to it if I ever get it uploaded, and if someone lets me know whether or not that's allowed.
#5
Hey herby190, I get kind of a Chili Peppers vibe off this. In terms of the poetry, it is pretty cliché, but if you're playing in the same lyrical space as Anthony "Tell Me Baby" Kiedis, who gives a crap about that?

I would tend to say lose the commas and parentheses unless you need them for grammatical reasons - you seem to be using them to lay out the production of the song as you hear it in your head, but because punctuation has conventional grammatical uses, it actually just makes your song hard to read.

I don't know the rules about posting links to recordings in the forum, but you can certainly post in your sig, for example - so if you edit your original post in this thread, so that your signature says something like "check out my song robins and sparrows," that's certainly fine.

peace
#6
I think the verses are somewhat bland and generic, but that chorus was sweet man. If you kind of make a point in the verses and then you go to that chorus it'll have a very positive impact, in my opinion at least.
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#7
It was ok, I read it similar to Always by Saliva it was good but it would need a killer riff to make it work I didnt really like the chorus but thats just me if you dont mind criting my newest piece Survival I would appericate it, theres a link in my sig
#8
Quote by therealtater
It was ok, I read it similar to Always by Saliva it was good but it would need a killer riff to make it work I didnt really like the chorus but thats just me if you dont mind criting my newest piece Survival I would appericate it, theres a link in my sig

Just checked it, and that's not the rhythm I meant it to be. I'll get around to criting sometime soon.