#1
I lied. Ask me what I lied about and I'll give you a penny. Guess, and i'll give you a nickle. c4c.


Elements, Pt I: guns 'n' roses


They never paint portraits
of flowers, unless
said flower happened to be
growing out of the barrel of
a gun perched in the hands of a
child, perched against a
wall perched against a house leaning over
a cliff above the
minefields of the Aegean.
Still, the seven men who care
took a poll amongst the staircases
bookshelves of doll faces and myriad
foes collected among the dreary, rain
drenched down the windows and found
to no one’s surprise,
that there are in fact only three kinds
of lies – the ones you tell, the ones you
know and the ones you leave behind.

peter piper lost a pack of
pickled gherkins, pickled onions are too
sour in fact to stomach, poor old pete
I guess this means dinners off


What the hell, let’s all go
into space, just to see if the world
really is a sepia as all the poets
claim it to be.

oh, one last thing
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Your signals weak, there’s something wrong
Major Tom, what kind of name
is Major Tom anyway?
Stoner
Last edited by kdownes at Mar 29, 2009,
#2
I really like this as a whole, but loathe the flow of the first paragraph/stanza in general.

Will get back to this later...

Btw, did you lie about...peter piper?
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 26, 2009,
#3
Not all poets claim the world to be sepia.

I'll be back, innit.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
punkforlife (sorry, forgot your name): no i did not lie about peter piper. No nickle for you. However, I await your words, as yours Katherine.

Thank you both, and Katherine, only the ones i loathe use "sepia". It's my least favourite word in the english language
#5
^ Least favourite word... yeah, I think I agree with that. And for that I'm still kind of on the border of whether using it in the piece to show that is worth the use of it. Hmm. Wait til I'm back from school
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
You lied that you don't know you're a ****ing good writer?

That said, this piece seems unfocused and vague to me. I liked the first nine lines, and I loved the next bit of the first stanza, and then I totally lost track of what the hell was going on. Those next parts are three lies? Dinner's not really off, the poets don't really think the world is sepia, and um... you're actually stoned?

I'm bamboozled. You bamboozler, you.

peace
#7
I enjoyed this. A lot. I think it's the sort of thing that you can't really crit, as it means the most to you, and for all I know I could suggest destroying the whole message of the poem.

But I really liked it man.

Oh, and there's one worse word than "sepia":

"nice".
#8
Haha, I have succeeded in bamboozling you all. Haha.

Ahhh, anyway, I lied about giving you any money, you twits

Nilchii (were you a Matt of some form or description? there seems to be a lot of Matts), thank you very much for your words. As for being un focused and vague, that's what i was going for. If you work out what it's actually about, i WILL give you a shiny penny.
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I really don't know what to make of this.


I agree. I'll think about it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Somehow that whole thing is only 3 sentences... and I have no ****ing clue what to say. So... good job
#12
edited on suggestion from Miss Katherine. Don't know if this works though. Let me know what y'all think anyways
#13
light off
can open
chair creaking
tv: on

Not that, but that in poetic prose form. Or some form of that in any form. It needs an intro that says it without being pretentious or too obvious.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
I didn't get this. Felt like even you weren't completely sure on some of the finer details of the meaning... and it was so sporadic in its lucid moments that I'm struggling to find even myself in this.

Quote by kdownes


They never paint portraits
of flowers, unless

terrible first line break. Made me want to punch a cute animal.

said flower happened to be
growing out of the barrel of
a gun perched in the hands of a
child, perched against a
wall perched against a house leaning over
a cliff above the
minefields of the Aegean.

Didn't like the perched continuation. Thought the idea had much more flavor to offer when you stopped with just hands of a child. Leaves a bitter image with no chaser. That was lovely. If you would have stopped at child and left me a witty short with a ton of social commentary to unravel, I would have loved you forever. Up to child might be my favorite thing you've ever written. So much said in so little and with so much brutality.

Still, the seven men who care
took a poll amongst the staircases
bookshelves of doll faces and myriad
foes collected among the dreary, rain
drenched down the windows and found
to no one’s surprise,
that there are in fact only three kinds
of lies – the ones you tell, the ones you
know and the ones you leave behind.

This was also gorgeous.

peter piper lost a pack of
pickled gherkins, pickled onions are too
sour in fact to stomach, poor old pete
I guess this means dinners off


What the hell, let’s all go
into space, just to see if the world
really is a sepia as all the poets
claim it to be.

oh, one last thing
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Your signals weak, there’s something wrong
Major Tom, what kind of name
is Major Tom anyway?
Stoner


From there down, it felt like you abandoned content for a "Feel" of spaceyness... Like you wanted to emulate dan's imagery... but it just didn't have any grit or bite. Like oxygen sliding over the tongue... its there... but its not something I think about or want to remember. I just feel like you didn't get any message across in the last 3 stanzas and that killed what could have been quite an epic display of prowess.