#1
just for the heads up, this is way old.
but i like it so i'll start with it lol it's a poem i wrote after having a lengthy talk about suicide with a friend.
edit* its better? maybe?


When the blood stops coming,
does it mean I've died?
And when the pain fades away,
will I be alright?

My vision turns black,
or was there ever light?
Sounds just fade away,
like day into night.

Smiles can lie, it's an easy return,
boast my whitewash tomb, inside I burn.
I promise, honestly, truthfully to you now,
thoughts of comprimise, are all endowed.

have at it.
Last edited by DustyRamone at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
When the blood stops coming,
does it mean I've died?
And when the pain fades away,
will I be alright?


I like the first couple lines, and the second couple are alright too. I don't like how you rhymed "died' with "alright" though.

My vision turns black,
or was there ever light?
Sounds just fade away,
abstract, like day into night.


The first two lines on this one are alright, and the second too lines are good this time. Once again, I dislike the rhyme, but that's just me. Also, "abstract" makes the fourth line seem a bit too long.

I'll go too, I swear it's my turn,
boast my whitewash tomb, inside I burn.
Really, honestly, truthfully to you, I don't mind,
cause I've learned about myself, there is nothing inside.


The first line's a bit lame and cliche, but the second is great, probably the best in your poem. The way you keep saying synonyms for "honestly" is pretty good, but I wish you'd say "because" instead of "cause." The last line is a lame way to end the song. End it with the first two lines somehow instead of the second two, and this would really be strengthened.

Overall, it was a decent read. I have a couple pieces in my sig, if you'd care to look at either of them.
#3
Quote by DustyRamone

When the blood stops coming,
does it mean I've died?
And when the pain fades away,
will I be alright?

I liked the first 3 lines, but the last one doesnt seem to fit in a poem if this was like a BFMV song and it was screamed, then I could see it but thats just me

My vision turns black,
or was there ever light?
Sounds just fade away,
abstract, like day into night.

I loved this, there werent any problems with it

I'll go too, I swear it's my turn,
boast my whitewash tomb, inside I burn.
Really, honestly, truthfully to you, I don't mind,
cause I've learned about myself, there is nothing inside.

I liked this, but I think really needs to be taken out of the third line but thats just me

have at it.



this was a really good piece, if you dont mind criting Survival in my sig I would appericate it
#4
Quote by DustyRamone
just for the heads up, this is way old.
but i like it so i'll start with it lol it's a poem i wrote after having a lengthy talk about suicide with a friend.


When the blood stops coming,
does it mean I've died?
And when the pain fades away,
will I be alright?
Sounds very conversational

My vision turns black,
or was there ever light?
Sounds just fade away,
abstract, like day into night.
Flow is off

I'll go too, I swear it's my turn,
Hm... seems like you're channeling a bit of 3 Doors Down... generic pop lyric
boast my whitewash tomb, inside I burn.
Really, honestly, truthfully to you, I don't mind,
These synonyms make me angry
cause I've learned about myself, there is nothing inside.
I love that last line.
have at it.


Hmmm... pretty good. Although it seems like the character does not feel suicide is necessary, just something he'd do for a lark. I don't think you've given the content the gravity it deserves.
#5
wow man this is awesome stuff. it really paints a dark image. kinda makes me think along the lines of some kurt cobain style stuff. well done
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#6
uncboy19
wow. saying its kurt cobain style... he's my hero.
you sir, are a fine gentlemen.

Mamosa, I realize the flow is off. I will hence change it, just for you my dear.


therealtater, BFMV? really? thats the complete opposite of Kurt. but yes I realize its not perfect, but i like it man.
so rawr! thanks for the crit BRAH


punkforlife93 commented on my poem.
*day is made*

the line is cliche. lol i wrote this almost a year ago, at four in the morning.
i've gotten a tiny bit better since then, or i thinks so.
thanks for commenting man.
#7
hey there, thanks for taking the time man!


I most definatly enjoyed this piece. You've painted a good image here. I feel like the hooks in the second stanza boarder line cliche's just a bit. You might just want to think about word choice here, maybe there are more specific or powerful words for the point your making. The last stanza is throughly brilliant though, great metaphor usage. Good work!
#8
The beginning was ok. Nothing really special, but not terrible. The second half of the first stanza was probably the weakest part of it. "Pain fades away, will I be alright?" just seemed kinda like a cookie cutter type phrasing. I dunno how else you might say it though. "My vision turns black" seemed equally standard, but when you followed up with "was there ever light", it was an interesting enough question to be redeeming. The last line of the second stanza was a bit rough on the flow as has been said, and "like day into night" seems a bit... normal. Perhaps a more interesting or fresh image would help, something that would make people almost do a double take and then say "Oh... exactly" The last stanza is kinda generic as well, but the last line was a pretty great way to end it, so it was somewhat redeemed as well. All in all it was pretty decent, but it needs a little extra personal spice to make it unique and awesome. If you could take a look at Doppelganger Rose in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Peace