#1
This is a rough draft of a song that I worked out in my head after a particularly soul-crushing school day. I was thinking of making it somewhat like something by Alice in Chains.

I haven’t seen this hate
In a long time
Trapped in a prison
You keep me inside

I wanna cry out
To anyone
A forced silence
And a veil covered gun

A shot for you
Another for me
Suicide redeems
And sets me free

It sets me free

Oh, If I could only
Destroy my life
I just want to
practically die

These cold motherfuckers
Don’t understand
My delirium
Or private promised land

A shot for you
Another for me
Suicide redeems
And sets me free

It sets me free

Free
At first I thought there was a good way to escape
But now I see that I must die or become hate...
Last edited by GrungeJunkie at Mar 26, 2009,
#2
Quote by GrungeJunkie
This is a rough draft of a song that I worked out in my head after a particularly soul-crushing school day. I was thinking of making it somewhat like something by Alice in Chains.

I haven’t seen this hate
In a long time
Trapped in a prison
You keep me inside
Very good. You capture the feeling that your hate is powerful and keep you inside.

I wanna cry out
To anyone
A forced silence
And a veil covered gun
Okay...the first two lines were good, but I don't like the last two.

A shot for you
Another for me
Suicide redeems
And sets me free
Are you personifying hate or talking about someone else?
It sets me free

Oh, If I could only
Destroy my life
I just want to
practically die
Not good diction....

These cold motherfuckers
Don’t understand
My delirium
Or private promised land
I like the last two lines a lot. CUrsing isn't necessary, but it isn't used for no reason like in other places. I don't really mind it.

A shot for you
Another for me
Suicide redeems
And sets me free

It sets me free

Free
At first I thought there was a good way to escape
But now I see that I must die or become hate...
Didn't you say you killed yourself? And didn't you say suicide IS a good escape?



Pretty good. I like some of your lines, don't like some word choices. But you seem to contradict yourself contentwise... can you explain that part?


c4c

EDIT: Unrelated, but that punk sucks thread was awesome. Nice sig
#3
this was a decent piece, I didnt really like it though, especially theses lines

I just want to
practically die

they need some work but thats just my opinion, if you dont mind criting on of my songs, could you crit Survival in my sig?
#4
Thanks for the crit, I honestly appreciate it.

admitted, that line with 'practically' is pretty bad.

and to (attempt to) clear up the contradictions, it sort of bounces between contempt for other people and contempt for oneself.

At first I thought there was a good way to escape
But now I see that I must die or become hate...
Didn't you say you killed yourself? And didn't you say suicide IS a good escape?


That's kind of saying that the only actual way to escape is death... if that makes any sense. perhaps if I replaced good with better?
#5
Quote by GrungeJunkie
Thanks for the crit, I honestly appreciate it.

admitted, that line with 'practically' is pretty bad.

and to (attempt to) clear up the contradictions, it sort of bounces between contempt for other people and contempt for oneself.


That's kind of saying that the only actual way to escape is death... if that makes any sense. perhaps if I replaced good with better?


Better would be... well, better. lol.
So when you talk about a bullet for you and a bullet for me, who is the other person there? It is someone else?
Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1093408
#6
Quote by mamosa
Better would be... well, better. lol.
So when you talk about a bullet for you and a bullet for me, who is the other person there? It is someone else?
Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1093408

It is someone else, that part there sorta goes into murder-suicide... This is a very angsty song

and I've got a crit for that one coming up
#7
Quote by GrungeJunkie
It is someone else, that part there sorta goes into murder-suicide... This is a very angsty song

and I've got a crit for that one coming up


You must have had a REALLY bad day.
And suicide-homicide is cooler than just suicide.
#8
i didn't quite catch the alice in chains in this.

felt more like Staind or Shinedown.

i'm against profanity in music and poetry for the most part.
some people make it work, most just sound stupid,

and with some brilliance this showed, I seriously doubt your stupid,
SO cut it out punk.

A shot for you
Another for me--these two lines are brilliant
Suicide redeems--flows nicely!!
And sets me free--this last line is the only lack of intelligence. it rhymes and thats about it.
you already said it redeemed so look for a new relating thought.

so yah. most of the song was weak, honestly, but i think you can make it work.
schooldays make for greaat music.

c4c?